


A Quiet Life

by t50109871



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: A lot of sex, Angst, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Eventual Romance, Falling In Love, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Porn With Plot, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2020-07-29 10:47:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 66,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20080909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t50109871/pseuds/t50109871
Summary: The rogue Avengers moved back to the tower with the Winter Soldier.The Soldier was like a blank canvas, expressionless, empty. He seemed like he wanted nothing.But then, Tony sensed lingering looks, hesitation, desire, and guilt that followed.Tony thought, Oh, There's an idea.- Tony and Bucky have sex regularly and fall in love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> OK. The problem is, I keep coming back and add chapters to an already long long long fic. So if you're so very kind and come back to reread it, there will be a lot of stuff you haven't read before. For example, sex scenes are longer now! I rewrote some dialogue, added some feely stuff. These are minor changes but if I add a completely new chapter I'll note it here.
> 
> Thank you so much for sticking with me.
> 
> 9/15/19 - Chapter 14 added  
9/17/19 - Chapter 16 added.  
11/6/19 - Chapter 4 added.  
11/25/19 - Chapter 10 added.  
4/16/20 - Ending chapter edited. - to be added later.  
4/25/20 - Chapter 11 added  
4/26/20 - Chapter 22 edited  
4/27/20 - Chapter 18 added  
4/28/20 - Chapter 24 edited  
4/29/20 - Chapter 7,8,9 added  
5/1/20 - Chapter 20 edited, 18 added  
5/3/20 - Chapter 25 edited  
5/16/20 - Chapter 5 edited
> 
> 4/26/20 - Hey guys! I'm gradually cleaning, editing, adding new scenes to every chapter. I think it will end up having a quite a different tone.  
My goal is to finish everything up by this week. Thanks for the support!

After Rogers and the Winter Soldier left him in the cold, Tony laid there on the freezing concrete, trying not to die before backup came. Tony thought he wanted to make something.

Something that had nothing to do with blood, pain, and suffering. Anything harmless would do. Something simple, it didn't have to be shiny. Maybe he would buy some land, deep in the woods, where no one can find him. 

A house. If he could make something so complex as an iron man suit, surely, he could build one house.

Pepper might agree to come with him. Tony remembered the last time he saw Pepper, how disappointed and tired she looked, how he couldn't stop her from leaving, couldn't beg that he would change. 

Because he wouldn't.

Maybe it would work this time. Pepper always had a soft spot for him. For a moment, he dreamed of a quiet life.

But as soon as he got into the jet, he knew none of that was going to happen.

He will always be Tony Stark, and people like Tony Stark don't get to have that.  
  
\--

He needed time to patch up the scars and lick his wounds. Tony kicked and screamed, trying to get out of therapy, but Pepper's tears finally made him give up.

The damn therapist looked like Rogers, of course, with his shiny blond hair, warm blue eyes with endless patience and hope. He thought about fucking the therapist. Maybe fucking someone who looked like Rogers would make him feel better.

Tony charmed him to death with his wit, corny one-liners, and his best smile. The therapist blushed beautifully when he said no. Said it was not legal, not healthy. 

Fuck it. Fuck healthy.

So, he lied instead, as he would, said all the things the therapist would want to hear. He had abandonment issues because of his father's absence, he wasn't good with intimacy because of his parent's sudden death. He didn't trust easily because he came from money, he hid his insecurity with his arrogance, all that stuff.

After three hours of continuous lying, he finally got to fuck the therapist. He had an awesome, thick cock and was a great kisser. Tony whispered filthy, filthy things to him and fucked him until he practically screamed Tony's name as he came. Tony followed soon, got his cock out of the therapist's ass, and came all over his face while thinking of Rogers.  
It didn't help. Tony almost lost his boner.

Tony realized at that moment, his feelings toward Rogers, the burning rage and resentment that made him pace around his penthouse at four am had nothing to do with sex.

That did make him feel a little better.

\-- 

After long and dreadful meetings, which were mostly just shouting, swearing, threatening, came the conclusion. The rogue Avengers will move into the Stark tower.

Tony gritted his teeth and accepted it because he knew there was no other way out. The Avengers had to stay together at the end, and the Stark Tower was the best place for them.

"It's a huge building, if you want, you can avoid them forever," Pepper said, stroking his hair.

But to be safe, Tony made Friday to put everyone's room as far from his workshop as possible. 

No more sleeping in the penthouse. Fuck the penthouse. Tony never went there anyway. Tony bought the lushest King size bed he could get and put it in the room right next to his workshop, installed a small kitchen, stocked up the fridge as if he was preparing for the end of the world.

And in a way, he was.

\--

And there was the Winter Soldier. Tony put his foot down. Rogue Avengers? Fine. But the Winter Soldier was not acceptable.  
More screaming and yelling went on. Tony lost that battle too.

Seriously, how did that happen?

Tony offered a ridiculous amount of money, got rejected, wrote the check anyway, and threw it at Rogers' face, which Rogers gracefully picked up from the floor and put it on the table.

"It's not about money. Bucky needs us."

"Us? Who's us? Fuck. You are a never-ending piece of.…."

"Tony. I… He's hurt."

"I. Do. Not. Give. A. Fuck. Do you understand? I'm not allowed to kill him, fine. But that doesn't mean I'm going to…."

And for fuck's sake, Rogers said the most unexpected thing.

"I don't know what to do, Tony. I'm lost."

Rogers said quietly, his eyes wet. Mr. always has a plan, always finds another way. He didn't know what to do. And then Rogers added.

"Please. I'm begging you."

"Fine," Tony grunted, afraid that Rogers might burst into tears in front of him.

\--

OK, Tony would tolerate the Soldier living in the building. Tony learned that sometimes it was better to suck it up and give Rogers what he wanted or else he wouldn't hear the end of it. 

Rogers was nothing if not persistent.

Tony put Rogers and the Soldier's room next to each other. He considered putting those two in the different sections of the building just to spite them, but soon thought they would bunk together anyway.

Tony made sure to bury them deep, so he would never have to meet them. To get to his workshop, Rogers would have to walk ten minutes, go through three security systems, one of them only people Tony gave permits exclusively could pass, take two elevators, and walk down seven flight of stairs.

Tony also was nothing if not fucking persistent.

\-- 

Surprisingly things went well.

Tony being caged inside his workshop, and Rogers and the other rogue Avengers running around training and strategizing to save the world. They didn't cross paths.

Did the world need to be saved that often? It appeared they thought so.

He just avoided the rogue Avengers at first, then soon started to push away Pepper, Happy, and even Rhodey. He was sick of the questions, and their concerned looks. Sick of the pity and anxiety they showed, around him. Treating him like he was minutes away from exploding.

Tony knew it was out of love, but you know what? Fuck love.

"What are you doing in there? We're all worried about you." Pepper said, trying to soothe him. This time he flinched and avoided Pepper's soft touch.

So, Tony lied again. 

He said he was developing a new project, adjusting and improving the suit, and whatnot. He wasn't.

He drank. Everyday. Getting alcohol in and out of the workshop without alerting anyone wasn't easy as he thought. A lot of people were watching him, especially those three who loved him the most. Tony was used to getting people to do menial tasks for him.

Tony let no one in his workshop. Not even Pepper. He went out at night to buy scotch disguised with sunglasses and caps. Absurd. He wasn't buying blow or something. He always paid in cash. He cleaned after himself, sort of. Having a secret as a public figure wasn't easy. Iron man having a hard time buying alcohol, if he had the energy, he would laugh. He drank scotch, smoked cigarettes until his throat dried up.

\--

Three months passed, no drama. Tony was getting used to the silence, he could perhaps even call it peace as twisted as it was.

That ended the day Rogers stormed in, dragging the Soldier with him. Friday, the traitor opened the doors for them. Thank god Tony wasn't drinking. He was so very hungover, though.

Rogers put the Soldier facing Tony and ripped the Soldier's blood-soaked t-shirt showing the Soldier's arm. Half of it was cut off. The arm was still smoldering, and the part that connected metal and flesh was severely burnt and bleeding. The Soldier was half passed out because of the pain. Tony's hand twitched.

"Tony, Fix it, please. I'm begging you."

"Nope."

"No one else can do it."

"I said no."

"He's in pain."

"I don't care."

"He's dying."

"Oh, That's great news." Tony scolded.

While the two of them argued, Romanov came in and gave the Soldier a shot. Probably some pain killer. Friday was so grounded. Tony didn't know how, but he was going to find a way.  
  
"Come on, Tony. Don't be an ass," Romanov pushed the Soldier towards Tony.

That's when the Soldier murmured, "Don't."

The Soldier's face was crumpled with agony, but his eyes were sharp.

"I don't want this on me."

Tony's hangover was gone instantly. The Soldier did this to himself. He tried to cut the metal arm off and failed, quite spectacularly. And he'd rather bleed to death than keep his metal arm.

"I'll do it," Tony said.

Tony saw the light go off in the Soldier's eyes and thought yes, I'll make you live. Live with this. 

He worked in silence, trying to control his rage.

Apparently, the Soldier had fairly advanced knowledge of tech, the arm was messed up good. Tony put everything he knew into fixing that arm.  
After the crisis averted, Tony heard Rogers ask, confused and sad.

"I don't understand. Why did you do it, Buck?"

"It was an accident."

The Soldier answered, which was clearly a lie, and he didn't try to hide it.

Rogers beamed when Tony told him he would help. Tony promised to check up on the Soldier's metal arm regularly, weekly meetings will do, and offered to make him a new one. It was a lie, but Tony was a great liar and knew plenty of moves to hide it.

While Tony and Rogers talked about the next steps, the Soldier sat quietly, didn't show any interest whatsoever. He just looked down at his metal hand, miserable. Tony almost felt excited that he could keep the Soldier feel that way.

When Tony and Rogers finished planning, the Soldier looked at Tony with those huge blue eyes, politely thanked him, and left.  
  
\--

Tony felt alive. Suddenly he had a new goal, a purpose.

So, I can't kill him. But I can make his life insufferable.

He threw out most of the alcohol, smoked his last cigarette, cleaned himself up, and got out of the workshop.

\--

Tony started to hang out with the Avengers. New ones were fine, old ones were not. People were generally kind to him. Mostly out of guilt, and Tony used it shamelessly.

Tony ran into the Soldier every day, mainly because he was actively stalking him. He followed around the Soldier and watched him train, fight, eat, and so on.

The Soldier did the mandatory training. He fought when he's asked to. But it was clear he didn't want to. He deliberately didn't use his metal arm.  
Once he got beat up by Barton pretty bad, and Barton was so smug about it, even Tony wanted to punch him. Rogers yelled at the Soldier for not trying. And it wasn't easy to make Rogers lose it, Tony smirked.

In his spare time, the Soldier didn't talk to others, didn't leave his room. What he did in that room, Tony didn't know.

The Soldier rarely ate, which drove Rogers crazy. He didn't seem to be sleeping too. He had bags under his eyes and dozed off during the day. He would wake up instantly at the slightest of sounds, totally alert, anxious.

Tony followed around the Soldier until their first check-up. Maybe the Soldier noticed it, perhaps not, but who cares.

\--

The Soldier was clearly depressed, and Tony loved it. Tony knew it was childish, and spite was not a good look on him, but he never thought of himself as a good guy.

Tony wanted the Soldier to suffer. He wanted his revenge, and he was going to get it.

\-- 

The day of the first check-up came, and Tony was ready. Of course, a nervous Rogers came with him. 

Tony took his time. Hydra did a pretty good job of hiding their tech, but Tony figured out the mechanism quickly. It didn't need to be checked every week, possibly once a month, twice to be safe. But Tony was not going to tell.

Tony found the spot where it was connected to the nerve and pressed on it. The Soldier didn't even make a sound. He flinched once, and that was it. It had to be painful, an ordinary man would have fainted immediately.

Tony pushed it harder. Still no reaction.

OK, if you want to play it this way, I'll play, Tony thought.

Tony got his soldering equipment and burned one wire out. The Soldier closed his eyes, clenched his teeth, but nevertheless, no sound came from him.

The Soldier was so quiet that Rogers had no idea what was happening before his eyes.

Tony thought, Do I have to cut the arm to get any reaction?

Tony gave up for the day, straightened things he messed up, and closed it up.

The Soldier stumbled for a second, but after politely thanking Tony, he walked out as if nothing happened.

\--

Tony realized physical torture wouldn't work on him. The Soldier was too trained, too familiar with pain. Again, Hydra did a bang-up job.

But, why didn't the Soldier stop him? Tony thought.

Was it guilt? Or pity? Did he want to prove himself to Tony? He couldn't figure him out.

Tony needed a new plan.

\--

The second session went to shit fast. This time Tony talked.

"You said you remember everything," Tony started casually.

"Yes."

"How many did you kill? Is it in double digits? Three? Four?"

"Tony," Rogers warned.

"What? I'm making small talk. If you don't need me, you can always leave," Tony scolded.

"Steve, it's OK. Mr. Stark has the right to ask." The Soldier said.

"So, how many?"

"I don't know."

"OK, I'll just assume it's a lot. Then tell me about your first kill of your Winter Soldier gig. You never forget your first, right?"

"Tony, I swear to god, if you keep…"

The Soldier snapped, didn't let Rogers finish.

"Shut up or leave."

Rogers looked pissed, but he shut up. Good boy.

"43, German. He was a scientist. I shot him in the head and got rid of the body by burning it."

The Soldier was calm, detached as if he was debriefing. Tony believed him.

"Did he have a family?"

"He had a son and a pregnant wife."

"OK. That sucks tremendously. What's he done to deserve that?"

"I don't know."

"Just doing what was ordered?"

"Yes."

"That doesn't mean you're off the hook, you know that, right? You still killed them all."

"I know."

Tony was mocking until now, but he was losing his cool. His rage was coming back.

"So, did you know that Howard Stark and Maria Stark had a son?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you kill him too? You don't care. You could've just killed the whole family. Spare us, mortals, the pain."

The Soldier stopped for a second and continued.

"I wasn't ordered to kill you, Mr. Stark."

"Then what if I was with them in the car? I would've seen your face. What would you have done?"

"Tony. Stop. Please." Tony could feel Rogers's fear.

"I would've killed you too."

The Soldier didn't hesitate even for a moment. Hydra and their well-trained killing machine. The Soldier came to the tower months ago, but he had Hydra's training in him that even Rogers's love and care couldn't get rid of.

"How do you sleep at night?" Tony whispered, low.

"I don't."

The Soldier quietly looked into Tony's eyes.

Tony worked in silence.

\--

Tony prepared hard for the third session. He was planning to do both at the same time.

Torture him physically while grilling him with harsh questions.

Tony read one report of the Soldier, which was exceptionally brutal. He read it multiple times and now knew it by heart.

But the third session turned out to be, well, interesting.

This time the Soldier came alone. Tony made sure to bury Rogers in meetings.

The Soldier sat on his chair, obediently, waited for Tony. Tony was thinking about what to do, how to start when he notices the Soldier staring.

It was not the blank gaze he usually gave.

The Soldier was looking at Tony's lips. When the Soldier found Tony looking, he blushed to the root of his hair.

Considering Tony had been stalking the Soldier around for weeks, Tony thought he knew most about the Soldier, so it was unexpected, to put it mildly.

That expression, Tony never saw on him.

Tony was too distracted and confused, he forgot about his plan. Tony watched the Soldier bite his lips raw and shudder every time Tony put a hand on him besides his metal arm.

This level of stress, Tony never saw on the Soldier.

Before the Soldier left, Tony tested him. Tony reached out to shake the Soldier's flesh hand, which made no sense, they never did it before, very unnecessary, but Tony pushed. The Soldier hesitated and grabbed Tony's hand. His hand was damp with sweat, warm and a bit shaky.

"Thank you," The Soldier murmured, his voice weak.

"Next week?"

"Yeah."

The Soldier nearly ran away, not looking back.

\--

Tony learned a few things while shamelessly stalking the Soldier. The main thing was that the Soldier never actually wanted something.

Everything seemed to just pass him by. Get beaten by Barton? Fine. Get yelled at by Rogers for not eating? He ate. Get tortured and harassed by Tony? OK, next.

But this?

Tony poured some scotch. Swallowed it down and poured some more.

The Soldier seemed like he wanted nothing. But apparently, he wanted something.

And for whatever fucked-up reason, it was him.

Oh, There's an idea. Tony thought.


	2. Chapter 2

The first time happened during the Soldier's regular check-up.

Tony refused to get to work until Rogers left. Complained Rogers fidgeting and holding the Soldier's hand in tears made Tony antsy.

"I can't focus while you are mother henning the shit out of him. What do you think I would do?"

It had been almost over a month, five check-ups, and after the third one, Tony kept his anger to himself, joked a couple of times, generally was kind to the Soldier.

Tony knew Rogers thought he became soft. Which was so very wrong, but that was what you get for being a hopeless idiot, Rogers.

Rogers left reluctantly, and then there were just two of them. It was quiet without Rogers. Check-up took only fifteen minutes tops, but Tony lingered.

Tony touched the Soldier needlessly and watched him nervously flinch and blush. Noticed the sudden hitch of breath, stolen glances.

After Tony closed him up, he put down his tool, leaned into the Soldier and said, 

"You want it."

It wasn't a question. Tony half expected the Soldier to act like he didn't understand. Deny everything and leave.

But to Tony's surprise, the Soldier answered, "Yes."

Tony thought it would be a slow process, he would have to break the Soldier down step by step, so the Soldier's direct answer caught him by surprise. Tony thought for a moment and ordered.

"Strip."

The Soldier took his shirts and pants off rather efficiently. Took it off and folded it neatly, put it on the work table.

Not sexy at all. It was as if the Soldier was getting a medical check-up. If Tony didn't see the Soldier's half-hard cock, he would have thought it was a misunderstanding.

After stripping, the Soldier stood with only his briefs on. Tony watched him with a harsh gaze, and the Soldier shifted, uncomfortable.

Air-conditioned room's chilly, Tony sees goosebumps rising on the Soldier's skin. The Soldier lost some weight but still in great shape, lean muscles, and pale skin.

He had scars all over his body. Tony spotted some bullet wounds, old and new scars. But strangely, those marks made him more desirable. Even under the unflattering fluorescent light, Tony had to admit, the Soldier looked nice. Better than nice.

If the Soldier weren't the Soldier, Tony would jump into bed with him happily. But it's not like that, is it?

Tony stared at him some more, and the Soldier hesitated. Tony could practically hear the Soldier thinking. Then, the Soldier reluctantly took his brief off.

Hmm. Nice cock too. The kind of cock that might make some people's mouth water. Tony wondered about it, how it would feel in his hand, what kind of noise he would make. But that was for another day.

After a long pause, Tony leaned back on the table and said,

"What are you waiting for?"

The Soldier nearly looked relieved and approached Tony quickly, kneeled, then looked up at Tony with wide eyes, color showing on his cheeks. A second later, Tony realized the Soldier was waiting for permission.

"Go ahead," Tony unzipped his trousers. 

The Soldier carefully pulled out Tony's already fully erect cock, which disappointed himself. He wanted the Soldier to work for it, but Tony's body betrayed him. It had been a while, so he knew he wasn't going to last long.

The Soldier slid his flesh hand on Tony's cock and started to stroke it. The touch was slow and tentative, and Tony hazily thought, when was the last time the Soldier did this? Before the war? After their war? And quickly put those thoughts away. 

The Soldier's hand paced up, and Tony stopped him by pulling the Soldier's hair back hard.

"No, with your mouth."

The Soldier shuddered, and Tony could see the Soldier's untouched cock twitch and harden and laughed despite himself.

"You really want this, do you." Again, not a question.

The Soldier blushed and closed his eyes, wet his lips to prepare. Then he lowered his head and sucked the tip once, looked up at Tony as if he was testing the water.

Naked, on his knees, lust in his eyes, Tony's cock sticking out of his mouth, his own cock hard, the Soldier looked like a perfect wet dream. The Soldier waited for permission, and whatever he saw in Tony's face, he got it as a yes, and started again.

The Soldier sucked and licked and stroked as if it was his mission to bring Tony off. He stopped and looked up at Tony many times, but it didn't seem like a ploy to look sexy or take control, the Soldier just wanted to know.

He was eager yet gentle, and it was driving Tony crazy.

This wasn't his first time. It couldn't be. Tony felt a sudden whip of jealousy and without warning pushed into the Soldier's mouth.

"Fuck," Tony swore and arched in deeper. It couldn't be easy, Tony's cock was far from small, but the Soldier took it. He opened his mouth as wide as he can and let Tony fuck his mouth. The sound that filled the room was obscene. Tony's one hand gripped the Soldier's hair tight, and the other held the Soldier's back of his neck, keeping him in place. Tony pushed in deep as far as the Soldier could take and saw him trying to adjust, making small whining noises. Tony felt the pressure build, too soon for his plan.

He gripped the Soldier's hair tight, pushed in hard and fast until right before he came, he pulled out. Stroked himself a few times while looking straight into the Soldier's eyes and came all over his face.

The Soldier's face was dripping with spit and come, and his cock was still hard, no attention paid. If Tony didn't just finish, that sight of him alone would straight up make him come again. The Soldier's lips were shining, red, swollen, used so violently seconds ago. Tony wanted to touch it, but he didn't.

Tony realized he was panting, his heart racing.

"Touch yourself."

Tony ordered, his voice hoarse, and the Soldier stroked himself, half a dozen times, and came quietly with a sigh.

Tony didn't take off any of his clothes, so he tugged his cock in his pants, and he was good as new. The Soldier, on the other hand, was a mess. Tony imagined Rogers walking in this second. Rogers would probably faint and that face, Tony would pay a lot of money to see.

The Soldier was still on his knees, looking up at him like he wanted a pat on his head or something. His soft gaze irritated Tony.

"Clean up and leave."

Tony snapped and turned around, acted like he was busy. Tony heard a soft rumble, the Soldier trying to get into his clothes. And a few moments passed by, very briefly noise stopped, Tony was sure the Soldier was watching him.

Then Tony heard the Winter Soldier walk out of the workshop.


	3. Chapter 3

Tony wanted to get a reaction from the Soldier. He searched and found the Soldier's weakness, used it.

One blowjob was not nearly enough for what the Soldier did, but it was better than nothing, wasn't it?

So now what?

If you're not sure about something, it's safe just to stop. Rethink everything. Tony didn't.

\--

The second time was almost the same as the first time. Except both of them knew something was going to happen. It made the week before very strange. Tony ran into the Soldier a few times, this time not on purpose, in the communal kitchen, hallway, one meeting.

The Soldier either looked at Tony with his lips slightly apart, which infuriated him, or avoided eye contact and hastily ran away. Was he regretting what's happened? Did he want to do it again?

Tony couldn't figure it out.

\--

It turned out the Soldier wanted to continue. After the check-up, the Soldier lingered. Tony waited for the Soldier to make a move, but he stayed silent. Tony got tired of waiting and pushed the Soldier to his knees, fucked his mouth.

This time he carefully watched how the Soldier moved. No matter how hard Tony pushed in, he took it. He was still attentive, looked up at Tony to check if he was alright. The Soldier was gentle, Tony was not.

Tony wondered, dizzy with arousal if the Soldier would swallow. He might. Tony was half right. He pushed in for the last time and, without warning, came deep in the Soldier's throat. The Soldier coughed a little, tried to swallow but failed. Half of it spilled out, dripping on his chin mixed with spit.

And the sight of the Soldier made Tony sink down and jerk him off. When he first touched the Soldier's cock, he jumped, and Tony backed off right away. The Soldier blushed furiously, and murmured "No, I want..."

Tony jerked him off with no lube or spit. It was dry, the Soldier winced a few times. When Tony's hand paced up, he buried his face in Tony's neck, and Tony let him. Why not, the Soldier just swallowed his load. Tony could at least put up with the Soldier's warm breath on his neck. The Soldier panted and whined right against Tony's neck.

It was just a dry handjob, but the Soldier was hanging on to him as if his life depended on it.

It was surprisingly charming, Tony got the lube and poured it in his hand, warmed it up a little and started to jerk him off earnestly, feather-light touches then hard and fast strokes. It was not even proper edging, just a little tease, and the Soldier gasped, cried out, shook, which was quite entertaining, and frankly, Tony got a semi-hard on watching him. The Soldier was moaning like he was dying, and Tony's arm got tired, so Tony gave him an earnest fast jerk and murmured, "Let go, come." The Soldier shuddered his whole body, gave such a sensual moan that made Tony think about it that night and spilled on Tony's hand. Tony kept stroking his cock until it became soft, listening to the Soldier whine of discomfort. Tony got his hand off him but gave the Soldier some time to get back together, let his warm breath tickle Tony's neck.

After a moment, the Soldier turned to look at Tony with his eyes, dazed, Tony suddenly wanted to stroke his hair back but stopped his hand, just kicked him out.

After he left, Tony slumped on the nearest chair and tried to keep his breathing even.

Tony thought, When was the last time someone touched the Soldier's cock? He couldn't have fucked during his Winter Soldier phase, or did he? They wiped him out regularly, so even if he did have sex, he wouldn't remember it. The Soldier couldn't have fucked someone after he came to the Tower. Tony saw the Soldier flinching when someone touched him and him avoiding skin to skin contact. Then what was left was before the train, before the arm.

Tony was the one who touched his cock for the first time in many many years. He abruptly wished his handjob was good enough since he had no contact for too long. Then quickly dismissed the thought. 

Who cares.

\--

The third time, Tony dragged him to the bedroom, closed the door, and turned around to find the Soldier waiting in the middle of the room.

Tony got lost for a moment.

The room smelled less like oil and burnt metal, it was darker, with just one lamp on, and it was much smaller than the workshop, which made this, more intimate than Tony wanted. The soft light hit the Soldier just right, and he looked... Tony thought this was not what he signed up for.

Tony pushed him out to the workshop, made him strip, pushed him to his knees. The Soldier took his cock but looked a bit confused.

\--

They fucked once a week. It became a routine.

Quick check-up, fuck as Tony wanted, then the Soldier left.

Having sex with the Soldier regularly, Tony learned a lot.

Tony knew that the Soldier was good with pain. Yes, the Soldier handled violence like a pro, because he was. Decades of torture and fights and killings would do that to a person.

At first, Tony tried to rough him up. Push hard, bite, drag, and so on. It did work in a way, he got some reactions. But somehow, it felt like it wasn't enough.

Tony soon found out the Soldier's weakness is pleasure. He simply didn't know what to do with it.

The first time Tony put a finger in the Soldier's ass, his thighs spasmed, and he came instantly.

Tony lay the Soldier on his back on the cold worktable. To get a good view of his hole, Tony was standing behind, between his legs. Tony rubbed his lubed hole slowly and put his index finger, just the tip, which made him jump, almost falling to the ground. Tony placed him straight on the table again, enjoying the tight heat, trembling around his finger, watching his thick hard cock leaking on his stomach. He put one knuckle in and rubbed his perineum with his thumb. The Soldier came, spurting all over Tony's chest, and some landed on his face. What could Tony do when he sees a cock throbbing as it spilled right in front of him? He had to jerk him off, helping the Soldier to come down slowly. But when the Soldier got his strength back and opened his eyes, Tony pushed his finger and another in deep and drew out a yelp, continued to slap his ass twice as a punishment. 

"I'm so sorry," The Soldier said while wiping it off of Tony, his face flushed.

"Next time, you give a little warning."

Tony acted like he was irritated, but he was so pleased that he could make the Soldier come apart like that.

\--

After Tony saw the look on the Soldiers' face, lust, and humiliation, it became Tony's mission, an obsession to make the Soldier squirm, moan, beg for more.

The Soldier wanted to touch but rarely did. He wanted to be touched but didn't ask for it. The Soldier was almost painfully shy and hesitant in bed.

Tony also found out that the Soldier didn't have much experience. It was because his blow job got better every time. He wasn't fucking anyone else, and Tony didn't think he watched porn.

The Soldier was just hard-working and observant. Tony sometimes found the Soldier staring, as if he was strategizing, planning what to do next.

It didn't mean that the Soldier was a precious virgin. The things the Soldier let Tony do, the things he wanted to do would make anyone blush.  
.  
\--

Tony started to call him Barnes, because calling him the Soldier every time was ridiculous, and he couldn't keep tapping Barnes on the shoulder. Barnes had crazy reflexes. One wrong tap and Tony would be dead. Tony couldn't also keep calling him, "Hey, you," while fucking.

Barnes also stopped calling him Mr. Stark. He once murmured "Tony." during sex, which Tony thought was kind of rude since he didn't ask first, but Barnes added "Please," so he decides it's tolerable.

\--

The first time Tony fucked Barnes, it wasn't gentle by a long shot. It was fast, urgent, rough, and probably got into Tony's top ten lays.

Tony gave Barnes a blow job to make him relax and bend him over the work table. By the way, the first time Tony put Barnes's cock in his mouth was a whole other story, 

"Lube, Where's the lube, Where's it," Tony mumbled to himself.

Bedroom. Tony ran to the bedroom, got the lube and condoms, came back triumphally, and found Barnes hadn't moved, still bent over, showing his behind openly to him.

Tony almost dropped everything but made his way to Barnes somehow.

Barnes didn't look back. He knew Tony was behind him.

Barnes's ass was bright red with Tony's handprint on it. Tony slapped Barnes' ass hard again. The sound was more intimidating than the impact itself, but Barnes didn't expect it and yelped. It was becoming hotter by the second. Tony thought it was ridiculous.

Tony parted Barnes's legs wider, stood between, and spread Barnes's butt cheeks, watching Barnes trying to close up.

"No," Tony murmured, slipping his finger in Barnes's crack and rubbed on it, "Open it."

Barnes let out a short breath and let Tony spread his cheeks. Tony squeezed lube directly on Barnes' welcoming, open hole, watched it flutter. It dripped down from his hole down to his balls, the rest landed on the floor. God, this was pure gold. 

Barnes flinched at the cold lube. Maybe he should've warmed it up a bit, but then where's the fun in that? Tony's workshop was always chilly, and the table was half metal, half glass. Barnes was shivering all over the place. Tony slowly ran his fingers around Barnes's hole and warmed it up.

Before Tony pushed his finger in, he had to ask.

"You've done this before, right?" Tony asked.

"You did it last week," Barnes answered, his breath hitching when Tony rubbed tiny circles near.

"No, I meant, did you have a cock in there before?" Tony pushed a finger in and felt him clench tight.

Tony couldn't be the first. If Barnes had never done this, Tony had to kick him out, order him to get fucked by Someone else, then come back to him.  
And he really didn't have the patience for that.

"Yes," Barnes answered.

"OK. That's good."

Tony pushed another finger in. He had to make it loose enough to shove his cock in, or else he would die.

Barnes was nervous, hence tight. Tony stopped himself from just shoving his finger to loosen him up. He couldn't do that. It wouldn't be right and also, not fun.

"Relax. Breathe."

Barnes was quick with orders. He breathed in, and when he breathed out, Tony pushes the third fingers in, massaging his ass cheek with his other hand.

"Was it with Rogers?" Tony asked, wishing he didn't sound bitter.

Barnes tensed up again. He turned back to see him, and Tony slapped his ass and hummed satisfied at how Barnes's inside clenched and loosened.

"Don't move. Keep talking."

"No. Never, Uh, Stevie's like a, ah, brother." Barnes moaned.

"Who was it then?" Tony got one finger out, just two in, gently scissored, spreading him out.

"Uhh, Someone, back home, Hah, I went to... school with him. Oh, god. Tony, please, slower."

"Did you go all the way?" 

"Um, just half."

"What do you mean, half?" Tony pulled his finger out. Barnes lifted his ass, following him, so Tony had to put it back in.

"It didn't work. It didn't. Um."

"Didn't what?"

"Get in."

Tony thought, maybe he should stop, but Barnes was pushing back at his fingers now, his inside clenching softly, which took Tony's breath away. OK, half wasn't bad. Tony was technically not the first one, so... Barnes moved his ass back again, chasing his fingers.

"Fucking shameless," Tony muttered and slapped his ass again. Tony could see Barnes blushing hard and grinned.

Tony twisted his fingers and found the spot, which rewarded him a whimper and beautifully shaking thighs.

After what felt like an eternity later, Barnes was loose enough. Tony put a condom on and lubes himself, stood behind Barnes.

"I'm going to fuck you now," Tony said, spilling more lube on Barnes's hole, this time warmed it up a bit. Barnes's ass was practically dripping with lube. Tony kept applying more and more, and the excess dribbled down on his thighs, ass, and even waist, and back where Tony stroked to soothe him.

"It's going to feel very different than a few fingers. Do you understand?"

Barnes just nodded.

"Barnes, I need a verbal answer. I need you to say it," Tony rubbed Barnes's ass and thighs, with his lubed palm, and slid around to touch Barnes's hard cock, and sighed, fuck, at how hard and slick his cock was.

"Yes, I understand." Barnes' voice was low. He added, "I want it."

"You want what?"

Tony needed to check if Barnes is OK. Even though what they were doing was fucked up, consent was important to him, so he would turn around, jerk off in the shower if Barnes said no.

And actually, that wasn't it. Tony once heard that before he fell from the train, Barnes was one smooth motherfucker, who flirted with anyone with a heartbeat.

And now, he couldn't even say the word 'fuck,' which Tony found extremely entertaining.

"You want what?" Tony asked again.

"I want you in me," Barnes said quietly.

OK, that was good enough for tonight. 

"Please," Barnes added.

With that, Tony's patience ran out. He buried his cock to the hilt in one go. Barnes made a sound like it was punched out of him. An animal instinct in Tony begged him to just slap in and out. But Tony waited for this so long, he was going to make this count. 

Solely with his will power, he fucked Barnes. He squeezed Barnes's ass cheek together with his hand and put his cock in slowly to the hilt and pulled it completely out. After a couple of those agonizing thrusts, Barnes was practically sobbing, and when Barnes wiggled his ass a little bit towards him, Tony lost it. While slamming in, Tony hazily thought he found Barnes's prostate, and the sound Barnes made proved Tony's right.

Barnes tried to stay quiet, bitten his arm, which Tony didn't approve at all.  
Tony pulled Barnes's hair back, hard enough that Barnes's back arched so much, he stood up. Tony's chest and Barnes's back flush against each other, he could feel Barnes breathing hard. And the look on Barnes's face alone could make Tony come.

Their position was awkward, Tony being shorter than Barnes, but Tony thrusted up hard a few times and came buried deep inside. When he stopped breathing hard like a mad man, he sunk down to his knees and sucked Barnes off with two fingers in. When the third one joined in, Barnes came shaking.

\--

Because Tony jumped him as soon as Barnes came to the workshop, he was doing the check-up after sex.

Barnes was a mess, his hair rumpled, eyes wild, his whole body shimmering with lube and other bodily fluids. It was a long way to Barnes's room, so Tony let him use the shower. Barnes's hair was wet, dripping water on the chair. Tony frowned but let him be. Barnes used Tony's body wash and shampoo, so he smelled familiar. A bit different from Tony's. It was Barnes's natural scent, which wasn't entirely unpleasant. It was actually a bit arousing since Tony knew how Barnes smelled and tasted when Tony licked and bit Barnes's naked flesh.

Tony was about to close up when he noticed Barnes dozing off.

Barnes never let his guard down, even around Rogers. Barnes avoided literally everything except for the mandatory training. He did it to have a roof over his head, food on the table. And being with the Avengers was safe, safe-ish. Barnes could get by fine outside the Stark tower, but not having to look back on his shoulder every day must be a plus.

And even though Barnes was capable, he did need something else.

'He needs to feel like he's included in this world, a member of a group.'

That was what Rogers said when he was begging Tony to let Barnes in.

It didn't work as Rogers hope, Tony guessed. When Barnes had to be around people, he was anxious, always looking for an exit, then stood near there. Preferably under the shadows. 

He had no noble intention like Rogers.

He just endured it. Endured time.

That was why at first Tony couldn't find a way to break him.

And he was dozing off, in front of Tony, who could kill him, right now, right here.

Tony found himself watching Barnes. It almost felt intimate.

Barnes soon woke up, apologized, and left.

\--

That night Tony sat at his desk. He couldn't avoid it anymore. He needed to figure this out.

Fucking Barnes was great. To people like Tony, casual sex was not a safe option. He either had to be in a serious relationship or bring NDA forms everywhere, which made things go awkward very fast.

Tony, too, rarely let his guard down. It was exhausting, and to be honest after Pepper left, he had been lonely.

So, was that what he was doing? Was he having casual sex with an ex-brainwashed soldier who killed his parents? Because he was horny and lonely?

No. That wasn't it.

Because of how it felt when they fuck. Casual sex should be fun, light. But fucking Barnes wasn't always that. Sometimes Tony looked down at Barnes, watched him writhe with pleasure, under his touch, moving as Tony orders, detached and cold. And he felt that rage, that hatred he felt for months coming back. Tony had to resist the desire to slap him hard across the face. Instead, he pushed Barnes harder.

There was no dignified way to say it. This was a revenge fuck. Tony was fucking him because sex was the only way to get any reaction from Barnes.

Tony felt Barnes was getting slightly leaning to him. It won't take much to get Barnes attached to him. Make him trust him.

Sex seemed to be the only weakness Barnes had. And that was it. Tony would make Barnes let his guard down, break him.

So, what was wrong with having some fun on the way?

Barnes was a fantastic lay after all.


	4. Chapter 4

"Everyone. Out." Tony said in a cold voice.

"Ok, let's take a short break," Rogers added softly.

While waiting for the room to get empty, Tony gritted his teeth, tried to fight off the desire to walk up to Rogers and punch him in the face.

Romanoff stared at Tony for a moment and tapped Rogers's shoulder on her way out.

"Good luck," Romanoff muttered to Rogers.

Barnes was at the back of the room. Tony could sense Barnes lingering and tried not to look.

"Bucky, do you want to say something?" Rogers asked calmly.

"Get out." Tony snapped.

"Tony, Bucky has the right to…"

"Fuck you, Rogers." Tony cut him off.

Barnes gave a worried look at Tony but left as told.

As soon as the door closed, Tony shouted.

"Are you fucking serious?"

"Bucky said he could do it." 

"Of course, he did. He'll do whatever you ask," Tony snorted.

"Tony, you need to trust people," Rogers sighs and crosses his arms.

"And you need to stop."

Tony walked toward the screen. He was struggling to come up with other ways to do the mission without Barnes dying when Rogers asked,

"Why are you so upset, Tony?"

"I'm not," Tony said, occupied with his thoughts.

"You just threw twenty people out of the room, mid-briefing."

Fuck, Tony realized what he had done and grunted,

"This is a shitty plan, Rogers. People will die."

When Tony said 'People,' it meant Barnes. Tony wished Rogers wouldn't get it, but Tony doubts it because of what Rogers said next. 

"Are you worried about Bucky? Because he'll be fine, I promise you. You caring about Bucky is sweet. Unexpected, but sweet nonetheless. But..."

"It's not... I don't want the mission to go to shit just because you're too arrogant and dumb to see that."

Tony knew his voice was weak, so he turned his back.

"Do whatever you want."

Tony left, shutting the door hard enough to shake the room.

Barnes was standing near the door and took a few steps towards him, trying to say something.

"Fuck off."

Tony groaned as he walked away.

\--

Fuck him. Fuck Rogers and fuck Barnes.

Tony thought as he stomped to his workshop.

Tony knew Barnes wasn't ready. He barely managed to do everyday tasks.

Rogers clearly didn't understand where Barnes was at right now. He wants his old Bucky back so much that he was going to kill him for it.

But why do I care?

\--

Tony couldn't sleep. He drank too much coffee during the day, couldn't sleep, so he tried to compensate with an excessive amount of alcohol. It didn't work.

Tony got out to the roof to get some fresh air. He smoked his last cigarette months ago. Now he desperately wanted one. Tony breathed in and out a couple of times.

Barnes wouldn't leave his mind.

When Rogers asked, Barnes smiled and nodded, but Tony saw the nervous look on Barnes's face. It was the same panicked look Barnes gave when he wasn't sure what to do when they were together.

Tony remembered last week's check-up. Barnes was on top for the first time. Until then, their routine was Tony shoving Barnes to the bed, floor, table, anything with a flat surface, and getting his way with him.

Tony rested on the bed and guided Barnes to climb on. Barnes sank on Tony's cock, and when he was filled to the hilt, suddenly Barnes froze. Barnes didn't know what to do. Tony laughed and flipped him on all fours and fucked him from behind.

Barnes was fine when Tony was in charge, but when Tony let him lead, Barnes got lost. Tony thought it was kind of funny, even charming, but now he was imagining Barnes freezing on the mission with the same panicked look.

Tony felt someone behind him, and it didn't even take a second to know it was Barnes. Tony turned around and found Barnes standing behind him. Tony pushed him to the wall hard enough that Barnes bumped his head against the wall.

"Why are you here?" Tony asked, furious.

Barnes tried to look away, but Tony grabbed Barnes's chin and made Barnes face him.

"What do you want?" Tony pushed.

Barnes's face was ice cold. He had been up here for a while.

"Tell me."

Tony almost added 'please' but bit his tongue. Barnes seemed nervous, his eyes wandered. Tony wanted to shake the answer off him, but instead, he tucked Barnes's hair behind his ear and stroked the back of Barnes's neck. Barnes sighed and closed his eyes.

"Barnes. Just tell me."

Barnes finally looked at Tony but said nothing.

Fine.

\--  
  
At the workshop, Tony handed Barnes a clean towel. Barnes took it and looked at Tony, confused.

"Put it in your mouth. You're going to need it."

Tony opened Barnes's metal arm and found three wires and burned it off one by one. The first one made Barnes cry out. Tony didn't stop and burned the second and third one quickly with steady hands. Barnes fainted, and Tony caught Barnes from falling to the ground.

Tony put Barnes on the chair and pulled out the towel. It was soaked with blood. Tony put his finger inside Barnes's mouth and touched where it bled. Barnes didn't bite his tongue off. Good.

Tony checked the time and found it was 3 a.m. The team was supposed to leave at 5, so Barnes had to survive this for just a few hours.

If Tony didn't do it this way, if Barnes really wasn't in agonizing pain, he would go to the mission as Rogers wanted. He was fucking stubborn that way.

Tony woke him up by slapping his face. Barnes opened his eyes, groaning because of the pain.

Tony rubbed the blood off Barnes's lips with his thumb and said,

"Come back after they leave."

\-- 

Barnes didn't go on the mission. When Barnes came to the workshop, just about to pass out because of the pain, Tony fixed his arm without a word.

\--

Next week, Tony took Barnes to the bedroom.

Tony sat down on the bed, fully clothed. Barnes was taking his clothes off on his side of the bed when he spotted Tony. Barnes stopped and stared.

Tony huffed. Barnes wanted instructions.

"What do you want to do?" Tony asked.

"What do you want me to do?" Barnes asked back.

Tony threw a handcuff to Barnes. Barnes caught it easily.

"Tie me up."

Barnes paused for a second but cuffed Tony's hands on the headboard as he was told. After the handcuff clicked, Tony pulled it a couple of times to check if it's secure.

"Do what you want to do," Tony said.

Barnes watched Tony, trying to figure him out. But Tony had no intention to help him.

Barnes took his clothes off and climbed on the bed, his thick cock, already half-hard, hanging between his legs. Then he pulled Tony's jeans and briefs off, went down to suck Tony's cock. When Tony got hard, which didn't take that much time, Barnes's hand paced up.

"Not yet," Tony stopped him. Barnes looked up, his lips glistening with spit, and fuck, Tony wanted to touch so much.

"What do you want next?" Tony said, his voice hoarse.

Barnes stumbled to find lube and blushed beautifully when he put lube coated fingers in him. Tony's already hard cock ached from watching Barnes stretch himself. Tony wanted nothing more than to get out of the handcuff and jump on Barnes, but he knew he had to be patient.

Three fingers later, Barnes swallowed and climbed on Tony's lap. Tony sat up, touching Barnes as much as he could without his hands. He licked Barnes's neck and kissed his way down to bite on Barnes's nipple. Barnes lets out a sob, tried to get away, but Tony chased him and sucked it till it got hard and a bit more after that.

"Go slow," Tony mumbled.

Barnes sank on Tony's cock slowly. Tony wanted to thrust up but kept in place, which took some effort. Barnes was tighter than usual. Tony always prepped for him, so Barnes wasn't used to doing it himself. It wasn't enough. Halfway in, Tony gave him shallow, quick thrusts to stretch him, which didn't quite work.

Maybe this was a bad idea, Tony was thinking then Barnes just sat on Tony's cock using his weight at once.

"Ah, fuck," Tony moaned out loud.

It felt great at Tony's end, the almost uncomfortable pressure, but Barnes's thighs on each side of Tony's was trembling. Tony could feel Barens's inside spasming quickly, trying to adjust to the sudden stretch.

"Why the hell did you do that?"

"You said I could do what I want," Barnes said, his eyes closed.

"So, you just push through when you're not ready?"

Barnes was clenching like a vice around him, and he stayed still, showing he didn't know what to do next.

Tony sighed, nipped Barnes's neck, and said quietly, "Grab my shoulder."

Barnes put his flesh hand on Tony's shoulders and with that Tony ground on Barnes little by little, sucking on his neck and shoulder until Barnes's breathing came down a bit. Then he thrust up, saw white at the squeeze, and heard Barnes's breath hitch. He did a couple more thrusts, felt Barnes adjusting, and asked.

"You ok?"

"Yeah."

Tony thrust up sharply once to hear Barnes yelp.

"Your turn now," Tony said, lying back.

Barnes bit on his lips, then he pushed Tony's shoulder down as he rose up and back down. At his first move, he let out a desperate moan that made Tony swore out loud. Barnes sank again, this time a bit faster. The next one was a full slam, and Barnes threw his head back, whined as he shook. And the face he made. God.

"Good?" Tony asked.

"Good. You?" Barnes groaned.

"Depends on what you do next. Make me come."

It felt different, new from what they were doing till now. This new position bringing out new sensations by breaking new corners they didn't know existed, was one wonderful thing. The other thing was that Barnes was in charge. Tony always led before now, so although he had immense fun having sex with Barnes, he kind of knew what the next move, what next feeling would be. Now Barnes was in charge, so Tony just hung on to him, hoping he makes it alive.

The pace Barnes led was slow and quiet. But also intense Tony could hardly breathe. He didn't know how careful and gentle Barnes could be. Barnes was overwhelmed with pleasure, fucking himself on Tony, but he checked on him, not breaking eye contact.

Tony stared at his cock going in and out of Barnes, dazed, then saw Barnes's hard cock leaving wet traces on Tony's stomach as he moved.

"You can touch yourself." Tony's voice was rough.

Barnes looked at him with his eyes half-closed, then he put his hand on his cock, lazily stroked himself. Barnes stroking his cock, and under that, his cock going in and out of him at a pace he decides, it wasn't a view Tony would forget. 

Tony thought this was great, probably one of the best fucks he had, but they couldn't come like this, Barnes needed to pick up the pace. But a few lazy strokes later Barnes came and watching Barnes come undone like that pushed Tony off the edge.

Tony waited for Barnes to recover. He stopped shaking and opened his eyes, found Tony's close and startled. Tony could feel Barnes's warm breath on his lips. They both breathed in and out like that for a while.

Barnes worried his lips, gaze wandering on Tony's face, landing on Tony's mouth. Barnes opened his lips slightly, like an invitation for a kiss. They've never kissed yet. It wasn't intentional. Tony wasn't the 'no kiss on the lips' cliche guy. It just didn't come up. Now was certainly not the right time, they fucked already. But Tony reached to touch Barnes, forgetting he was handcuffed. The sound of the handcuff clanging woke both of them up. Barnes blushed and got off, unlocked Tony's handcuff.

Tony got in the shower right away, and when Tony came out, Barnes was gone.  
  
\--  
  
After the mission, Rogers came to the workshop and briefed Tony. Barnes, even though he was half passed out from the pain, gave Rogers another plan they could do without him. And it turned out, if they went with the original plan, Barnes would be dead. Rogers was honest, and he owned up to his mistake.  
  
About the arm, they never talked about it.


	5. Chapter 5

The best thing about fucking Barnes, though there were many to choose from, was watching him react to pleasure.

Barnes seemed to know very little about his body. It was as if he was from another planet where there was no sex at all.

Most people Tony fucked, including Tony himself, learned sex not only from experience but porn or movies. It was refreshing to fuck someone who didn't have smooth go-to moves, exaggerated reactions, and some look they learned that was supposedly sexy.

Barnes simply didn't know how to deal with pleasure and was occupied by what Tony drew out of him, trying to act sexy was out of the question. He showed Tony precisely what he wanted, how he was feeling, and it was unbelievably arousing and addictive.

Tony was the one who taught Barnes how to move, where to touch. Discover what made him feel good.

From what Tony had heard, Barnes wasn't a virgin, rather a smooth playboy, but during the hydra years, it seemed like Barnes's experience of pain erased the memory of touching, sucking, fucking. Even now, after a few fucks, Barnes seemed lost when Tony showed him new ways of fucking, but at first, it was worse.

Barnes wanted but also looked like he expected some pain. It depressed Tony and made him want to cover it up, guide Barnes away from the hydra years, and show him that there was something good.

Tony sometimes felt like he was also in unknown territory.

Tony fucked plenty of people, so he thought he knew what he wanted, liked, and had some tricks up his sleeve. But by fucking Barnes, Tony also learned again to touch, feel, discover his pleasure in a new way.

It was strange.

Barnes and him.

The two of them learning and discovering what they could do.

\--

Tony handcuffed Barnes's hands to the bedpost and tied his legs to the end of the bed to spread his legs obscenely wide. He knew it wouldn't take a lot for Barnes to break out, but that wasn't the point.

Barnes had a pillow beneath his hips and a rubber dildo in his ass. Tony stroked and sucked Barnes's cock torturously slow, occasionally driving the toy right on his prostate. Right before Barnes was about to come, Tony would let go. 

When designing the workshop, soundproofing it well was on his list for privacy and concentration. Romanov called it a serial killer's fantasy, which Tony dismissed, but sometimes it would get too quiet. He blasted the music loud and talked to himself and his creations to escape the void.

Now Tony didn't need those because he had Barnes.

The room was filled with wet sounds of Tony sucking Barnes, whispers of filthy promises between licks. And the lovely sound Barnes made, enduring Tony's torture.

Barnes wanted to keep quiet when they were fucking, which made their nights infinitely more fun. Drawing out different sounds from Barnes became Tony's challenge.

What makes Barnes so desperate to be quiet? Tony wondered, looking down at Barnes, who was biting his lips raw as Tony twisted the dildo in him.

Being extremely shy in bed, blushing at the drop of a hat must be one of the reasons. The other was the control Barnes wanted to have over himself, the need to not show himself to others. Tony suspected it was imprinted in him during his Winter Soldier years.

Tony would eventually get bored with Barnes, but now, he couldn't get enough of him. He wanted to touch, taste, feel every part of Barnes.

Barnes's hard cock was dripping with precome, spit, and lube, twitching and hardening with Tony's touch. Perfect.

Tony needed to take a photo of it. He didn't know what to do with it, but he wanted to save the moment. He then realized Barnes would be there whenever Tony wanted, and him being naked and bare before Tony's eyes was better than any photo he could possibly take.

Tony left soft marks on Barnes's inner thigh that made him shiver and slid his fingers down to rub around Barnes's hole stretched by the dildo. Barnes raised his head, his face flushed and nervous.

"Please," Barnes begged, his voice weak.

"Please, what?" Tony asked coyly, biting back his grin.

Tony drove the dildo in fast and brutal, leading to Barnes jumping and yanking his handcuffs, almost breaking it.

"No," Tony said softly.

It only took a few extra thrusts to get Barnes to have that look on his face. Barnes was going to come, his cock untouched, only with the dildo pushing on his prostate.

Enticing thought, but unacceptable. Barnes was going to come on Tony's cock or not at all.

"Tony, please. I want..."

Barnes was practically sobbing, and Tony himself too couldn't wait anymore, so he pulled the dildo out and lubed himself. Tony felt his cock throbbing almost painfully and saw how hard Barnes made him. It wasn't just him torturing Barnes. Barnes had the same effect on him too.

"You should see yourself. So ready. So shameless," Tony breathed, leisurely stroking his own cock, the sound so filthy as he twisted on the tip, and he couldn't stop the low moan torn out of him. Barnes looked at Tony's cock and visibly swallowed, making Tony's grin wider.

Before Tony pushed in, he put two fingers in Barnes' hole to check. He rubbed Barnes's prostate gently, brushed his lips on Barnes's neck and mumbled low, directly to his ears,

"I'm going to fuck you till you beg, screaming. Tomorrow when you go training with Rogers, you're going to feel it every time you move. And you'll think of this all week. I know you're going to come begging for more," Tony smirked as he saw Barnes pause for a moment, his eyes growing wild and his face turning red.

Barnes's hole flinched when Tony rubbed the tip of his cock on it. No more condoms now. They were clean, had no other sexual partners, and not using condoms made it a bit messier to clean up. Tony imagined Barnes cleaning his cum off, back in his room. What kind of expression will he make?

He sunk into Barnes inch by inch, savoring Barnes's shaky sob, arching his hips eagerly to take Tony's cock. After Tony pushed to the hilt, his balls flush to Barnes's ass, he gave Barnes a second to adjust and looked down at him.

Barnes looked back, his eyes wet with want, cheeks flushed pink, biting his lips. That view deserved to be shot and printed. Tony had to take a picture or ten. Suddenly more excited, Tony decided to take some photos just to see Barnes squirm, embarrassed, when Barnes's insides clenched, stopping Tony from pulling out. Tony slammed in hard instinctively. It was too much, Barnes whined and closed his eyes tight. Tony almost apologized, but instead, he brushed Barnes's hair off his damp forehead. At Tony's touch, Barnes opened his eyes, dazed and heavy with lust.

Tony felt a sudden softness rushing into him and reminded himself it was just sex. Just sex. He commanded, his tone cold.

"Tell me exactly what you want."

"I don't know," Barnes murmured.

"You want it hard?" Tony said as he gave him one harsh thrust, bottoming out at once, making both of them whine and cry out of pleasure.

"Or you want it slow?" Tony ground his hips in a circular motion, buried deep inside.

Tony never really enjoyed talking dirty. Sex is already hot, why talk about it? It felt strange and unnecessary, but with Barnes, it was different. A lot of things were different. Did that mean he was significant, special? Tony put that thought away quickly.

"Tell me now, or I'm going to pull out," Tony licked Barnes's nipple with the flat of his tongue, sucked it firmly.

"Barnes," Tony met Barnes's eyes, one hand gripping Barnes's ass and the other, rubbing Barnes's nipple delicately.

"Whatever you, ahh, you want," Barnes panted, squirming as Tony's touch on his nipple got a tad rough.

"Whatever I want?" Tony asked, lightly pinching Barnes's nipples with both hands, staring at Barnes's wet swollen lips. He couldn't take his eyes off how Barnes licked his lower lips.

"Yes, whatever you want," Barnes said, averting his eyes, his face red, but he was nonetheless grinding his hips against Tony's.

"Ok, then I want you to be quiet. No sound. At all. Got it?"

Tony fucked Barnes hard, his balls slapping on Barnes's ass blatantly. He grabbed Barnes's hips and then his hair and then his throat, slamming in brutally fast and rough, trying to make Barnes cry out.

Barnes had all the signs. His hard cock bounced on his stomach, and the handcuff was just moments away from breaking. And his face. Tony could look at him all day. Flushed, desperate, broken. But Barnes made no sound whatsoever. He was great with orders.

So Tony changed his strategy. This time, Tony was slow and tender. Every thrust went deeper than the previous one, from shallow thrusts to intense deep ones that left Barnes shaking in no time.

"Better?" Tony smirked, snapping his hips.

Tony lowered and braced himself on his elbows. They were so close that he and Barnes's face almost met, and Tony could feel Barnes the breath of his face. Barnes blushed and turned his head sideways to look away, which Tony didn't approve at all.

"Look at me," Tony ordered.

Entirely in and then entirely out, Tony felt Barnes's body opening up for him and clenching him tightly before Tony pulled out.

Tony pushed in, massaging Barnes's thighs, felt the goosebumps rise. Barnes's breath hitched, and Tony heard the tiniest whine.

So, this is what works, Tony smiled and kept that strategy.

Tony sucked on Barnes' neck, behind his ears, his arms, wrists, everywhere he can reach, and Barnes got frantic, couldn't decide if he should lean to his touch or pull away, but there was nowhere to go. Tony sucked on Barnes's neck, thrusting agonizingly slow, tormenting himself too when he just wanted to fuck him till he comes, but it was worth waiting to watch Barnes suffer. Then like a reflex, Tony licked Barnes' lips.

It wasn't a kiss at first. Barnes' eyes were wide open, startled. Tony decided he liked it more than when he sucked other parts of Barnes's body. It was kind of strange, licking someone's closed mouth, but Barnes' lips were soft and puffy, and the taste made Tony want to do it again, so he did it.

Just a kiss. They fucked way filthier, why not something as simple as a kiss. This was going to happen eventually, and by the reaction of Barnes, kissing was the more effective way to get Barnes to surrender.

As much as Tony wanted to dive into Barnes's mouth, he took it slow. Because he knew this would be Barnes's first kiss in a long time, so Tony wanted it to be a good one.

They were doing things backward. Tony saw Barnes fingering himself and swallowing Tony's load, one time simultaneously, but this was their first kiss.

Tony kissed him like he would to a first date. Just a peck. Then a bit longer, then a bit of tongue. It was too innocent considering Tony's cock was in Barnes's ass, but pleasant.

After a lot of short and light kisses, Tony ran his fingers through Barnes's hair and murmured against Barnes's mouth.

"Open it."

Barnes' lips slightly parted, letting Tony lick his way in. Barnes hesitated for a moment, then soon he kissed back eagerly. Tony hungrily pushed back, roughly swallowing Barnes, though his hand caressing Barnes's face was gentle.

So, this is how you kiss, Tony thought. And this is your taste.

They kissed for a bit, breathing each other in, then Tony backed off to catch a breath and saw Barnes.

Barnes was stunning, his long hair tousled, his cheeks showing color that matched his wet lips. Tony expected that. What he didn't prepare for was Barnes, with his eyes closed, licking his own lower lip like he wanted to chase and savor the taste.

"Fuck," Tony swore.

Tony went for a full, open-mouthed kiss and snapped his hips hard. Since Barnes couldn't grit his teeth like before, he started to moan straight into Tony's mouth. Tony noticed Barnes getting timid and anxious; his hiding strategy no longer an option.

"No sound, remember?" Tony bit Barnes's lip hard, pulling another whine from him.

"Now, as a punishment, you're not allowed to come until I say so," Tony said into Barnes's mouth.

Tony picked up the pace and fucked him hard and fast, kissing all over. It didn't take long for Barnes to break down.

"Please. I want," Barnes shook.

"You want what?" Tony smirked.

Everything was out in the open. It was one of the filthiest fucks Tony ever had. And still, Barnes couldn't even say the word 'come.'

Tony pulled out to untie Barnes's legs, and he swore loudly because he tied him up too well. Barnes just ripped the ropes off.

"Woah, You ok?"

Tony tried to check Barnes's ankles if it was scraped or bruised, but Barnes wrapped his legs around Tony's hips, tugging him back in.

"Ok, showoff. You want it that bad, huh?" Tony grinned.

Barnes raised himself up for an urgent kiss, which Tony rewarded with a particularly deep thrust. Tony felt an intense squeeze on his cock, which meant Barnes had enough for the night. Now Tony's goal changed to making Barnes come, so he carried out his work diligently. He grabbed the back of Barnes's neck, put both Barnes's leg on his shoulder, and slammed it in hard.

"Please, Tony. Let me…" Barnes pleaded sobbing.

"Not yet," Tony cut him off. A little bit more teasing wasn't going to hurt.

Barnes was close, so close, but he wouldn't let go. Tony wanted to stop playing games and fucking come right now, but Tony was never the one to back down from the challenge. When Tony saw Barnes's toes curling hard, he acted on impulse. He licked the top of Barnes's feet, and Barnes shivered and moaned, trying to get out.

"I'm close," Barnes panted, hands clenching the ripped sheets.

Tony didn't give permission. Instead, he jerked Barnes off. Barnes threw his head back and gasped when Tony first touched his cock.

Barnes's voice shook when he whispered, "Don't."

It rubbed Tony in the wrong way.

Barnes was giving orders now? Tony thought, and the thought made him angry, and it was that anger that pushes him to jerk him off harshly.

Tony could see Barnes trying so very hard not to come. He moved his hips to change the angle, so Tony didn't hit his prostate every time, wiggled his hips, trying to get away from Tony's hand.

Then, Barnes's look subtly changed, he looked up and down and watched Tony's face with intent.

Tony realized Barnes was strategizing, and he didn't like the fact that Barnes still had the brain cells left to think.

Tony broke the handcuff, which, to be fair, Barnes did most of the work, threw it away, and moved fast.

"Hold your legs up," Tony panted, sliding in again.

Barnes was a surprisingly flexible guy for his size and build. Barnes's eyes got wider when Tony pushed his legs to wrap over Tony's neck, bending him in half. Tony stuck his arm under Barnes's shoulder and supported Barnes's head with his hand, facing him closely.

"Touch yourself."

Tony kept pushing Barnes down the mattress, locking him in tightly. At the first deep stretch and push, Barnes threw his head back and whimpered, his thighs shaking.

"I can't. Oh, god. I'm too close," Barnes panted. "Please let me come," Barnes whispered that last word.

"No coming yet. Hold it back and touch your cock now."

Barnes put his palm over his cock, reluctantly rubbed it while Tony slammed in with a steady, hard pace. Tony leaned down and bit Barnes's lip sharply, making Barnes come in quick spurts shuddering his whole body.

Tony pulled his cock out, jerked off with shakey hands, and watched the rush of pleasure on Barnes. Barnes was riding high, his cock still hard after coming quite an impressive amount.

"I didn't say you could stop. Keep jerking off," Tony whispered.

Barnes whined but did as he was told. After a few strokes, Barnes came again. Tony hurriedly buried his cock deep inside Barnes to feel him clenching almost uncomfortably tight and fucked him through his second orgasm. Barnes put his arm over his mouth, attempting to keep his cry of pleasure, which Tony didn't allow it by kissing him to open him up, and then swallowed his moans.

When Barnes got a bit settled, Tony fucked him again to finish. Barnes was limp after coming twice, but he squeezed and ground his ass to help bring Tony off. Tony groaned and swore as he spilled himself inside Barnes. He had been holding off so long, the wave was intense, falling from far up, Tony had to hold on to Barnes.

When his thighs stopped shaking, Tony flopped down on the bed, panting, his hips involuntarily jerking forward a few times.

Barnes lay there for about a minute, breathing heavily, then cleaned himself right away.

Once they fucked, Tony was in a particularly bad mood. Not at all because of Barnes. The fuck was quick and selfish. After Tony pulled out, Barnes was exhausted, and he lay on the bed for a bit, catching his breath. Before he recovered, Tony snarled, "What the fuck are you still doing here?"

Barnes jumped subtly and paused just for a bit, unbelievably still, but then got up, dressed efficiently like the soldier he was. He left with no expression on his face.

After that night, Barnes always left as soon as Tony was done with him unless Tony asked him otherwise. Barnes would wait for a bit, and if Tony stayed silent, he would dart like his switch was on.

Barnes's hands were shaking, breathing still uneven, but he got dressed quickly with no hesitation.

Barnes looked worried for some reason, but Tony was too satisfied with post-coital high to bother.

"Next week?"

And there was something besides his usual neutral expression.

Tony answered, "Yeah, Whatever."

\--

Later, much later, Tony learned that what he saw in Barnes' face was fear.  
Fear of repercussion of not obeying orders.

Barnes came without permission, so he was afraid that their meeting was going to end.

To Tony, it was a slight dom and sub game.

It wasn't for Barnes.


	6. Chapter 6

"Stark, you need to come here, right now."

The mission went smoothly, wasn't a tricky one. Tony refused to participate, said he was out, he was just a tech guy now, but Rogers nagged and nagged until Tony finally said yes.

After all the things that happened between them, Rogers still could make Tony surrender. Batted his eyes, smiled, said something naïve with stupid passion, and Tony begrudgingly agreed.

Tony said yes, but under one condition, he was just going to be a lookout.

The mission was almost over, bad guys were knocked down, evil staffers surrendered, the hard disk containing valuable information secured, and so on.

Tony was thinking of what to have for dinner, Chinese? Thai? When Romanov's stiff voice came through the comm.

"Stark, It's Barnes."

Something cold twisted inside him. Tony remembered it was an ex-hydra mission.

Not the best choice for Barnes, but it had been a few years, Barnes passed all the tests, and he said he was ok with it.

"What about him?" Tony tried to sound neutral.

"I don't know. I've got him cornered, but the situation isn't looking good," Romanov was out of breath. There was no way she didn't know the problem. She was trying to take this off the record. Then it must be a 'Winter Soldier' thing.

"Where's Rogers? Make him take care of it."

"Rogers is three minutes away."

Tony didn't respond for a second.

How severe was Barnes' freak out that it couldn't wait three minutes?

"Tony," Romanov never calls him by his first name on a mission.

That cold feeling inside him, it was now becoming a storm. Tony got back in his suit, flew up to the fucking building.

\--

At first, Tony was lost. Where is he? It was raining, hard. Not just, 'Could use an umbrella' hard, 'I can't see straight' hard. Tony was inside the building, so he didn't know the rain was this harsh.

Tony found Barnes on the edge, one step, no, half step away from falling. Romanov said something in Russian constantly, trying to soothe Barnes.

It was just ten floors up, and he's a super-soldier, maybe he would survive, Tony thought and looked down, and found there were spikes everywhere.

Ok. So, this is serious.

The rain was unforgiving, too cold, and too rough. Barnes was soaked from head to toe. Romanov was all wet too, but she wasn't the one shaking, freaking out of her mind, so no time to pity her.

Tony got out of the suit, and Barnes looked at him like he didn't recognize him. And that was when Tony got really scared. Barnes was gone, and the Winter Soldier was back. He might attack them or, worse, jump to his inevitable death to get away from Tony.

Now, Tony was the one shaking. He walked slowly towards Barnes, hands both up to show him he wasn't armed, harmless.

Didn't work, Barnes or the Winter Soldier, whoever it was, he was a sharp guy. He knew the Iron man suit was just behind him. And no one in their business was harmless and never unarmed.

Barnes's face was pale, his lips trembling blue. Tony hated it when Barnes was cold. Barnes was in ice most of his life, so he didn't care about it that much, but if it got a bit chilly, Tony would just put him deep in the sheets and fucked him beneath the cover, ignoring Barnes's complaint. 

Tony wanted Barnes warm, naked, in his bed.

"Barnes. Don't be an idiot." Tony said casually.

Barnes took a step sideways, murmuring something in Russian. Tony didn't speak the language, but by the looks of it, it wasn't, 'Tony, I'm back and ready to go, so take me to bed and fuck me until my eyes roll back.' 

Another tactic was needed.

"Come down. Now." He commanded. It was his bedroom voice when he wanted to play rough.

That kind of got through to Barnes. At least he wasn't frozen anymore. He looked down the building, tried to find a clean exit, found Tony and Romanov blocking the way, and turned to Tony again.

He was going to jump.

Tony got desperate, and he didn't care that Romanov was right beside him and said,

"Just. Come over here."

The words were not that different from the order, but his tone was different. It was pleading, gentle.

"I'm here."

Tony never knew he would talk to Barnes that way. When they were not playing rough, Tony was pretty affectionate in bed. But not this much. Not this much vulnerability and desperation. He was begging to the guy, who killed his parents, who Tony had been hate fucking for a few months.

"Come back to me."

Barnes jerked his whole body, and Tony thought, He's dead. It's over.

But then, Barnes came down, his legs shook, and he collapsed hard on the floor. Romanov tried to run to him, but Tony stopped her. They didn't know who that was yet.

Barnes was on his knees, looking down at the ground. Tony slowly walked toward Barnes.

"You back?" Tony asked.

No answer.

Tony got down, and put his finger under his chin, pulled it up to look at his face. And Tony knew he was back.

"I'm sorry," Barnes said. His face wet from the rain.

"It's fine," Tony murmured. Tony put his hand on Barnes's cheek, and god damn it, his face was ice-cold. Tony stroked his cheek, and Barnes leaned into the touch, closed his eyes.

Now that Barnes was safe and back, his legs gave away, and Tony slumped down on the wet floor. He felt his body shaking uncontrollably and clenched his teeth. The rain was gradually stopping, making Tony tremble more in his wet soggy clothes and very much stressed mind.

Tony felt a hesitant hand on his shoulder and found Barnes looking at him.

"I'm good," Tony said, his voice shaky. Tony took a deep breath and did what he was good at. Resolve the situation. If they found out Barnes had an episode on the mission, they would make him go through another set of horrible tests, and Tony thought it wasn't necessary.

"Ok, Barnes. This didn't happen. I won't tell anyone. I'll make Romanov shut up, too. Romanov probably let Rogers know through the comm, but not in detail. She didn't say the 'W' word. And if she did, I doubt it, but if she did, I'd make him shut up, too. The others would shut up, too. They like you. And burying the audio isn't hard. I could do it when we get back. So you don't have to report this. This was a very minor incident, but if they know, it'll get unnecessarily huge."

"It's ok. If they know, they know."

Tony hesitated for a bit then said,

"You want to come today? I know it's not the check-up day, but. You almost dying, or killing me, thing."

Barnes looked at him with his head slightly tilted, his expression neutral, making Tony oddly anxious. And then Barnes suddenly stood up, getting away from Tony. He felt lost, betrayed even, and a beat later, he heard Rogers screaming. "Bucky!"

Rogers ran in with the other Avengers and huddled around Barnes. Tony turned his back on them and walked away, hearing Barnes saying he's ok, it's all fine now.

Tony met eyes with Romanov. She just nodded once and went to the others. Tony could trust Romanov wouldn't tell. If not because she respected their privacy, she would keep her mouth shut and save the information to maybe blackmail Tony one day.

Tony got into his suit and flew to the Tower. After he got his wet clothes off and took a hot shower and had a drink, he could still feel the touch of Barnes's cold face on his hand.

Tony heard the door slide open and found Barnes, standing awkwardly.

"Um, I thought, you said to come, so."

Barnes was wearing that old t-shirt Tony couldn't decide if he hated it or not and a pair of jeans. It wasn't a warm day, and the building was always air-conditioned. Plus, having a freak out incident in the freezing rain and almost dying right there, thing. Why was he wearing a fucking thin, worn out, t-shirt? He remembered telling someone to tell someone to get some clothes for Barnes.

Tony had been silent for too long, hating that fucking t-shirt, and Barnes looked like he was two seconds before walking out. 

Tony closed the distance between them right then, put his arms around him, ignoring all the warning signs ringing in his head, such as What the fuck are you doing? This was so not our plan.

Tony pulled Barnes into the bedroom.

\--

That was the first time they fucked outside of the check-up day.

Tony put Barnes under the heavy covers, ignored him muttering it was too hot, and touched all over his warm body, not much in a sexual way, but more inspecting, so he could reassure himself that Barnes wasn't cold anymore.

They fucked quickly, both of them didn't have the energy to drag it out. While Barnes was in the shower, Tony threw the fucking t-shirt away and gave him his largest shirt. Barnes after shower looked cold with his hair wet, so Tony pulled him in bed again. And they fucked again. Barnes left, muttering something like, he could wear what he want, Tony's clothes don't fit, but left wearing Tony's shirt.

Tony lay on the empty bed and thought about the fear that gripped him, back at the roof.

Tony wanted Barnes dead, tried to kill him, and almost succeeded.

But back at the roof, his first fear-driven thought was,

If he dies, what am I going to do?


	7. Chapter 7

Things went smoothly.

Rogers and the Avengers were busy as always. They didn't bother Tony anymore. Whatever they were doing, he tried not to get involved. Because Tony knew if he started, nothing was going to stop him.

Tony kept his distance.

\--

Tony found a project.

It wasn't easy, and making that particular thing wasn't entirely in his field, so a lot of research and consulting were needed. It had been a while making something excited him. 

Tony focused all his time on the project.

\--

Barnes came for his check-up and fuck once a week.

Tony thought, maybe this thing with Barnes was the best relationship he ever had. Barnes was quiet, didn't want much, fucked obediently as Tony wanted, and fucked off for the rest of the week.

Sex with Barnes got better every time.

Tony seriously considered the possibility of Barnes fucking someone else on the side. But Barnes never left the building on his own, the staff were terrified of him, and if one of their team were fucking him, Tony would notice.

Tony suspected porn. So, he made Barnes watch two dudes 69ing and said, "We're going to do that tonight." 

Barnes was shocked, his jaw dropped. Barnes did what he was asked, and seemed to enjoy it, considering his breath hitched, and he moaned against Tony's cock, passing pleasant vibrate when Tony pushed his finger in. But Barnes refused to look at Tony for the rest of the night.

\--

And things changed a little, which made Tony anxious.

One day, all the Avengers had to go to a stupid fancy party, and Barnes looked so nervous. Too many guests, no clear exits, unreliable security. He wore a suit that was a bit big for him. Barnes was a big guy. Whoever made that suit, Tony was going to find and fire him. These small disasters made Barnes look dangerous, but to Tony, vulnerable.

Tony was standing on the opposite side of the room, and their eyes met. He sighed, acted like he needed to talk to an insignificant businessman who was standing next to Barnes.

Tony stayed near Barnes that whole night.

It was just so he could stop from Barnes freaking out and trashing the party, Tony thought to himself.

During the night, Tony got drunk. When he felt dizzy and fell, Barnes caught him. It was like having a massive, dangerous, moody bodyguard, Tony thought. People wouldn't even dare to imagine what Tony did to that expressionless killer.

Even at the Tower, when they were with others, Tony noticed himself trying to find Barnes. His eyes always wandered, trying to find the familiar figure. Barnes was usually standing in the darkest part of the room, which was a cliché, and Tony desperately wanted him to stop. Because it was getting old, Barnes needed a new thing.

Tony started to talk to Barnes, mainly because he liked talking, and Barnes was a good company. He listened, had his opinions, said it carefully, and it shocked Tony because it was refreshing, sharp, smart.

Tony found himself thinking about Barnes even when he wasn't with him. What Barnes's new thing should be, how come well-lit Tower had a shadow for Barnes to hide, his weird big suit, and what he was doing now. And checked the date to found out it had been only two days since the last check-up.

When they were together, Tony didn't think of anything else but Barnes.

That wasn't good.

\--

Tony felt Barnes opening up to him. He didn't talk much but answered when Tony asked something, which might not seem like a lot, but to Tony, who did the first few check-ups with Barnes sitting noiseless like a statue, who had to stop him from bitting his lips off because he didn't want to make a sound when Tony sucked him off, it was amazing progress.

Barnes also didn't flinch as badly as before, when Tony touched him without warning, which was a relief because Tony was a tactile guy, he liked touching. When he was with Barnes, he always had his hand ready to put on him. He didn't want to get choked because he groped Barnes's ass wrong. They had already done much, much worse. Groping his ass once, it wasn't even a sex thing. It was a reflex.

Barnes looked comfortable.

Barnes worked out, ate properly, did the mandatory training more focused than ever. Tony heard that Barnes beat the shit out of Barton, and he was so pleased, he couldn't help but smile.

Rogers was thrilled about it. Watching Rogers beaming with his arm around Barnes was a bit annoying. But, well, you can't have everything. 

Barnes showed up once, his hair cut, clean-shaven, with semi-decent clothes. Tony stared, and Barnes got self-conscious quick. Before he ran out, Tony kissed him and told him he looked nice. Barnes blushed and gave Tony a toe-curling blowjob.

\--

Then something worse happened. Way worse.

Tony had an agonizing, sit down, full course meal that went on for hours with high up politicians and the mega-rich. All different backgrounds, dynamics, motives to be here, but had one thing in common, everyone was an asshole.

Tony brought Romanov and Barnes as accessories to impress and entertain them, which those two very much hated and didn't fucking do it at the end, leaving Tony to do all the impressing and entertaining.

Why did he have so many mandatory events? He got rich for a reason. Tony was thinking, he really needed to have a talk with Pepper about these horrible schedules when he saw Barnes out of the corner of his eyes.

Tony sneaked a peek at Barnes every other ten minutes or so, so he could stop him from exploding. This was his first super fancy event. Barnes ate everything as soon as it was put in front of him as if he believed if he ate everything on the table, and looked like he would in a heartbeat if the tactic work, he would be excused. 

Nope. You have to stay with us, Tony thought. That was the shitty part of the job.

A little girl, maybe six, seven, wearing a too formal dress for her age, sat in front of Barnes. Who the hell in their right mind would sit a little girl near the Winter Soldier? This event's manager should be fired.

Tony saw the girl twitch uncomfortably in her seat, scratching her neck where the coarse fabric met her bare skin and felt immediate sympathy for her.

Tony was that kid when he was young. Plus-one to the parent's fancy gatherings. Showed around like a doll all day, too many people touching and watching him, wearing something that was probably a month's salary to most people but somehow always scratched and poked him wrong. So exhausted that he could melt to the floor, but must stay awake till they finished their third, or in Howard's case sixth drink.

Great to see things haven't changed, Tony thought, bitterly.

The girl was probably having it worse than him. She was wearing a dress too extravagant with laces and hand-stitched crystals, which would feel like sitting on rocks by now. Her arms and neck where the jewels were touching her bare skin were angry red, puffed.

She was looking at Barnes with her mouth wide open. Barnes's glove slid, revealing his metal wrist. Barnes noticed and quickly hid his metal arm under the table.

The girl hopped from her seat, jumped at Barnes, and held his hand up, looking at it freely, and Barnes flinched awkwardly, struggled to get his hand back. But the girl wouldn't let go.

Barnes turned his back from Tony, bent down to the kid, and did something with his hand. Tony couldn't see it and got very anxious. If Barnes hurts a kid in public, especially a rich kid, he's done.

Fuck, should Tony get involved? 

Then the girl's mom, who looked like she married up, sorry, ma'am, called her. She went back to her seat, became the well-behaved, expressionless doll as before.

Hmm. Kind of disappointing. Did Tony want to see Barnes play nice with the girl?

But she then met eyes with Barnes and made a naughty face for a second. Barnes winked and smiled at her. It was very quick, blink, and you miss it, but Tony didn't blink.

Suddenly Tony saw the crystals that were bothering her were gone. He saw something in Barnes's napkin sparkling, reflecting the light.

They started doing something unbelievably cute that Tony had to bite the inside of his mouth. It was subtle. Barnes would touch the side of the plate with his finger, the girl would imitate him. Then the girl poked her dish with a fork, Barnes mirrored that. They were playing their game, thinking no one would notice.

Tony saw Barnes's expression softening, and a warm smile coming to light, and thought, oh, this is just not fair. This was a text-book heart jump moment.

The girl felt Tony's glare and suddenly looked at Tony's way, Barnes followed her and their eyes met. Thank god, the guy next to him spoke to him that moment. Tony averted his gaze as naturally as he could pull it off. He couldn't be ogling Barnes in public. And get caught like an idiot.

Soon the girl's parents were ready to leave, and Tony walked quickly to catch them before they left. On the way, Tony brushed his hand on Barnes's shoulder, still walking at the same pace and stuck his palm out under the table, felt cold crystals dropping on him. It was one smooth move, they didn't have to even look at each other. Tony went to the parents, handed it to them, said he picked it up from the floor.

The girl looked back to Barnes, made that naughty face and stuck her tongue out once, and turned around, tried to catch up to her parent's fast footsteps.

Tony went back to his seat like nothing happened.

The slight touch of their hands brushing, when Barnes gave him the crystals, it was an intimate moment. They fucked. Tony spread him out on the table and sucked him off until Barnes sobbed. And that momentary contact felt so sincere and intimate.

Fuck.


	8. Chapter 8

Tony went back to his seat.

They carried on like nothing happened. People talking to him, sucking up to him left and right, tiny strange food that tasted like shit. Business as usual.

But Tony felt a lump in his throat at the thought of Barnes and the girl playing their silent game.

Tony didn't know what to do with it. This wasn't what Tony planned to do.

Because Tony was an asshole who couldn't handle his emotion like a normal functioning person and he got a little drunk, he got angry.

How the fuck could Barnes be that kind and loving? How dare he try to change his personality and live a normal life?

After all the things he had done over the decades. He wasn't excused for his many sins at all. And he was trying to get back into society like nothing happened?

No, that wasn't right.

Tony gave Barnes a sign to follow him. Then he found an empty storage room. Barnes shut the door, curious and confused.

Tony pushed Barnes's face to the wall, slid his knee between Barnes's legs, spread it just short of his shoulder-width. With one hand, Tony unbuckled Barnes's belt, pushed his pants down, only revealing his ass, and with the other pushed Barnes's face hard on the wall, his grip on Barnes's hair tight. Tony slid his hand on Barnes's hair to the back of his neck, held him down as if he was a wild animal, sending a message that Barnes was entirely out of control. Tony had it.

Barnes understood fast, stayed in place. Tony ground his clothed hard-on on Barnes's ass, knowing his belt buckle and rough clothe would be cold and unexpected on his bare skin. Barnes shivered and wiggled his hips toward Tony, and that was not what he wanted.

Tony grabbed Barnes's hands together, held it on his back, grunted into Barnes's ears. "Don't fucking move." Tony spat loudly on his palm and shoved his barely wet two fingers at once. Barnes didn't expect it, he jumped and groaned, struggled to stay still.

Tony pulled his fingers out, spat on Barnes's hole directly, watched his spit slide down, then shoved his fingers again. Barnes breathed out sharply, tried to spread his legs to get some room, but his pants were on his upper thighs, holding him in place, closing his cheeks.

"Tony, wait. Let me just move to..." Barnes said helplessly, but Tony twisted his finger sharp, making Barnes's leg shake.

Tony scissored his fingers quickly, to stretch it enough to shove himself in. It was the harshest thrust he gave to Barnes, not even when they were playing rough, it didn't get this extreme. Barnes groaned uncomfortably but bent forward to open himself to Tony as his pants allowed. Tony twisted and scissored and shoved, now with three fingers, biting Barnes's earlobes.

When Tony felt Barnes was ready, not entirely but enough to handle his cock without tearing, Tony pulled his cock out, stroked a couple of times, watching Barnes's back trembling. His hands were on the red concrete wall, forehead against the wall, hair messy at Tony's persistent pull, wearing a full black tux with only his white ass out, the contrast of red and black and white, waiting for Tony to fuck him.

Tony took a step and pushed in without any warning. There was some resistance, but Tony slammed in with force. 

"Tony, wait, I'm, not," Barnes whispered, his voice hitching.

"Please, just give me a second," Barnes pleaded, but Tony buried himself to the hilt, feeling Barnes's bottom trembling against his thighs.

"Don't fucking make a sound," Tony snapped. Barnes shut up and clenched his teeth, but he couldn't stop his pitiful moans. Tony ignored Barnes's begging sounds, buried his face in Barnes's neck, and slapped in and out roughly like he was possessed.

Barnes struggled to breathe as Tony slammed in hard, then harder, his pace brutal, Tony's hand on his back pushing him flat on the wall. Barnes tried to squirm his hips, trying to get a little bit comfortable, but Tony gripped his hips with both hands, pressing the cheeks, didn't let him spread even a bit.

Tony saw Barnes gripping the rough wall. He didn't have anything to grab to anchor himself in place, so he chose to scrape his flesh fingers on the wall. But never the metal arm, it was holding on to his own thighs tight. Tony vaguely thought, slamming in and out, that was going to bruise.

Barnes was too tight and dry, but Tony powered through. Barnes would eventually open up if he kept fucking him.

What made Tony stop was Barnes's hesitant hand on his hips. He reached around to grip Tony's hips and dragged into himself, the hard thrust making him yelp, every inch in.

Tony pulled out instantly and put his forehead on Barnes's shoulder, looking down at his cock and Barnes's ass.

What the fuck is wrong with him? Tony thought, breathing hard, Why is he helping? He could hear Barnes catching his breath. Tony touched the back of his neck and felt Barnes flinch.

Tony turned Barnes around. Barnes looked at him straight, the edge of his eyes wet, his left cheek which met the rough wall, red, scraped.

Tony pulled him into a violent, hungry kiss, and Barnes hesitated for only a second, gave him back as good as he got, using his teeth and tongue. Tony slid his hand on Barnes's half-hard cock, and Barnes threw his head back, thrust up with his mouth open.

Tony smashed his mouth again, picked Barnes up, not breaking the kiss. Barnes's legs wrapped around Tony's waist right away. Tony took a quick look, found a table, and put him down there. Barnes frantically got his pants off and spread his legs wide, wrapped it around Tony's hips to pull him in.

It was still a bit tight, but Barnes opened his legs, hugged Tony tight to push him in more. Barnes moaned loudly when Tony got in until the end, and Tony swallowed Barnes's mouth, lowering his position. 

Tony raised Barnes's hips up so he could push in much deeper. Whining, Barnes tightened around him, but kept pulling him in, gasped into Tony's mouth. Tony felt Barnes was fully hard now rubbing on his stomach. So, he pushed Barnes's arms up, held his hands together, and fucked him hard. 

Barnes anchored himself by grabbing the edge of the table and moved his ass in a filthy, circular motion, grinding on him with his ass raised. And Barnes's face, overwhelmed by pleasure, lost, in Tony's control. Tony could watch him all day.

"Close? You want to?" Tony asked panting. Barnes nodded, and Tony concentrated his angle on Barnes's spot, accurately hammered into him, then he covered Barnes's mouth with his palm.

Barnes came, without a hand on his cock, grinding against Tony's stomach. His eyes rolled back, and his thighs and his inside shuddered against Tony's. He couldn't stop himself from screaming out, but Tony's hand on him toned it down.

"Can you come again?" Tony asked, panting, spat on his palm, and slicked his own hard, sensitive cock, trembling at the sensation.

"I don't think so," Barnes said, his eyes closed, and before Barnes caught a breath, Tony put Barnes legs on his shoulder, bending him in half and slammed in again.

Barnes begged and begged, please stop, please more, please, please, Tony, please, like a prayer. Tony knew Barnes's body well. He angled to aim at Barnes's soft spot and pounded in again and again like a machine until he couldn't stand straight, and his heart was about to burst.

Tony thought everyone at the party is going to know they are fucking. The desk creaked loudly like it could break anytime, Barnes wasn't able to hold his sounds, Tony gave up on shushing Barnes and himself, and the wet, filthy sound of Tony's flesh slapping Barnes's filled the room. But Tony didn't give a fuck.

Barnes's inside started to squeeze rhythmically. 

"You're so close. Come," Tony stated, out of breath.

"Oh god, uh, please," Barnes was too far gone. He threw his head back, revealing his neck.

"Come. Do it for me. Come, now," Tony ordered, biting the inside of his mouth to stop from crying out.

Barnes met his eyes, his face flushed, challenged him, "Make me."

Tony bit Barnes's neck and lips once and went back to slamming in. His thrusts got erratic chasing Barnes's pleasure, and lastly, he spilled himself in Barnes. Tony kept thrusting on instinct, although Barnes's pressure overwhelmed him.

Tony moved his hips forward and reached for Barnes's cock, thinking his legs are going to give out and just caught Barnes coming again, this time violently shuddering. Tony didn't have his hand on his mouth, so Barnes clenched his teeth, muffled moan escaped. Barnes's back curved hard, and he ended up breaking the table. Tony held him through it although he couldn't keep his own breathing even.

Tony collapsed on him, Barnes's come spread on his stomach. Tony gave him a sloppy, filthy kiss and raised himself up. Then Tony saw what he did. 

Barnes was utterly ravished. His shirt's buttons were half ripped off, his pants and brief crinkled on the floor, come drying on his chest and stomach, his lips, well, it looked like someone chewed it off, which Barnes and Tony both did, side of his hips was red, which was turning to blue bruise in front of his eyes.

Tony stepped back sobering up, fuck, what did he just do?

But Barnes clung on to him, pulled him in again.

Barnes murmured, "I liked it," and put his head on Tony's shoulder lightly as if to make Tony's guilt go away. Tony leaned down, planted a kiss on Barnes's cheek, put his arm around him, hugged him tightly.

\--

Tony called the limo out and sent Barnes out through the back door. When Barnes stepped out to the dark, Tony couldn't help but drag his wrist, push him to the wall, this time gently, and put his mouth on him. Barnes had a bit of a beard burn, scratches around his swollen, burned lips. Tony planted kisses on him softly, apologizing for his harshness.

Anyone could see them. Take a picture. Sell it to shitty gossip magazines. But it didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

Even though Barnes and Tony took turns wincing and moaning when they touched each other's tender part, Tony kept going in, and in, spreading Barnes's legs to get in between. Pushed Barnes's knee up to wrap his leg around him.

After some time passed, when Tony completely forgot everything, thinking this is the norm now, having Barnes's mouth on him. This is what normal is,

Barnes finally murmured against Tony's lips,

"We can't do it again," Barnes tried to back off a little, and Tony caught him.

"Why?" Tony pushed his finger in Barnes's hair and gave light licks on Barnes's lips with the tip of his tongue.

"We're outside," Barnes protested, though he came willingly.

"So?" Tony hummed, pleased when Barnes parted his lips ever so slightly so Tony could slide his tongue in.

"Are you trying to kill me with sex?" Barnes gently pushed Tony back and leaned against the wall, looking at Tony with tired eyes.

"What if I am? You're going to say no?" Tony tilted his head slightly, trying another angle to dive in. Barnes gave a peck on the side of Tony's mouth and moved away.

"Tony, go back in. People are waiting for you."

"Fuck them," Tony said, as he slipped his hand in Barnes's jacket, stoking his warm body over the thin fabric.

Tony took the limo, left the party with him. Barnes fell asleep during the car ride home, leaning on the window. Of course, he was tired, Tony fucked him till he got limp. Tony was drained too, his whole body ached.

When the limo arrived at the Tower, Tony woke him up lightly, just his hand on Barnes's cheek, patted a couple times.

"Go get some rest," Tony said.

Barnes put his hand on the car door, then turned around, pulling Tony on top of him, kissed him again with his hands in Tony's hair, and the back of his neck.

Yes, Tony got hard, again, ridiculous what Barnes does to him, and dry-humped him like a teenager.

Barnes put his hand on Tony's cheek and said,

"I really liked it. I want to do it again," looking at Tony, his lips wet.

"Ok," Tony said, grinding on Barnes's cock. "We could do that."

"Not now," Barnes grinned, "Later. Natasha's going to kill you."

"Ok," Tony said, leaning down to kiss him.

They ended up kissing and dry-humping for a good ten minutes more, but both of them were drained, didn't finish.

Tony waited for Barnes' hard-on to settle down and let him go.

The car started, and Tony was left with Barnes's scent all over him. He touched his lips, all swollen and chapped, licked his lower lip like Barnes did to him.

"I'm sorry," is what Tony should've said to Barnes, but didn't.

Tony went back to the party where Romanov was surrounded by men who wanted to sleep with her, furious.

\--

Tony paced around his workshop that night.

He couldn't stop thinking how Barnes looked at him when he said he 'liked it' And how that simple three words made Tony's guilt go away for a moment and come back like a storm.

"I liked it." 

Tony didn't believe him. Maybe Barnes did like it. But telling him at that exact moment when Tony was hit with guilt storm, telling him again in the limo, when Tony saw him sleeping exhausted, and the guilt storm just smacked him. It felt like Barnes was trying to comfort him. Saying it was ok. That was a kind gesture from Barnes. Very generous. Very close.

No, Tony shook his head. This wasn't going to happen.

What shook Tony the most wasn't how violently he pushed Barnes or how willingly Barnes took it, which did upset him deeply.

It was that when Barnes got out of the limo, Tony wanted to follow him.


	9. Chapter 9

Tony was getting soft. It was a problem. Huge problem.

And when he spotted a problem, he fixed it.

Tony watched the tape of Barnes and his parents.

And the rage came back.

\--

Tony left all the files of missions Barnes did for Hydra on the screen. It was right in front of the door, so Barnes couldn't avoid it.

Barnes came at the exact time they were supposed to meet. He came in, his face lighter than usual, then faced the screen. It didn't take much time for him to recognize it.

Barnes looked like he was punched in the guts, and that was exactly what Tony wanted. Barnes passed the screen, walked stiffly to his check-up chair, and sat down with his back straightened, upright, motionless, like a statue.

Barnes sat for exactly thirty minutes, no movement, breathing shallow. 

Tony saw Barnes sometimes getting very still. It was almost commendable, being able to stay still like that. Like he was dead.

Tony later learned, that was Barnes shutting down. Becoming an object that could hide in the shadows, It was what he did as the Winter Soldier. He got rid of most of the Soldier, but this tactic stuck.

Tony was watching the Security Camera feed in the workshop bedroom. He guessed Barnes knew it.

After thirty minutes, Barnes looked at the nearest Security Camera and nodded. It was a tiny one, other people wouldn't notice it, but Tony was familiar with Barnes enough.

There was a couch in front of the screen, but Barnes stood still and read the files, watched the footage. Barnes was on the 15th one when Rogers came by.

Tony fucking forgot that Rogers asked to see him.

Rogers saw Barnes and watched the footage for a few minutes. When Rogers found out it wasn't just a clip, it was the Winter Soldier doing hit missions, he was furious. 

Tony never saw Rogers that out of control. He ripped off the screen and smashed the projector. Rogers dragged Barnes, who insisted on staying out of the workshop. Rogers couldn't take him out by force, so he punched Barnes in the face, knocked him out, carried him on his back. That was how desperate Rogers was.

Rogers put Barnes in his room, locked the door from outside, came back to the workshop, screamed at Tony for an hour. Tony said it was a mistake, but who would believe that?

Then Barnes, with a significant bruise on his eyes and cheeks, came back to take Rogers. Barnes calmly whispered something to Rogers.

Rogers was furious at Barnes, for some reason. Rogers shook Barnes's hand off roughly and walked out.

After Rogers walked out on him, Barnes didn't look at Tony directly, he just nodded at Tony's direction and followed Rogers, before stopping briefly at the door before he left.

Tony heard Rogers yelling something at Barnes outside.

Would Barnes think Rogers was one of his plans? Making Rogers see how he killed? Tony worried then remembered he did way worse. Why was he concerned about that little thing?

Then Tony really realized he had done huge damage.

\--

Barnes avoided Tony for the rest of the week.

Tony learned that because Rogers charged in and yelled at him. Tony put Rogers's info in the security detail, so he could come and go whenever he wanted. Tony owed Rogers that much. He had to see his best friend putting a bullet in a probably innocent person.

"I thought you were ok with him," Rogers said, tired.

"I am."

Rogers looked up, frowning.

"How is he?" Tony mumbled.

"He's not coming out of his room," Rogers said through clenched teeth. Tony shortly worried Rogers might crush his teeth.

"He's not sleeping. Food is out of the question. He lost about fifteen pounds in three days," Rogers whispered, his face buried on his head.

"Make him eat," Tony said and had to face Rogers's angry stare.

"After all the progress he made, he crawled back into himself again. What are you going to do, Stark?"

\--

One time they crossed paths because Tony was actively running around looking for him.

Barnes was lost deep in his thoughts, looking out on the city. Tony found him but didn't know what to do. Say he's sorry? After what he did?

Barnes was caught off guard. Agitated, suddenly, color on his face gone, and Tony was afraid Barnes will faint on him. Or punch him.

Barnes looked like shit, worse condition than Tony imagined. He was wearing a big shirt, probably because of his weight loss, his hair was a mess, and above all, he had that hollow look back, which Tony thought he got rid of.

But Barnes immediately collected himself, turned his look into something somewhat normal, left before Tony said anything.

\--

Tony expected Barnes not to show up to the next check-up. But Barnes came, got his check-up, stripped, and sucked Tony off. 

Tony first attempted to push him off. He and Barnes had to talk, not fuck. But Barnes was persistent, and if he wanted to do something, he got it. Barnes took Tony's cock in his mouth at once and sucked him vigorously.

But it was too harsh. Tony's cock is too big for Barnes to take all the way. But Barnes just open his mouth and pushed in, to the point he was gagging, and spit was drooling down his chin.

Barnes wanted it rough.

Tony saw Barnes struggling to get him off. Barnes grabbed Tony's hips and pushed him in, but without Tony's help, he couldn't make it work, while tears and spit drooled down.

Then Barnes looked up through his lashes, red lips full in the perfect shape of O. Tony could see it in Barnes's eyes. Fucking unbelievably stubborn, saying he would not let go until Tony comes.

And Tony gave up. He pushed his hands on Barnes's head and fucked his mouth. Tony tried to come as fast as humanly possible, and it wasn't hard with Barnes whining around his cock, looking up with those eyes. The last few thrusts were a bit fast and rough, Tony barely warned him before he came. Tony was going to spill himself outside, but Barnes gripped his hips with both hands and let Tony's come hit his throat.

Tony's orgasm was a sharp and long one. He looked up at the ceiling, waiting for it to pass, his legs trembling. He felt a soft, warm feeling on his cock. Barnes was sucking him through, Tony's cock softening in his mouth. While Tony was coming down from the bliss, Barnes licked the last drop clean.

Tony's hand was still in Barnes's hair, Barnes pushed him away and wiped his face, started to put his clothes back on. Barnes's cock was half-hard, but he pressed it down.

Tony couldn't let Barnes leave.

Tony put his hand on Barnes's shoulder, turned him around to face him. Barnes avoided eye-contact, looked straight down.

"Barnes, Look at me," Tony said, his tone soft and pleading. He was scared Barnes would shut down on him again.

"About last week, I..." Tony started.

"You didn't have to do that," Barnes cut him off bluntly.

"I told you I remember everything," Barnes whispered.

Fuck.

"So. You don't have to remind me of what I did. Because I know."

Barnes looked at him straight. Hurt, betrayed, tired. The last bit, the unbelievable tiredness hit Tony hard.

"You can leave if you want," Tony said, touching Barnes's wrist.

Barnes didn't, so Tony took him to the bedroom, lay him down on the bed and jerked him off slowly while watching his face. Tony's plan was to tire him out completely. He put more than enough lube on Barnes's cock and went slow and sped up as he thought necessary. Barnes panted and whined but didn't thrust up, didn't moved his pelvis at all, gave himself up entirely to Tony. Barnes grabbed the sheet and the headboard when it got too much, but never Tony.

Barnes's statement was clear. He would be here, but he wouldn't take part in it.

"Are you close?" Tony asked, twisting his wrist. Barnes didn't answer and put his arm over his eyes. Tony tried to get his arm off, but Barnes firmly didn't move it.

So, to get his reaction, Tony grabbed a cock ring and put it on Barnes, sat on his lap, and did it all over again. Tony was going to draw out Barnes's reaction if it kills him. And get that god damn arm off Barnes's eyes. 

"Now, are you close?" Barnes nodded quickly. "Verbal answer," Tony insisted. "I'm close," Barnes whispered, panting. Tony twisted his wrist, squeezing on the top, his heart racing. After the last few hard strokes, Tony took his hands off.

"Come," Tony said, his tone almost an order.

"I can't," Barnes sobbed.

"Push it out, or I'm going to start all over again," Tony said, licking Barnes's nipple with the flat of the tongue.

"Please," Barnes begged.

"You can do it," Tony whispered, pinching his hard nipples.

Tony wanted to kiss him, but Barnes didn't open his mouth, so he brushed one finger on Barnes's cock. When Barnes sucked in a short breath, Tony took it as a chance and slipped his tongue in. Barnes reluctantly kissed him back then when Tony swallowed his mouth, whined, and rubbed his cock on Tony's stomach.

Their kiss got heated fast, and soon enough, Barnes was moaning into Tony's mouth and thrusting up to find Tony's hand. Tony put lube on his palm, rubbed Barnes's chest and stomach, not his cock.

When Tony spread lube on Barnes's inner thighs, Barnes broke Tony's bed frame and spilled himself, stretching, tensing his whole body. Then his body just turned off, limp, and Tony could push the god damn arm away to look at his eyes.

"One more," Tony said.

Tony stroked Barnes's sensitive cock until he was actively begging and undid the cock ring. Tony watched Barnes come again, his mouth opened, no sound coming out.

"You ok?" Tony asked.

Barnes nodded and pulled Tony in for a kiss.

Tony took care of him. Gave him water, wiped the traces off, and after throwing the wet towel away, Tony got naked and climbed on to him. Skin to skin.

Tony stroked Barnes's body to find where his muscles are tense and rubbed with his palm, warming up with pressure. Barnes just melted under his hand, moaning satisfied.

It was an apology. Tony wished Barnes would get that.

Barnes dozed off for a while, then woke up, left.

And things went back to normal. Whatever normal was.


	10. Chapter 10

Tony's working on Barnes's metal arm when Barnes flinches.

"What? Did it hurt?" Tony pulls his tool back immediately and asks.

"No, it's ok, it didn't hurt," Barnes answers, but his voice is weak.

Tony stares, and Barnes continues, this time more clearly.

"I was... thinking about something else. I'm fine." 

It's been more than two weeks since they've had their last appointment. Barnes had to go on a mission with the team.

Before the team left, Barnes came to check his metal arm, and then they had a quick fuck. Tony had a meeting waiting for him after that, and Barnes had to prepare for the mission. Barnes was distracted and tense the whole time. Tony asked if he wants to stop, but Barnes shook his head and held on to him a little tighter than usual. 

Tony knew Barnes didn't want to go, but he couldn't fake the metal arm not functioning again. So, he just let Barnes leave. What else was he going to do? Stop him from going? Perhaps if Barnes asked, Tony might have done something, but he didn't. Barnes never asks.

While Barnes was gone, Tony checked on the mission a couple of times. Tony casually asked Romanoff and Rogers, and they told him the mission was going smooth as planned. Tony didn't ask, but Romanoff added that Barnes was doing fine. But Tony could see through Romanoff's lies. Information regarding the mission was highly secured, but there's very little Tony can't access if he puts his mind into it. Tony was tempted to hack the security cameras, but he didn't.

Tony takes his time checking the arm. It's clean, just like Tony left it at his last checkup. Not damaged at all. It's as if Barnes didn't use it. And Tony thinks he's right.

Tony read the reports. There was an unexpected messy fight at Barnes' end. Barnes couldn't handle it by himself, so Barton and Rogers went as a backup. It was a hand to hand combat with a few hostiles. The hostiles were armed but not too heavily. Not exactly a cakewalk but still solvable by one super-soldier with a killing metal arm.

Barnes limped on his way in and has a cast on his human arm. Bruises and scars on his face are fading but visible.

"You can go now."

Tony says, putting his tool on the worktable. Barnes sits there on the chair, looking up at Tony, confused. Fucking after checkup is their routine. Tony holds the urge to touch Barnes and turns around to straighten out the tools.

"You look tired. You should get some sleep."

"I'm fine," Barnes mumbles.

"You're not," Tony flatly dismisses him, but Barnes argues,

"I am."

Tony closes his eyes and shouts.

"Fucking stop saying you're fine."

Barnes tenses up right away. Tony hates it when Barnes looks like that.

"Take your shirt off," Tony sighs and orders.

Barnes looks relieved and does as he's told. Tony takes a closer look at him. Of course, he thinks as he looks at the massive bruise on Barnes's ribs. Tony presses it with force, and Barnes squirms away, letting out a surprised groan.

"Yeah, you're in great shape," Tony says dryly. 

"Barnes. Go. Sleep it off."

"But…"

"Check-up's done."

Tony puts on the voice that never fails to work. An order. It takes less than a second for Barnes to comply. Barnes nods and puts his shirt back on. Tony's always a bit nervous at how fast Barnes gives up. How Barnes's expression change from Barnes Tony knows to something blank and stiff, which reminds him of the winter soldier.

Tony watches Barnes limp his way out. Barnes abruptly stops and tries to say something, which he ignores by turning his back. Tony catches the soft sound of the door closing and lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

\--

Barnes and his fucking metal arm. Tony changed some parts with his own, but it's still more hydra's than Tony's. He hates to admit it, but the arm is a well made, delicate, complicated thing. If somehow, he can go back time to meet the person who made it, Tony will beat the shit out of every him or her who's responsible for shoving it in Barnes, but he won't be able to stop himself from asking questions. The arm's that good. It's not going to be easy to replace in its entirety. In conclusion, Barnes has to wear it indefinitely. At least for now.

Plus, it's not Tony's place to ask. If Barnes doesn't want to use it, it's his business. And Tony doesn't really have to ask. He already knows why. He would too, if he was in Barnes's place. Barnes hates it so much he tried to cut it off at first. That's how their thing got started.

Though even without the metal arm, Barnes is still a super-soldier, a sniper with great aim and smart as a whip. If he avoids hand to hand combat, he can get by just fine. The problem is that you can't pick and choose on the mission.

There's something else troubling him. Barnes avoids using his metal arm while they're together. And it's kind of Tony’s fault.

At first, Barnes hid it well, so Tony didn't notice that Barnes's avoiding using the metal arm when they fuck. And when they started to fuck regularly and tried more stuff, Barnes had to use it, and Tony got used to it. It didn't feel that strange after adjusting to it. But then Barnes slipped. He lost control. Tony was fucking Barnes lying on his back. He pushed in hard, making Barnes gasp, and Barnes accidentally grabbed Tony's arm hard with his metal hand. Tony groaned and Barnes pulled back quickly. It left a sizable bruise on his arm.

And yes, Barnes panicked. Tony said it's not a big deal, but Barnes seemed like he didn't believe him.

After that night, Barnes grabs the sheets instead of hanging on to him.

\--

Tony is not in the mood for a company, but Romanoff brought a steaming pot with her. That's the only reason he let her in, Tony thinks.

He winces as he opens the lid. It looks like some soup.

"It smells weird," Tony complains.

"Shut up and eat up."

"Did you make it?" Tony stirs it with a spoon, frowning. 

"I didn't put poison in it. If I wanted to kill you..."

"You would've done it already. I know."

"Always very tempting. But Pepper told me to keep you alive till she comes back."

"You and Pepper talk now? Is there something I need to know?"

"Don't ask questions if you don't want to hear the answer," Romanoff winks and adds,

"You look like shit, by the way."

He couldn't sleep after Barnes left. So, he experimented with this and that, telling himself that it has nothing to do with Barnes.

"Oh, thank you very much for that shining complement. I'm so pleased."

Tony grumbles and takes a small bite. It's good. Romanoff smirks, and he can't take back his smile. Damn her.

Tony and Romanoff have been through some shit together. Tony doesn't want to admit it, but there are very few people he trusts, and Romanoff is one of them. Tony's pretty sure he's also on her list.

And Barnes trusts her. Barnes guards himself tightly against almost everything and seldom lets go, but he's soft with Romanoff. Barnes usually hides in his room, and Romanoff doesn't actively look for him, so they don't exactly hang out. But there are rare moments when they're together, and they seem open, maybe even intimate. Tony doesn't know what happened between them before and has no plan to ask. But something inside him twists a little when he finds them together. 

One time, Tony saw Barnes and Romanoff huddled close, talking in Russian. Ok, mostly her talking and Barnes silently listening. Just like what Barnes does with Tony. But Barnes laughed at something Romanoff said. Then Romanoff ruffled Barnes's hair. Barnes ducked his head to dodge but failed, and as he pushed her away, he laughed again.

That night Tony pulled Barnes in and kissed him till their lips went numb. He thought to himself again and again that it's not jealousy that grips him, but he fucked Barnes limp and didn't let him go for a long time.

Barnes looks like he wants their 'sessions,' but he startles and panics easily. Barnes tries to cover it, but Tony notices Barnes looking like he's always waiting for impact. Tony doesn't know how to deal with that.

"The mission went well, huh?" Tony says after swallowing.

"Yeah." 

"Was there any um, trouble?"

Tony tries to sound casual, but Romanoff crosses her arms and gives him a sharp look, so he seems like he failed.

"Why are you asking?"

"Not a big deal. I checked Barnes's arm yesterday and was wondering..."

Tony doesn't know what to say. No, he knows what he wants to say, but he doesn't know how to say it. 

"You should talk to him," Romanoff says softly.

"No. Why me? No, You do it," Tony grumbles.

He ends up eating all the soup. Romanoff leaves with an empty pot and a smug smile on her unfairly attractive face.

Tony swears quietly and orders to Friday,

"Friday, tell Sergeant Barnes to come and see me."

\--

Tony is thinking of what to say when Barnes arrives. Barnes is wearing an old t-shirt and sweatpants. Probably Rogers's. Barnes never buys something. It looks good on him, though. Tony thinks he should get someone to buy new clothes for Barnes when he sees Barnes gasping for breath and scanning the place.

"What are you doing?"

"Are you in danger?" Barnes whispers urgently.

"What?"

"Friday didn't tell me. I thought something happened."

"Fuck, I should've said... No. It's not that. Wait, did you run here?"

It's a long way from Barnes's room to the workshop. Tony's the one who put that much of a long-distance between them. Tony swears and heads to the kitchen, gets bottled water, and throws it to him. Barnes takes a long drag of the water.

"We have to talk," Tony says, trying not to stare at Barnes's wet lips.

Tony considers how to start, then decides to say it straight.

"You have to use your metal arm when you're out on missions."

Barnes seems startled. His eyes wander and accidentally lands at the door. He wants to leave, Tony thinks. Sometimes Barnes does such obvious things that Tony wonders how he survived as a spy. Maybe he's like that only when he's with... Tony quickly dismisses the thought because it's absurd. And irrelevant.

"Why?" Barnes finally says.

"Because you'll compromise the mission," Tony states.

"I don't want to," Barnes says softly.

"Then at least talk to Rogers. Rogers doesn't know, and he's going to put you on more serious cases."

Barnes bites his lip and shakes his head.

"No. Steve can't handle it."

Rogers's name pushes him off the edge. Barnes having a soft spot for Rogers, never fails to irritate him.

"That's it? You're going to risk your life because fucking Rogers can't handle the thought of his imaginary friend suffering?   
You either use your arm, or you'll mess up the mission. And at worst, you'll die. You think Rogers would rather have you dead?"

Barnes stares at him for a while and says clearly.

"Tony, this is not up for discussion." 

Stubborn shit. 

"And why do you care?" He asks, unsure. 

Fuck. That's a question Tony's not ready to answer.

"Ok, Look," Tony taps his finger on his arc reactor.

"Do you have a problem with this?"

"Of course not."

"This saved me. Yours saved your life. It's as simple as that."

"It's not the same."

"How the fuck is it different? If you didn't get the arm, you would've bled to death. And all these years..." 

Tony doesn't get to finish his sentence because Barnes walks up to the nearest table and uses his metal arm to break the big chunk of the corner. It split like it's nothing.

"Yours save lives. Mine takes away."

Barnes says and walks out on him for the first time.

\--

Barnes goes on a mission again a day before his next checkup day. Tony doubts that's a coincidence. Barnes is avoiding him.

Tony doesn't replace the broken table. He looks at the broken parts and remembers the cave. And his panic attacks. And the shit he went through to keep living. And how Barnes looked at him.

\--

Tony finds Barnes in the communal kitchen.

"You broke my table," Tony starts first.

Barnes tries to leave, but Tony corners him.

"Tony, please. Let's not do this," Barnes pleads, his eyes closed.

"You broke my table for fuck's sake," Tony repeats.

Barnes turns his back on him and grips the edge of the table. Tony gets close to brush the back of Barnes's neck and feels him shudder. The familiar scent of Barnes pushes him to bury his face on Barnes's neck.

"Tony, I..." Barnes tries, but Tony stops him.

"Just shut up and let me."

Tony spins Barnes to face him and tilts his head down for a kiss. Barnes keeps his mouth closed for a second that feels like an eternity but soon opens with a little sigh. Their kiss gains heat fast. It's been more than a couple weeks, and he wanted to do this at first sight of Barnes. Tony completely loses himself to Barnes. He feels desperate hands and tongue and skin and wetness and warmth of it. Tony senses Barnes getting hard against his thighs and slides his hand under Barnes's jeans.

"Here?" Barnes asks, panting.

"Friday, secure the place," Tony orders biting Barnes's neck.

When Friday gives them the all-clear sign, they undress each other frantically. Clothes fly off somewhere, and Tony thinks even if someone comes in, right this second, he wouldn't be able to take his hands off Barnes.

Tony knows what makes Barnes lose control. He strokes Barnes's cock slow and firm then rubs the slit so very gently that Barnes can't help but let out a helpless gasp. Tony bites back his smile and keeps teasing Barnes with his hand and tongue. Then he takes Barnes's flesh hand and guides it to hold on to his waist.

"You should touch me too," Tony murmurs against Barnes's lips.

Barnes gets desperate and hastily puts his metal hand on Tony's heavy bulge. Tony grinds his cock on the metal hand and moans at the unfamiliar sensation. Barnes notices and quickly pulls back but Tony doesn't let him, catches the metal hand, kisses the middle, then brushes his face on it, his eyes never leaving Barnes's. Barnes makes a sound that's close to a sob and grabs Tony's face with both of his hands for an urgent wet kiss.

He lifts Barnes to the table, not breaking the kiss. He's painfully hard and Barnes's hard cock brushing on his thighs is not helping. Tony's sex-deprived instinct is yelling at him, now, now, now, but he has to prep Barnes first.

"Fuck. Lube. I forgot," Tony almost screams from frustration.

"There's one in the wall," Barnes says, his voice hoarse.

"What?"

Barnes parts himself from him, which Tony really dislikes and walks to the shelves. Somehow there's a hole, magically revealed, dug inside the wall. Tony marks a few guns and something shiny, probably a knife, and cash. Barnes closes the hole and comes back to him with a small lube packet.

"What the fuck?" Tony sits up and asks.

Barnes hands him the lube packet and murmurs,

"You gave it to me before,"

Watching Barnes's blush on his face, Tony remembers. He gave Barnes a few small lube packets to tease him. It was something like 'In case you need it on the mission.'

"I didn't know what to do with it. I hid it here just in case," Barnes adds.

Tony doesn't know what to say. How many secret armors plus lube hiding place Barnes made in the Tower?

Suddenly a thought appears. How many fucks do they have left? Tony thought he was the one who decides, but now he's not sure. Something cold spreads in his stomach at the question.

Then he realizes he hasn't said anything for a while, and Barnes looks unsettled. That's not good. Tony ignores his concerns and taps Barnes's chest with the lube packet, smirking.

"Just in case of a spontaneous fuck in the kitchen?" Tony says as he pulls Barnes in, and Barnes comes obediently.

Tony lies Barnes flat on the table and climbs on top of him, and this time kisses him slowly. Barnes pants for more, but Tony goes slow. Tony opens the lube packet with his teeth and squeezes it on Barnes's metal hand. Barnes looks startled but doesn't stop him, his breathing getting shallow with anticipation. Tony holds Barnes's hand and guides it down, pushes one metal finger in his hole. Barnes gasps at the unfamiliar feeling. 

He licks Barnes's nipples and sucks and bites carefully down his bruised chest, stomach, and at last lands on his cock. With Tony's praise, Barnes pushes two more fingers in. Tony gives a lazy, long, teasing lick on Barnes's cock and cups Barnes's hand with his own, controls the pace of pushes and pulls. When Barnes throws his head back roughly and bites his flesh arm to stop his moan from escaping, Tony knows Barnes hit his prostate. Tony replaces Barnes's arm with his lips, kissing him deeply and thoroughly, helping Barnes fuck himself with precision.

"I'm close," Barnes whispers.

"No, you're not," Tony teases, slowing the pace down. Barnes whines frustrated, and Tony grins.

"You're going to wait."

Barnes squeezes his eyes shut then nods, looking like an anxious yet eager student waiting for a test. Tony wants to make it last, but he's not sure if he can wait anymore, so he moves quickly. Tony rolls Barnes's limp body and helps him stand up. Barnes's knees almost give out for a second, and Tony's never seen Barnes lost like this. Tony likes it very very much. After planting a soft kiss on Barnes's shoulder, Tony pushes him on the table face down to fuck him from behind. 

Then he sees Barnes's back. 

"Fuck," Tony murmurs.

Barnes's back has enough of fresh bruises and cuts that make him wince. But before Tony can do anything, Barnes reaches back and grabs Tony's hips, tugging him towards him. Tony thinks he should stop, at least try to talk about it but Barnes wants to move on, so he decides to follow through. He touches Barnes's back once and pushes his cock in, to the hilt at once, pulling a beautiful moan from Barnes.

Tony finds out that they can see their reflection on the dark window. That's a pleasant surprise, he thinks. After giving Barnes a few seconds to adjust, Tony says,

"What are you waiting for?"

The reflection on the window isn't clear, but he can see color rising on Barnes's cheeks. Tony grabs Barnes's hair and lifts him up just so Barnes can see the reflection.

"You know what to do," Tony says, his voice low and hoarse.

Barnes lets out a helpless whine, pleads, but he stands still, waiting.

Barnes finally gives up and pushes back to fuck himself on Tony's cock once, which makes both of them groan out loud. Then he gradually moves faster and harder. Watching Barnes shamelessly grinding his hips to pull Tony in deeper, Tony thinks he's never been this hard in his life.

"Please," Barnes whines.

"One more time."

"Tony, please, I want…" 

Tony cuts him off by thrusting deep into Barnes, and it shuts him up right away. Tony's instinct kicks in, and he can no longer tease anymore. He thrusts in and out roughly, with enough force to push the table forward. Tony seeks out to find Barnes's prostate and aims at it every thrust. He's sure his hit rate is pretty high, considering how hard Barnes hangs on to the table. Worried that Barnes might break his flesh hand or the table with the metal one, Tony wraps Barnes's flesh hand with his.

Tony reaches around to stroke Barnes's hard, leaking cock, then changes his mind. Instead, Tony grabs the metal hand and pulls it down and guide Barnes to pump his cock. Tony paces his thrusts to match the stroke and feels Barnes shaking for release. Barnes is so ready, and Tony can't get enough of Barnes writhing with pleasure.

"Now," Tony orders and Barnes comes biting Tony's arm hard. The sharp pain of the bite and Barnes's inside tightening as he comes pushes Tony off the edge. Tony comes gritting his teeth, to stop the words he's not ready to say.

They lie on the table close together until the sun comes up, Tony stroking Barnes's damp hair and Barnes's metal hand on Tony's chest, right beside his arc reactor.

"Do whatever you want. But I like you alive, and I'd like to keep it that way," Tony says quietly.

Barnes turns towards him and looks carefully as if he is trying to figure him out. Tony laughs at the thought because, to him, Barnes is the puzzle. Tony wants to ask what he's seeing.

But Friday alerts them that Rogers is going on his morning run, so he doesn't get the chance.

\--

Next time Barnes goes on the mission, he comes back with his metal arm broken. Tony fixes it thoroughly and quickly and takes Barnes to bed, fucks him holding Barnes's metal hand which he can choose to fix or break.


	11. Chapter 11

The first time Tony licked Barnes down there was, let's just say it was an interesting evening. Very entertaining.

Tony was giving Barnes a blowjob, thinking this should be a quick one, since he had plans after that. A dinner thing with someone who Tony had no idea why he had to meet. Pepper set it up, and she would be there doing all the talking, and Tony would break a few jokes, charm them and head out, saying some bullshit excuse about whatever that comes to mind. Not the most pleasant way to spend an evening, but Tony generally did what Pepper asked without complaint. That was what their relationship turned into after the breakup.

To save the time, Tony was going to get Barnes off first, and then he would go. Tony didn't want to admit it, but he liked watching Barnes. When they had to do a quick fuck, Tony was kind of halfway done already watching him. So, that was the better, more efficient order, he learned.

Tony was sucking Barnes down on his knees, which wasn't comfortable in the least. Still, he was enjoying the heaviness filling his mouth and Barnes's muscles moving delicately against his hands when an idea popped up. 

"Can I go down there?" Tony asked him, one hand stroking Barnes's cock.

"Hmm?" Barnes made an inaudible noise, his gaze blurry. Tony reached around and felt Barnes's hole with his index finger. At the unexpected touch, Barnes jerked and abruptly looked down at him, noticing the sudden change of mood. Tony kept his finger there, tapped it twice, asked again. 

"You ok with me licking there?" Tony circled his finger around the hole, nipping on Barnes's inner thighs, making small marks. Barnes looked so lost that Tony felt dizzy at the excitement filling him. 

Oh, this was going to be an unforgettable day. 

"You ever have a tongue in there?"

"No, no. Never," Barnes's eyes grew wild, and he shook his head fast.

"You want my tongue there?" Tony pushed his finger in, just the tip, feeling the soft heat tightening around him. 

"Think about it." Tony licked Barne's shaft from base to the tip, slowly stood up, carrying out his checklist one after the other. Marked his thighs, running his hand on his chest, bit and licked around his nipples, and at last, landed on Barnes's neck. Tony moved as if he had all the time in the world, which he didn't, but he was growing to care less and less. When Tony got to his neck, Barnes eagerly tipped his head sideways to give him access.

"Did you think about it?" Tony planted short wet kisses on the side of Barnes's neck and whispered just behind his ear. "Do you want it?" and licked inside Barnes's mouth, deliberately using the tip of his tongue, saying, this is what you'll feel down there, and from Barnes's reaction, Tony knew the message was delivered loud and clear, 

Tony got a small nod from red-faced Barnes but pushed on. "You have to say it." Barnes closed his eyes, shivering as Tony's hand gently slipped down to his hole.

"Say it," Tony said, pushing his thumb in him. "I want," Barnes started. "Yes?" Barnes sighed shortly, looking at him with an expression of "Do I really have to?" which Tony replied, grinning, "I have to hear it from you." 

Tony's grin probably looked devilish to burning bright-faced Barnes, but he didn't care. "I want you to," Barnes closed his eyes tight. "Lick me. There," the last part was too quiet to Tony's likings but, Barnes was just learning to talk dirty, so Tony decided to give him a pass.

So the evening, which would make Tony smile when he remembered it far, far in the future, even after all the disasters happened between them, began.

Tony pushed Barnes to the bed, sprawled him on his back, and went to work. Not much time left, but Tony knew well how responsive Barnes was. Tony took his time spreading him out, lazily teased him, not directly going for the target, just licking and kissing near, his inner thighs to his hole. And precisely two licks there and Barnes came.

Ok, that was interesting. Tony went further, spread his cheeks, dug in, and in less than thirty seconds, with Tony's mistake of rubbing Barnes's perineum with his thumb, Barnes came again, this time his orgasm more intense.

"You have something after this?" Tony asked as soon as Barnes put himself back together.

"You said you have to go right after. So I made an appointment with Steve's therapist." Barnes still called his therapist, 'Steve's therapist,' which annoyed Rogers, which consequently made Tony happy.

"Why?" Barnes asked with a heated, nervous expression.

"Cancel it," Tony said, throwing Barnes's phone to him.

They both got on the phone and canceled their things, all while not breaking eye-contact. Tony ignored Pepper swearing at him with no regrets, threw his phone somewhere, and jumped at Barnes, who wasn't done talking to Rogers. Having no intention to wait or patience for whatever bullshit Rogers needed to let Barnes go, Tony swallowed Barnes at once, making him yelp. Tony heard the concerned voice of Rogers through the phone and had the strong impulse just to yell, Barnes has to go, because I'm going to make your best friend come until his brain doesn't work. But Tony wasn't that savage, just savage enough to suck Barnes off before he got to hang up.

"I'm, uh, fine. I have a fever, it's." Barnes tried to get away, but Tony held Barnes's hips. "Not, ahh, big deal." Tony raised Barnes's hips, spread the cheeks, and pushed his tongue in at once. Barnes dropped his phone on the ground, and his attempt to pick it up, by crawling on all fours, resulted in giving Tony more access.

"I'm good. I'll, ahh, see... hmm, you, yeah. Don't worry. I'm not avoiding your therapist. I'm not feeling well. I said, don't worry." 

Tony felt his boner leaving, listening to those two arguing, so he hung up the phone for him. Then he threw the phone somewhere far.

"Steve's going to make me do two next week," Barnes complained, but Tony kissed him, shutting him up right away.

The formerly quick post-check up fuck became a whole evening thing. Barnes's first two orgasms were fun to watch, but Tony's aim wasn't to tire Barnes out. He wanted Barnes to really feel it and learn to enjoy it.

Tony started experimenting to find what worked best—lying on his stomach or his back. Whole tongue or only the tip. Long licks or short taps. Blowing cold or warm. With a finger in or just his tongue. Tony carried out his experiment, but couldn't quite make up his mind because judging by the sounds Barnes made, going back and forth from "Please stop," to "Please more," all of those things seemed to be working well. 

By the time Tony got his cock in him, he thought maybe he could make Barnes cry in bed. Enticing thought.

The sun set completely while they were lost in each other, now the room was dark. The dim city light streamed in the room, showing Barnes, naked, spread out on the crumpled sheet, pulling him in. Barnes came three times, three times with Tony's tongue, and yet he was hard again.

"Look at you," Tony murmured.

"Look at how much you want this," Tony pushed in smoothly to the hilt, tearing a low moan from both of them. Tony began to thrust in shallow, giving Barnes some time to adjust.

"Too much," Barnes moaned, throwing his head back, revealing his pulsing neck. Tony had no choice but to stoop down to kiss him, taking Barnes's moan. Their kiss was light and lazy despite Tony's desire to drive into Barnes. He could wait. He could give Barnes time. Tony felt Barnes sliding his hand in his hair, caressing his scalp, then onto Tony's cheek. It was such a gentle, fond touch that Tony didn't know how to respond. 

Then he remembered, yes, they were fucking. Tony slammed his hips forward. Tony lost Barnes's hand on his cheek but then got that same hand hanging on his neck, so not a bad transition.

"Come," Tony groaned as he slammed in, aiming at Barnes's soft spot.

"I can't," Barnes whined, taking his hand off of Tony to grab the sheets, which Tony very much disliked and swept back up to hold him. Tony felt Barnes's blunt fingernails digging into his arm and started to fuck him earnestly.

"Yeah, you can," Tony whispered. His voice broke, watching Barnes arching up to meet him, his cock hanging heavily. Tony brushed the soft spot that made Barnes whine pitifully. 

"You're so close, aren't you. I can feel you. You want it so much,"   
Tony was on the verge of coming, but he bit his lip down hard to control himself. After Barnes comes, after.

"Please, I can't," Finally, tears rolled down Barnes's cheek, wet the pillowcase. Tony would be worried, but Barnes's cock was showing his interest hard, and he was hanging on to Tony like his life were depending on it.

"Touch yourself," Barnes's hand went right down to his cock without hesitation. He whimpered when he felt his cock, making a face. After all, he came three times, it would have to be sensitive, but Barnes stroked it, as ordered, matching the pace with Tony's thrust.

"I want to see you come. Come for me, baby," Tony pleaded, breathlessly as he slammed in. 

Barnes showed him a startled, confused look, and then Tony realized what came out of his mouth. Fuck, he never called Barnes by anything other than his name before. He called him, hey, you, but that was it. And the first one couldn't be 'baby.' But Barnes had a soft expression on that made Tony push it.

"Come for me," Tony said again. Barnes came in short spurts followed by Tony less than a half a dozen thrusts.

Later, after Barnes left, after Tony showered and ate and worked, he was brushing his teeth when he thought of that moment again. Calling him 'baby.' It was such an innocent word in bed for Tony, but it was unexpected to both of them. 

Tony turned the light off and lay in bed, thinking, this was where he saw Barnes fall apart just a few hours ago. It oddly made his chest tighten.

Calling him 'baby' was just a reflex. Just to ease Barnes to finish. It was never going to happen again.

\--

What Tony didn't know then was that Barnes had a long list of pet names waiting for him.


	12. Chapter 12

"What the fuck is it this time, Friday."

Tony grumbled, half asleep.

"It'd better be a huge emergency, building on fire, alien attack, another war maybe, it's time for another one."

"It's Sergeant Barnes." Tony woke up immediately.

"What about him?"

"He is…" Friday sounded unsure.

That's a first, Tony thought. After a second, Friday continued in her usual calm voice.

"Sergeant Barnes is at the door."

"Is he hurt?"

Tony didn't like the sound of his voice, urgent and anxious.

No, he wasn't going to think about this. It's too late, and he was way too sleep-deprived.

"No, sir."

"What is he doing?"

"He's standing."

"Standing? What do you mean he's standing?" Tony sat up, ran his fingers through his hair.

"Give me the visual."

Security Camera feed came up, and Friday was right. Barnes was standing right in front of the door.

"How long?"

"53 minutes, sir."

Tony's first thought was that the camera broke. Because it looked like a still image, but then he saw Barnes breathing and shivering.

Shivering? Why?

"Why is he…?"

"Sergeant Barnes went running."

Tony looked out the window. It was raining. Rain in November, it must be freezing. And Barnes was only wearing a thin t-shirt and sweat pants. God damn him. It didn't matter how many times Tony told him to please wear something he sent. Every time. He got something shitty Rogers had and wore it. So two super soldiers in his building with a pretty big salary are sharing a closet. A shitty taste, old, old clothes.

"For three hours," Friday added.

OK, Supersoldier, all-day battle with the bad guys and still has the energy to go running. Good for you.

Then a thought came to his mind. Fifty-three minutes inside the building and Barnes was still cold? Why was Barnes shivering like a god damn chihuahua?

Tony decided that he would wait for five minutes and go back to bed. Five minutes passed, and nothing. OK, he would give him a little more. Ten. Still nothing. After twenty-two minutes and no movement from Barnes, Tony's patience ran out.

"Fuck it."

Tony swore and opened the door, and Barnes startled so violently Tony almost apologized. He snapped instead.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Barnes avoided looking at Tony's eyes directly and hesitated. Not unusual. But there was something different, Tony couldn't put his finger on it, but it was there.

"I thought…"

"What?"

"You weren't at the workshop," Barnes said.

"Yeah, I own this building. I have a place. How did you get up here? You don't have clearance."

"Um, I got in," Barnes cleared his throat.

"You mean, you sneaked in." Fucking spies everywhere.

Barnes shrugged. Rude. No explanation, no apologies. 

Barnes was trying to hide it, but he was shaking a little bit. Not to mention looking exhausted and hollow. And fatigue hit Tony like a storm.

"Barnes, I'm only human, I need sleep. It's been a long day. I suggest you do too."

Tony expected Barnes to leave. Barnes never argued. But he stood there, looking like he was trying to say something but couldn't or wouldn't.

After a few seconds, Tony snapped.

He wasn't Barnes' babysitter. He wasn't Rogers. He was Barnes' nothing.

"Sleep. Take another run in the cold. Go do whatever you want to do. I'm going back to bed."

Tony decided to shut the door and right before he moved Barnes said,

"I can't sleep."

"So? Go to Rogers. He'd love to tuck you in, read you a story, sing you a lullaby."

Barnes's blue eyes were intense, even in the shitty hallway low lighting. His face was paler than usual. Barnes's lips were red and swollen, he chewed it up good, and he was biting it now. A terrible and kind of predictable habit he has. And then he would wince when Tony kissed him. Tony wanted to put his finger to stop him but didn't.

Biting his lips and running in the cold. Barnes was pushing every button. Great job.

"I can't sleep," Barnes said again as he leaned a bit towards Tony.

Does he know what he's doing? Tony thought, surprised. 

There was always a line between them.

A set of rules, things they did and didn't. They never talked about it, but it was there.

"Barnes never asks for something first," was on top of that list.

"Barnes never comes without permission or an appointment," which worked on two levels, was a close second.

Barnes was breaking both at the same time.

Barnes looked down at his shoes like he couldn't handle the silence. His head bowed low, hair falling over his face, and Tony wanted to reach out and brush it off. Tony immediately pressed the impulse and said as cold and indifferent as possible.

"What then, you want a midnight fuck or something?"

Barnes looked like he was physically slapped.

"I'm sorry. I'll go."

Barnes apologized and quickly took a step, and it took everything Tony had not to shout, "Wait, I'm sorry! Come back!"

Tony caught Barnes' wrist instead and opened the door.

"Well? Are you coming?"

\--

Tony sat down on the edge of the bed. Barnes followed him and stood in the middle of the room. He was waiting for Tony to make a move. Tony knew that Barnes would stay standing there all night if Tony didn't say anything. Tony fought the urge to leave him there and go back to sleep.

Instead, Tony sighed and said,

"You want a shower? I know you went running."

Then added, "You don't have to."

"I would like a shower."

Finally, something, some reaction.

"OK. Go ahead."

Barnes went into the shower. After a few minutes, Tony heard the water running.

"Fuck," Tony swore and got clean towels, t-shirt, and pants that might fit Barnes. He's a big guy. Tony thought he should get some stuff that fits him, then shook his head. This was a one-time thing. Tony wasn't going to get fucking Barnes's size clothes waiting for him. 

He put the clothing in front of the bathroom, went to sit in his chair.

His whole body ached. It felt like someone just beat the shit out of him, which did happen, like five hours ago. Romanov got sick, so Tony had to fill in.

Tony was dozing off when Barnes came out of the bathroom wearing Tony's clothes, hair still wet. No steam was coming out of the shower, so Barnes had it cold. Of course.

When's the last time he ate? Tony thought. Maybe he should give him something. Were there any leftovers from last night? 

As Tony was trying to remember, Barnes walked toward him, stood in front of him.

Tony looked up at him and asked, "What?"

Because, for the life of him, he didn't know what Barnes was thinking right then. Then Barnes kneeled and put his flesh hand on Tony's knee. Before Tony could do anything, Barnes reached for Tony's cock, and he suddenly understood.

Barnes wanted to stay for whatever reason and thought he needed to blow him. And that was when Tony really exploded.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"I thought you wanted…."

"No! I don't want a fucking blowjob. You are a fucking… I..." Tony couldn't help but shout.

Tony took a look at Barnes, and he looked young and confused and small, which was ridiculous because Barnes was none of those things. He was supposedly much older and definitely not small. Confused, maybe. Blindly determined, always yes.

Tony just wanted to go back to sleep, but he knew, Tony hated that he knew, but he knew Barnes.

He wouldn't have come if it wasn't important. Something happened that made Barnes come to him.

What is it?

Tony wanted to shake him, shake him out of whatever was bothering him and tuck him to bed, read him a story, and hell, sing him a lullaby, and hold him tight until he falls asleep. Fuck. Tony was starting to sound like Rogers.

Stop acting like an idiot, He thought to himself. Don't do this. This is not the plan. This is not what he signed up for. But.

Tony breathed in and out five times, tried very hard not to yell.

"What do you want?"

"I want to suck you."

"No, you don't."

"I do."

"You look like you're two seconds before passing out. When's the last time you ate?"

"I won't."

"What?"

"I won't pass out."

Stubborn little shit.

"Fuck it then. I'm going to pass out. I can't handle your mind-blowing blowjob."

Barnes put his hand over Tony's cock and looked up. God. Barnes looked desperate.

"Barnes. Let's not do this right now. You can stay if you want. I don't know what's gotten into you, but clearly, you don't want to talk about it, and you don't want to go back to your room. The bed is big enough, and there's a couch if you want."

No answer from Barnes. He just brushed his hand over Tony's cock. Barnes didn't like owing people. In his mind, if he wanted to stay, he had to blow him.

Tony looked up at the ceiling, trying to ignore Barnes' hands shaking.

"I'm sorry. I'll leave."

"For fuck's sake. Stay. Until you stop freaking out."

Tony walked to his bed and lay down.

"Come on."

Barnes striped while walking towards the bed, and Tony made him put it all back. Barnes looked confused but obeyed and lay down beside Tony, fully clothed.

Tony could feel the cold coming from Barnes. Cold shower, wet hair.

"I think you're doing it on purpose. You know I hate it when you're cold," Tony grumbled.

"Go to the closet. There are more blankets. Get one, no, two, and put yourself under it."

"I'm not cold."

"I can feel it from here. Go get it now."

Barned mumbled some complaining words but did what he's told.

"Happy now?" Barnes murmured.

"Yeah, I'm thrilled. Go to sleep," Tony turned his back on him.

Now Tony was wide awake. Damn you, Barnes. He waited, but Barnes didn't fall asleep right away. He just breathed in and out softly. The sound relaxed Tony.

Tony was half asleep when Barnes whispered,

"I don't know who I am."

\--

The next day when Tony woke up, Barnes was gone. Tony found himself a bit disappointed and didn't like that feeling.

That was the first time they slept together without fucking. It was also not the last time.


	13. Chapter 13

After the night Barnes came to Tony, Barnes avoids him which frustrates and angers him.

What the fuck did I do? He wanted to stay, so I let him stay. Fucking slept next to him. What did he expect? A hug? Kiss on the cheeks? What does he think this thing they have is about?

Tony could order Friday to find Barnes, but he doesn't.

That week, Barnes doesn't show up.

\--

Only by accident, Tony overhears Barnes and Rogers talking.

"Buck. You're not happy. We could leave if you want."

"And do what?"

"I don't know. But there's always another way. We could try. We could go abroad, go somewhere no one knows us."

"Seriously, Stevie. Do you hear yourself? What, go to Paris, you become a struggling artist, me, bust tables or something? Some domestic life? Are you picturing that? Get a grip, Steve. We're done."

"Bucky…"

"No, you seem content here. This place suits you. But I'm done. There's no second chance after what I've done. It'll be like this for a long time, and it'll end. I'll probably die fighting for something that I don't understand or agree."

Rogers sighs, it's his disapproving sigh, and Tony wants to punch him in the face.

After a while, Barnes says, "I don't want this."

And fuck, Tony's heart breaks a little.

\--

Tony has his issues. Everyone knows that. He was too absorbed in his own shit that he forgot or ignored, mostly ignored, Barnes has enough skeletons to fill the closet and more.

It's not as satisfying as he once thought.

\--

Next week before their check-up appointment, Tony waits for Barnes. Maybe he won't come, Tony gets anxious and worried and doesn't know what to do with that feeling. But Barnes turns up and sits at his usual check-up chair. He looks occupied for some reason.

"Why didn't you come last week?"

"I was sick. I'm sorry."

"You should've called or texted."

"I forgot. It won't happen again."

Lies.

\--

After the check-up, they fuck.

Barnes is not like himself at all. It's as if Tony's fucking a different person.

Barnes is always passive in bed. He waits for Tony to lead him. It doesn't mean that Barnes just lies down and take it. Of course, Barnes touches Tony and kisses him back, but Barnes waits for Tony to make a move. Barnes doesn't do anything more than Tony gives him. Even when it's clear that Barnes wants more, it's like he's mimicking what Tony does to him. Tony found that out soon in their relationship. Sometimes it irritates Tony. Sometimes it's endearing.

This time, Barnes moves fast. As soon as the check-up is finished, Barnes passes Tony without looking at him, walks to the bedroom and sheds his clothes, gets on the bed. Tony stands in front of him and asks,

"Barnes, What the fuck?"

Barnes unzips Tony's jeans with shaky hands and takes Tony's cock out. Tony's cock is soft, but Barnes pulls Tony in and sucks Tony's cock.

Fuck it. Tony pulls his shirt off. If Barnes wants it, there's no reason for Tony to stop him. They were going to fuck anyway.

The room's dark. Tony tries to turn on the light when Barnes pulls Tony to bed. Barnes takes the lube out of the table and squeezes it on his fingers. His hands are unsteady, he spills a little on the sheets but doesn't care and puts three fingers up his ass at once.

"Stop."

Tony carefully puts his hand on Barnes's hips, but Barnes pushes him away.

Tony's too stunned to do anything. This is not what Barnes does. At all. Tony watches Barnes moving. Somethings wrong. What is it?

Barnes sucks Tony's cock, and Tony gets hard fast. They didn't fuck last week and to be honest, Tony's been looking forward to this. When Tony gets hard enough, Barnes kneels between Tony's lap and sinks on Tony's cock to the hilt at once.

"No, Wait."

It's dry and tight. Barnes groans and Tony stops him by holding Barnes hips up.

"Please," Barnes says his voice quiet.

The room's too dark. Tony can't see Barnes's face.

"Fine."  
  
Barnes fucks himself on Tony's cock, fast and rough. Tony notices Barnes is trying to get Tony off. Barnes grinds his hips, tightens his muscles. Tony touches Barnes's cock, and it's soft. Barnes's almost painfully tight. Barnes bats Tony's hand away and keeps sinking down.

Fuck, but it works. Tony can't get enough of Barnes, even now. Tony's ball tightens soon. Tony feels dizzy with arousal and wants to chase the tight heat of Barnes but pulls out and rolls over. Barnes chases him, and Tony uses that as an opportunity to flip Barnes to lie on his back and gets on top of him.

"Barnes. Talk to me."

No answer.

"If you want it rough, I'll give you that. But not like this." Tony tries to say it as neutral as he can manage.

"Do you want that?" Tony adds and he feels Barnes nodding.

It's dark, and Barnes won't let him turn on the light. So Tony has to guess, which leads to more touching.

Tony makes Barnes lie on his stomach and bites and sucks his shoulder and neck, harsh enough to leave a mark and licks down his spine. Tony grabs Barnes's ass hard and buries his face in Barnes's ass. Barnes clenches up, but Tony spreads Barnes's ass cheek strong and licks slowly and with force. Barnes falls apart and hides his face on the pillow, muffled moans escaping. Tony doesn't let him instead grabs a handful of Barnes's hair and lifts him up.

"Get on all fours." Tony orders.

Barnes does. Tony keeps licking Barnes slowly and reaches around to twist Barnes's nipples, gets a sharp moan. Tony bites on Barnes's ass and uses his teeth on his hole while stroking Barnes's hard cock. Barnes comes shaking, but it's not over.

If Barnes wants it rough, he's going to make sure Barnes gets it.

Barnes is collapsed flat on his stomach, and Tony grabs both of Barnes's hands back so he can't move, have any leverage, and rams into him. Barnes can't do anything but take it. Tony thrusts in hard, fast and doesn't let Barnes catch a breath.

Tony grabs Barne's hips, lifts him up on his knees. Barnes's hands are still on his back, Tony's grip is firm. Tony pushes Barnes's face in the sheets, so only his hips are up. Tony hammers into Barnes again and again, probably the harshest thrust Tony gave Barnes.

Tony thinks breathlessly. It feels less like fucking, more like punishment. But who's punishing who?

It doesn't take long for Tony to feel Barnes's orgasm approaching. Barnes gasps for air and Tony pulls out and lies back.

"Fuck yourself on me. Make me come."

Barnes's thighs shake, but he climbs on. Barnes sinks down slowly, and Tony arches up ruthlessly. Barnes almost loses his balance and Tony holds him down.

"Harder."

Tony orders and Barnes obeys. Tony arches his hip up to the tight heat and starts to stroke Barnes's cock. Barnes fucks himself harder, trapped in the maddening cycle of Tony's cock in his ass and his cock in Tony's hand. Tony puts his other hand on Barnes's hips and pulls him down on his cock harder, guiding him to orgasm.

Just before Barnes comes, Tony flips Barnes on his back and thrusts in again, almost violently. Tony's body aches, can't imagine what Barnes's feeling. Maybe this is too much, Tony worries for a moment. But Tony remembers how Barnes acted and decides to follow through.

Tony reaches for Barnes's cock and finds it's hard. Tony jerks him off and puts his hand over Barnes's mouth. Tony can feel Barnes breathing hard through his hand. Tony covers Barnes's nose, and mouth with his hand stops him from breathing and thrusts in deep for the last time, stick his cock in there. Barnes comes shouting, Tony follows soon. While Tony's half-hard, he thrusts and milks Barnes cock, forcing till the last drop of come and spreads it on Barnes's length.

Tony's thinking 'What now?' when Barnes, who's still shaking from his orgasm, leans up and kisses Tony. Tony's caught by surprise, he looks down, and Barnes pulls Tony gently down to him. It's a chaste closed-mouth kiss.

They just fucked like they're fighting for their lives, like animals. And Barnes is now kissing him like they are lovers. Tony opens Barnes's mouth with his tongue, deepens the kiss. Tony lets Barnes lead, and the kiss is shy, quiet just like Barnes was before today. They kiss lazily like that for a few minutes, and Tony asks.

"You Ok, now?"

Barnes just looks up at him. 

Tony sighs and turns the light on. Barnes is a mess, his hair's disheveled, red bite marks Tony made is visible, his face is flushed. Sweat and spit, come all over his body.

Tony gets a wet towel and cleans himself. Barnes is looking at him, so Tony gets another towel. Tony considers just giving to him, then thinks, fuck it. Tony sits next to Barnes and wipes his traces off of Barnes while Barnes watches him.

"Can I stay? Just for a while."

By his tone, Tony knows that Barnes's expecting him to say 'No'. 

So Tony says, "Yes."

Tony turns the light off and lies beside Barnes. Tony's body aches and he's tired. Tony's dozing off to sleep when Barnes whispers like he's saying to himself,

"I know what you want from me."

His voice hitches a bit.

"Ok."

He adds quietly.

Tony acts like he's asleep.


	14. Chapter 14

Next time, Barnes comes with a sort of smile on his face. He's back to his usual self. Quiet and attentive. And Tony can't figure out what the fuck is going on.

Barnes is a fucking contradiction. A fucking annoying puzzle Tony can't even begin to solve.

Tony thinks maybe he's not the one in control of this. It scares him.

After the check-up, Tony pushes Barnes to his knees right there in the workshop. And Tony forces a rather selfish blowjob from Barnes. Then jerks Barnes off quickly. Just like they did the first few times. Only with his hand on Barnes's cock. No touching or kissing. Detached, cold.

Tony watches Barnes clean himself with a towel and put his shirt and jeans on.

"I need a break," Tony blurts out.

Barnes looks at Tony silently.

"I handed over your info to the tech team. They will take care of you."

Tony's lying. He wasn't planning any of this. But Tony can't handle this Barnes thing anymore. It's getting complicated, the lines are blurring, and this is not what Tony signed up for.

Tony expects at least a few words from Barnes, but Barnes nods and leaves without turning back.

\--

Two weeks pass by. Tony runs into Barnes a couple of times but stays away and ignores him.

Barnes seems a little startled, but he's a smart guy. He understands what Tony wants and keeps his distance.

The day they were supposed to meet, Tony drinks looking at Barne's empty check-up chair.

Maybe this is for the best, Tony thinks.

\--

There's another annoying party for some charity. It never fucking ends. But Tony's been training for these shitty social events all his life, so he chats with the usual wealthy assholes.

Tony brought a date. Pepper set them up. Cute, petite blonde actress. She's witty, bright and young, talks nonstop and touches Tony without any hesitation. Beautiful curves and soft all over.

She's the kind of girl who was very much loved growing up. She's open and clean and has a beautiful smile, the sort of smile that when she smiles, it's almost impossible to not laugh with her.

She's not at all like Barnes.

\--

Tony's having a genuinely lovely time with her when he notices some guy across the room. Tony vaguely thinks, that guy's hot, and finds out it's Barnes. Tony's jaw nearly drops.

A few days ago, during some meeting Pepper said Barnes had an image problem, should clean him up a bit. Tony tried to stay away from thinking about Barnes as possible, so he said fine, and moved on to the next thing.

Tony just holds himself back from walking towards Barnes to touch and lick his smooth face. So fuckable, Tony nearly gets a boner right that second. Tony grits his teeth, he's not going to get a fucking hard-on, in public, just looking at Barnes. He is not.

Barnes looks gorgeous. He's wearing a god damn tux for fuck's sake. Hair slicked back, showing his clean-shaven face. He looks like fucking James Bond if James Bond is constantly looking for an exit, nervous and trying to hide somewhere nonstop.

Tony huffs, Barnes is still Barnes. Tony looks at the happily chatting date and then Barnes. Every aspect of them is so different.

Some guy is talking to Barnes. Good looking guy. Brown hair, fit, has a charming smile. The guy is flirting.

Brave, Tony thinks, he's trying to get in Winter Soldier's pants. The guy whispers something in Barnes's ear, touches Barnes's arm, orders a drink for Barnes. Tony knows Barnes doesn't drink.

But when drink comes, Barnes gulps it all at once. Tony watches Barnes getting a bit tipsy, his face turning rosy red.

The guy is shameless. He touches Barnes's cheek. Barnes winces and automatically looks around, and their eyes meet. Barnes looks confused and nervous.

The guy pays the bartender, puts his hand on the small of Barnes's back, pushes him towards the exit. Barnes lets him.

Barnes and that guy's going to fuck. Tony orders a strong drink. It burns going down. He can't help but imagine Barnes bent down, brown hair guy licking him out. Barnes getting fucked on all fours from behind. And Barnes getting fucked lying on his back while kissed breathlessly. More intimate than the previous images.

And a thought appears. What if Barnes never comes back? That was never an option Tony thought was possible. Barnes is a private guy. He doesn't trust easily. And fucking needs trust. At least to Barnes. Tony got him to open up that much, so Tony never thought of Barnes fucking other people.

And now Barnes is gone. Maybe he'll find out that Tony's not the only option. Maybe Barnes will realize that guy is better at intimacy, gets tired of Tony being distant and cold and goes to someone warmer, nicer to him.

That thought makes Tony feel something. It's close to anxiety, fear. Tony pays the tab and walks toward the exit. He's going to get Barnes back. Tony doesn't know how or what he's going to do when he finds them, but Tony can't stay here.  
  
Tony opens the door and bumps into someone. When Tony turns around to apologize, he finds it's Barnes. Barnes ran here. He's breathing hard, and his cheeks are flushed pink. Barnes is caught off guard, he tenses up and stutters.

"I'm sorry. I..."

"Fuck," Tony swears.

Barnes ran away from that guy.

Someone passes them by, trying to get inside the building. They're blocking the entrance.  
  
Barnes looks at Tony, worried. Tony leans and whispers directly to Barnes's ears.

"I'm going to fuck you, now."

And Tony enters the building, without turning back, because he knows Barnes is following.

\--

Tony finds an empty room, gets inside, Barnes follows and shuts the door.

"No, keep it open."

Barnes opens the door a little. The room is dark. Tony can hear people chatting in the next room, staffers working their way in the hallway.

Tony runs his hand through Barnes's hair. Tony liked Barnes's hair long, grabbed it from behind when Barnes is on all fours, waiting to be fucked. Tugged it when Barnes sucked him off. But Tony likes Barnes with short hair too.

Tony pushes Barnes to the wall and kisses him roughly, selfish and brutal. Barnes sighs and tries to give as good as he gets.

Barnes's wearing too many layers. Tony needs to touch, right now. Tony unbuttons the bottom of Barnes's shirt and pushes his hand underneath. Tony's hands are cold, Barnes shivers, but Tony keeps stroking Barnes's abs and rubs his nipples while kissing everywhere he can reach.

Tony puts his thighs between Barnes's legs and feels Barnes getting hard, grinds on him and Barnes gasps, wanting more.

Tony pulls Barnes's cock out, spits on his palm and strokes his length slowly. Barnes pants and thrusts up to his hand, but Tony stops him. Tony keeps a slow pace jerking Barnes's cock.

"More?" Tony asks, and Barnes nods.

"No. You're going to get just as much as I give you, no more. Do you understand?"

Barnes looks into Tony's eyes. Suddenly lust gone.

Tony thinks, did I say something wrong? Then Barnes says quietly,

"Was there any other way?" and before Tony can say anything, pulls Tony for a bruising kiss. Tony pants for air but Barnes doesn't let go.

"I know," Barnes says when they finally part, his voice low.

Strange choice of word, Tony thinks, but Barnes's cock is heavy on his hands and want and lust is back on Barnes's eyes, so he forgets about it quickly.  
  
Tony strokes Barnes's cock, rubs the slit and keeps Barnes on edge, taking his hands off when Barnes is close. Barnes gasps and whines but waits patiently enduring Tony's torture.

Tony feels dizzy. Anyone can come in and find them. Music and chatter are coming from outside, Barnes's breath hot and his scent thick. Barnes's eyes are wet from pleasure.

"Come now," Tony orders, still his hands stroking Barnes torturously slow. Barnes doesn't thrust up, stays very still, bites his lips until it bleeds and comes almost painfully with his eyes on Tony.

The party's going to last for at least an hour more. Tony rubs Barnes's come on his inner thighs. Barnes will feel sticky and uncomfortable.

"You're not allowed to clean this up until you go to your room."

Barnes nods. Tony zips Barnes's pants up and gives him a bruising kiss.

"Next week, come to my workshop."

Tony says, and when he takes a step to the door

Barnes says quietly,

"I missed you."

Tony cups Barnes's face with both hands and plants a kiss on Barnes's lips and leaves the room.

\--

Their thing continues. Mainly because Tony doesn't want it to end, but he buries that thought deep.

It's messy. Fine.

Tony thinks if he doesn't forget his plan, it doesn't matter how he gets there.


	15. Chapter 15

Tony wore Barnes down so thoroughly that after he came, Barnes' thighs spasmed, he couldn't speak, and his whole body went limp. Barnes' looked like he's gone totally out of his mind.

Tony fucked the great almighty Super Soldier so good he's not going to be able to walk straight.

Tony likes that thought.

Barnes tries to leave, as soon as fucking is over. Tony watches Barnes trying to get dressed, his hands slipping, his eyelids keep dropping and says,

"Stay. In that state, you'll get lost before you get to your floor. It's a huge building, you know."

Tony doesn't want to find Barnes passed out somewhere in the building, that's why he's going to let him stay. What if Rogers finds Barnes like that? He's just trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation. Not because he's chasing the warmth of Barnes.

Barnes hesitates and comes back to bed. Barnes has his t-shirt and briefs on. Tony takes it off, and Barnes lets him like an obedient child.

They lie side by side naked. Barnes smells good, smells like Tony and his body's warm.

Tony's dozing off, satisfied in a post-coital haze when the other part of the bed dips. And a little bit later, it sinks again. It's Barnes.

"Jesus Fucking Crist, Barnes. Stop fidgeting."

Barnes answers right away.

"I'll leave."

"Do you want to leave?"

Tony watches Barnes thinking.

"I don't know."

"Then stay."

Barnes is still stiff. Tony puts his hand on Barnes' chest.

He feels Barnes' heart beating. Tony thinks, I almost made this stop.

Tony slightly pushes on Barnes' chest. Just enough to make him groan.

"Stay."

Barnes relaxes a bit and sighs.

\--

Tony wakes up in the middle of the night, and thinks hazily, why? Why am I up?

Then he finds out Barnes is thrashing and turning violently. He's sweating and saying something in Russian.

Of course, he has nightmares.

Tony's sleepy and does the stupidest thing possible. Tony shakes Barnes's shoulders. Barnes wakes up immediately, gets on top of Tony, and strangles him. Barnes is too strong to fight off.

So, this is how I go. Getting strangled to death by a guy I've been hate fucking for a few months, Tony thinks. And it's not even related to sex. Pity.

Barnes snaps out of it soon enough and gets off right away. Tony coughs and thanks to God he doesn't believe, he didn't go that way. Waking the Winter Soldier's nightmare by fucking shaking him. How would've Pepper explained it to the press?

Tony touches his neck. It hurts. It's definitely going to bruise. Fuck, he's going to have to wear a scarf or a turtleneck for at least a week. He hates both options. He's thinking of tomorrow's wardrobe choice when Barnes says,

"I'm sorry."

Barnes is way over there, on the edge of the bed and giving that look. It's one of his usual looks, guilt, sadness, fear, loss.

Tonight, Tony's too tired, and too almost strangled to death to think about what that makes him feel and why.

I'm the one strangled. Why does Barnes look like he's some small animal who's cornered and waiting for its' inevitable death?

"No, I was an idiot," Tony says, his voice gone.

"I should've told you." Barnes bites his lips.

"Yeah, you should've."

"I'm sorry. I'll leave."

Tony should make a list of things Barnes can't say.

On top of the list would be "I'll leave." He says that, too often. Barnes says that then Tony has to be the one who has to stop him, make him come back. Barnes always comes back. There's no fucking point of saying that anymore.

"Shut up." Tony's voice is harsh. Barnes's shudders, eyes wide.

"Just shut up and lie down."

Barnes obeys. They lie side by side, both looking up at the ceiling.

"I'm sorry. I get nightmares."

Tony doesn't ask. He's had plenty of those himself.

"Can I see…?"

"Fine."

Barnes touches his neck carefully. Barnes's touch is tender, but it hurts. Tony winces, moan escaping him, and Barnes looks scared and guilty. Again. Barnes should get a new look.

"If you cry on me, you're so fucked." Tony tries to say casually.

Barnes stares.

"Not literally, you idiot."

Barnes keeps staring, and Tony doesn't know what to do.

"For fuck's sake. Stop staring and go back to bed. Sleep it off."

They're close. Their body doesn't exactly touch, but Tony can feel the warmth of Barnes's body.

Tony doesn't reach but says,

"Next time, we'll do that while fucking."

Tony feels Barnes smile.

They don't cuddle, but when Tony wakes up in the middle of the night, he finds himself facing Barnes, and Barnes is asleep with a deep frown on his face, but he's sleeping, so it's not bad.

\--

The next morning, they fuck. Tony doesn't strangle Barnes but pushes into him a little harder than usual. Barnes is on top. He's making the motion, but he's droopy, and he's clearly not here.

That's insulting. Tony thinks as he thrusts up.

Barnes didn't sleep well last night.

Tony makes him lie on his back. Tony then kisses Barnes slowly, and Barnes gets sleepy soon. That's when Tony slams into him hard. Barnes tense up, sense somethings change.

"You're not falling asleep while I'm fucking you."

Tony says as he bites on Barnes's shoulder. Tony doesn't let go until Barnes whimpers. It will bruise. At least Barnes doesn't have to cover it up.

It's not gentle, but they move together. After they come, Barnes falls asleep. This time for real.

Tony leaves the room and does his thing in the workshop.

\--

Later, Barnes tells him that when he has one of those nightmares, he doesn't go back to sleep.

Because he's afraid, he'll get it again.

When a nightmare comes, it continues.

He's not immune to everything. He gets sleepy. That's why he wanders around at night. To not fall asleep again.

After that kind of night, the next day's training is 'challenging,' he says.

If Tony could choose the word, it would be 'Shit. Leave me alone, Rogers.'

Rogers became more irritating since their thing started.


	16. Chapter 16

It's almost 11 in the morning when Tony gets a call from Romanoff. There's a suicide bomber with two hostages. Romanoff is with Rogers out to do a mission in god knows where.  
  
"Get Barton to do it." Tony grumbles.  
  
"Barton's on a fucking vacation. Do not argue with me, Tony. Only you and Barnes are available. Do you know where Barnes is? He's not answering his phone."  
  
"He's with me," Tony says and quickly regrets it.  
  
Romanoff's silent for a second but continues with her usual calm voice.  
  
"Take him with you."  
  
"Fine."  
  
"I can call Wanda for back up."  
  
"No. Don't." Tony cuts her off. Tony's seen Barnes getting tense around her.  
  
"It's just one bomber. We can handle it."  
  
"Fine. Move now, Tony. Before people die."  
  
Tony hangs up the phone and looks back at the bedroom. It's rare to see Barnes this deep sleeping. Tony doesn't want to, but he has to wake Barnes up.  
  
Tony shouts from across the room.  
  
"Barnes! We have to go!"  
  
Barnes whines but doesn't move. Tony sighs and gets next to Barnes.  
  
"Get up. I'll brief you on the way."  
  
Barnes is a light sleeper, ready to go at once when Tony wakes him up, but this morning he's different.  
  
Tony puts his hand on Barnes's forehead. It's warm.  
  
Can Super-soldiers get sick? Tony's not sure, but Barnes doesn't look right. Tony pushes back his concern and says coldly.  
  
"Three minutes. Get dressed and gear up."  
  
\--  
  
After the mission, Tony gets out of medical check-up quickly by threatening he'll fire everyone if they didn't let him go.  
  
Tony gets in the shower. He takes his blood-soaked clothes off and looks at the mirror. Tony's injured pretty bad, but he's had worse. He has some scratches on his face, deep cuts on his arms and neck from the wreckage of the bomb, still bleeding through the gauze. A huge ugly bruise on his ribs, but nothing's broken.  
  
Tony turns on the hot water. Steam fills the room. He's cleaning himself mechanically when his legs give out. Tony falls to the floor. He barely pulls himself up and sits against the wall. He stays there, with his face buried in his arms, hot water pouring on him.  
  
\--  
  
It was a clean operation. Clean-ish, Tony thinks. Three people died, the suicide bomber, two hostages who turned out to be hostiles in the end. No civilian casualties. No severe property damages. Everyone but those three survived.

Normally Tony would've noticed that the hostages were also hostiles. But Tony was distracted, Barnes following behind him all flushed and shaking from the fever.  
  
The bombers wanted Tony and Barnes there. And when Barnes and Tony got into the blast zone, they flipped the switch.  
  
Tony remembers how the woman screamed "Murderer!" before the bomb went off.  
  
The irony is, Tony doesn't know if she was calling Tony or Barnes.  
  
Barnes or Tony? Does it matter? They both killed.  
  
Barnes, no the Winter Soldier probably killed more than Tony ever would. But that doesn't mean Tony's off the hook. Tony's motive was to save but to do that, Tony and the Avengers killed plenty, some of them were innocent bystanders.  
  
Tony's going to find out who they were, why they did it when he can manage to get up. But it's getting harder every second because Tony's scared of what he'll find out.  
  
\--  
  
Tony hears the door opening and familiar footsteps coming toward him. Cautious and slow. It's Barnes.  
  
"Get the fuck out," Tony shouts.  
  
"You have stitches. You can't shower for at least a few days."  
  
Tony hates this. He's naked, bleeding, freaking out. He doesn't want Barnes to see him like this.

"Fuck off."

"No."

Tony looks up at Barnes. It's probably the first time Barnes said 'No,' to him.

"Who the fuck do you think you are? Just because we fuck, you think you have any say in this? Anything?" Tony snarls.

Barnes silently takes his clothes off, gets in the shower, and sits across from Tony.

Barnes is injured too. Probably a lot more than Tony.

The bomber wanted Tony out of the iron man suit. He threatened to kill one of the hostages, a fucking teenage boy. Tony got out to calm him down. When Tony saw the switch in the boy's hand, he got back in the suit just before the bomb went off. He covered Barnes but barely.

Barnes's bruised all over. Nasty cut on his shoulder and both of his thighs. Tony assumes Barnes at least cracked his ribs and his ankle looked pretty bad. Tony saw Barnes limping on his way here.  
  
When water hits him, Barnes moans softly, grits his teeth.  
  
They sit like that for a long time — both naked, hurt.  
  
Water gets luke-warm, and Barnes starts to tremble. Tony watches him while thinking, Get out. Get the fuck out.  
  
But Barnes stays. Barnes's bleeding is getting worse, and he turns pale, lips trembling blue. Barnes is barely holding up.

Finally, Tony gives up and says.  
  
"Fine."  
  
\--  
  
Barnes wipes water and blood off Tony and puts him on the bed. Tony protests but Barnes makes him drink vodka with some painkillers. Not the best way to deal with a severe injury, but why not.  
  
Barnes stitches Tony's torn up cuts and changes the dressing. Drunk and dazed with painkillers, Tony watches Barnes working. Barnes's fingers are hot, he's burning up, but his hands are steady.  
  
They always fucked when they're naked. It's strange watching Barnes completely naked, doing something else than fucking. Tony touches Barnes's beat-up face. Barnes likes it when Tony touches him, normally leans in, but this time, Barnes flinches, pushes Tony's hand gently away, and keeps working.  
  
When he's done, Barnes gets Tony to lie down. Barnes sits on the edge of the bed, turning his back.  
  
Tony watches Barnes's back, also colorfully bruised, breathing in and out. It's soothing for some reason. Maybe because of the painkillers. Tony falls asleep. He remembers stroking Barnes's back once. But he's not sure.  
  
\--  
  
Tony wakes up the next day, feeling like shit. But at least he didn't bleed out and die. Whatever Barnes did to him worked. He checks the watch and finds that he's been sleeping for more than 12 hours.  
  
When he limps out to the workshop, Rogers's outside the door, Tony sighs and lets him in.  
  
"What do you want? Oh, and thank you so very much for coming back."  
  
Rogers's panicking.  
  
"Something's wrong with Bucky."

\--  
  
Tony gets to the gym. He opens the door, can't find Barnes right away. Tony follows the trace of blood, and the bandages Barnes pulled off on his way. Barnes is crawled up in the corner. Tony's first instinct is to shout, what the fuck. But he walks up to him instead.  
  
Barnes buried his face deep in his knees. He's soaked with blood and sweat. When Tony approaches Barnes doesn't look up at him.

"Barnes. You have to get treated. There's a medical staff ready to go right outside this room."

Barnes stays silent. Tony sits across him.

They sit like that for a while.

"I can't," Barnes says like it's pulled out of him. His voice shakes.  
  
"I can't do this anymore."

"Ok," Tony says, softly.

"Let's not do it then."

Time passes and Tony's getting concerned by the minute. Barnes is burning up. They're not touching, but Tony can feel it. Barnes already lost a lot of blood, and he's still bleeding.

Tony reaches out to touch Barnes's forehead. Barnes jumps so bad he bumps his head back on the wall.

Ok, no touching.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No," Barnes says quickly.

"Then look at me. Or I'm going to."

Barnes looks up, his face white.

"Listen. If you want to end it, it's fine. I get it. It sucks. 4, 5 hours like this, you'll bleed out. I'll make sure no one comes in."

Barnes leans back to the wall.

"But I wish you won't," Tony adds.

"Why?" Barnes asks slowly.

"Because I'm not done fucking you."

Barnes's smile is barely noticeable. But Tony knows.

Tony looks into Barnes's eyes intensely and says,

"Barnes. Just. Stop."

Barnes nods. Barnes lets go and pass out, falling face first, and Tony catches him right that second.

\--  
  
Tony finds out the three suicide bombers were after Barnes. Their whole family was killed during a Hydra mission Barnes lead. They were innocent bystanders.

Tony deleted that information, made sure no one could ever access anything remotely connected to it and went to see Barnes at the hospital.

Tony knows Barnes will be fine. Tony put together the best medical staff he can get, and he's a super-soldier. But Tony sat beside Barnes for hours and left before he woke up.


	17. Chapter 17

After fuck number whatever something weird happens.  
  
It was a particularly rigorous fuck, which was spectacular, fast and rough and urgent.

Tony bent Barnes over the work table, licked him out viciously, ignoring Barnes begging, fingered him until Barnes was half out of his mind.

Barnes almost broke the table, which is impressive since Barnes used his flesh hands and the table is made of metal. Tony sometimes forgets how strong Barnes really is.

Tony whispered filthy, filthy things to Barnes while fucking and Barnes blushed beautifully. They came, Tony first, buried in Barnes's ass and Barnes next, Tony sucking him off with three fingers in his hole.  
  
Both of them are totally spent, covered in sweat and spit and come.

Tony's too tired, but he's sticky all over, he gets up to take a shower when Barnes' stomach growls.

"When's the last time you ate?"

"I don't remember."

"For fuck's sake."

Barnes' stomach growls again, this time louder.

"I eat."

"When?"

"I eat."

"Defensive, huh?"  
  
Tony calls Friday and orders food.

Tony thinks, Thai? Chinese? Pizza? Cheeseburger?  
And realizes, I'm rich, I can surely have some excessive amount of take-out. Tony orders it all. Barnes raises his eyebrows.

"I'm not going to watch you starve to death. It will be bad for our image."  
  
Tony walks to the shower.

"Come on. Let's go."

Barnes looks at Tony, trying to figure him out. Barnes is a sharp guy, but sometimes such simple things confuse him. That should be annoying, but today it's almost endearing.

Tony thinks it's because he just had a fantastic orgasm. He sure could give the guy some food who's responsible for it.  
  
"Hygiene, Barnes. I'm not eating with you all covered in, well, that."

\--  
  
They shower together. Barnes seems self-conscious and anxious, which Tony finds extremely funny.

Barnes can't reach his back, so Tony helps. Touching feels different with slippery soap and hot water pouring over them.

Tony rubs Barnes' back and notices Barnes is half-hard again.

"Again? Being a super-soldier has a lot of perks, huh?"

Barnes blushes so hard Tony worries he might faint or explode.

Tony is not ready for round two, but he jerks Barnes off anyway.

It is a nice cock, no good for wasting a nice hard-on. They end up making out like teenagers. Tony puts a finger in Barnes, then another. It's still slick with lube and Tony's come. Tony's so aroused he feels dizzy.

Tony never got the appeal of shower sex until now. Tony pushes Barnes to the wall and fingers and jerks him off until Barnes comes moaning into Tony's mouth. Barnes is droopy after that, so Tony helps him clean up.

\--

When they come out of the shower, the table is set, full of food.

Tony never saw Barnes eat until now. Barnes eats fast, efficiently, with such concentration. Food disappears into him. Tony stares, and when Barnes notices it he looks embarrassed and puts his spoon down.

"You eat too fast," Tony says casually.

"Habit."

"You don't have to anymore. You know that, right?"

Tony pushes more food toward Barnes.

"What is it?"

"It's pad-thai. You never had Thai before?"

"Yeah."

"Eat it. It's good."

They eat in silence. Tony ordered so much food that would feed at least ten starving people.

After Barnes swallows, he says,

"It's a lot."

"I'm Tony Stark. I'm rich enough to at least feed my…"

Tony stops. He doesn't know what to call him. What is he to him?

Barnes breaks the silence.

"You're arrogant."

"That is… not, not true."

That becomes their new routine. Check-up, fuck, eat.

\--  
  
Tony notices Barnes knows so little about food. Until now to Barnes, food was a necessity, not something that could bring joy. There're so many kinds of food he hasn't even heard of. Simple things like Indian curry or Burrito surprises him.

It excites Tony in a weird hot way. Tony spoils Barnes rotten. He puts all kinds of food flown from all over the world in front of Barnes and watches how Barnes reacts to each and every one.

Tony learns a lot of things.

Barnes can't eat spicy food, but he insisted on finishing it. Tony had to pry it out of Barnes's hands and throw it away before he dies.

Barnes especially likes Italian food. Says when he was a kid, the upstairs lady always cooked pasta.

Barnes hates canned food but ate them all. This time Tony fails to take it away. He doesn't ask why, but he can think of a few reasons. It depresses him. Tony made sure to get rid of every canned food from his kitchen and even the communal kitchen which drove Barton crazy.  
  
Barnes has a terrible sweet tooth that Tony finds fascinating. It's really serious. Tony thinks the only reason Barnes does not have diabetes is that he got the super-soldier serum. If he didn't, he would have definitely died because of it.

Tony adds dessert to the routine.

Tony doesn't like anything sweet, and Barnes doesn't drink coffee. After the main course, Tony drinks coffee while Barnes obsesses over his treats.

\--

One time, Tony orders a decadent chocolate cake from Vegas for Barnes. It's enormous, at least 10 layers, and many macarons and chocolate bars decorating it.

It's so sweet Tony can smell it from across the table.

Barnes stares at the cake and says,

"Are you trying to make me fat?"

"Yeah, I'm force-feeding you. Get on with it. I can see you drooling from over here."  
  
Barnes takes a bite, and Tony sees an almost smile on Barnes's face. After seeing that face, Tony can't help but lean over to kiss Barnes. Barnes's mouth is sickeningly sweet, but Tony chases the taste with his tongue anyway. When the kiss gets deeper, Tony stops, and Barnes makes a whining sound.

Tony sips his coffee and says casually,

"What? Eat your food. I flew it in from Vegas. Oh, and I'm not fucking you if you get fat."  
  
Barnes grabs Tony's wrists and drags him to the bedroom and gives him the blowjob of his life. At least top 5, no top 3. Tony briefly thinks, how many of the top something lists Barnes made in. Probably a lot.

Tony puts that thought aside, and to distract himself, he sits up, leans to the bedpost.

"Come here."

Barnes kneels between Tony's legs.

"Take your cock out."

Barnes rushes to take off his jeans and Tony stops him.

"Just your zippers down. And take your cock out."

Barnes obeys.

"Get the lube and give it to me."

Barnes is shivering already with want.

"Show me your palm."

Tony squeezes the cold lube on Barnes' hand, just a little short, so it'll coat his cock, but not enough, it'll feel somewhat dry.

"You're not allowed to come until I say so. Now touch yourself. Slowly."

"Yes."

Barnes gets hard fast. He avoids looking at Tony, and he doesn't like it.

"Look at me."

It's like porn. Barnes, looking at him, gaze filled with lust, moan escaping every time he strokes his cock, cock glistening with lube, under Tony's orders.

No, it's not like porn at all, because it's Barnes and he's right in front of Tony, and Tony can touch, lick, taste if he wants. The sound of Barnes stroking himself fills the room, the sound of slick on skin.

"You want to go faster?"

Barnes nods.

"Not yet. Now rub your slit with your thumb."

Barnes does and lets out a sobbing noise. Tony can see Barnes cock twitch.

"Again."

Barnes grabs Tony's thighs with his metal hand and squeezes a bit. That's what Barnes does when he wants. His hand is trembling.

"Take off your clothes and come over here."

Barnes moves so fast he almost falls and breaks his face.

"Come closer."

Tony grabs Barnes’s ass, kisses his thighs and starts to lick upward. Tony can feel Barnes swallow with anticipation.

Tony takes Barnes's cock in his hands and strokes it slowly, much more slowly than Barnes did while simultaneously sucking and biting his thighs. Leaving marks on the pale skin.

"Please," Barnes says, his voice hoarse.

"What?"

Barnes gives him a dirty look. That's a first. Tony rewards him with a hard, fast stroke. Barnes yelps.

"What do you want?"

"Please."

Tony touches his abs, goes upward and rubs on his nipple.

"Tell me."

Barnes lets out a sob, and Tony twists his nipple a bit too hard.

Barnes blushes under Tony's intense gaze, and Tony thinks, how is it, that one of the strongest soldiers, the one who can lift this whole bed with one hand, even with his flesh one, blush like a teenage girl every god damn time?

It should get old, but it doesn't.

"You want to come?"

"Yes."

That's enough for tonight. Tony strokes Barnes's cock while sucking on his balls. He coats his other hand with lube and puts one finger in Barnes's hole.

Tony knows Barnes's close. He shoves his finger deeper in Barnes's hole and says.

"Now."

And Barnes comes while gritting his teeth, shuddering. Too bad, Tony wanted to hear Barnes shout. Maybe next time.

Tony cleans himself and Barnes with a wet wipe. It will do for a while.  
Since they started whatever this is, Tony's showering more than he ever did in his life.

Barnes slumps beside Tony. He's breathing hard, and his eyes closed.

"You still here?"

He nods.

"Then I didn't do my job right."

Barnes groans and puts his arm over his eyes.

Tony gets close to Barnes, twists Barnes's nipple again and whispers to him.

"One day I'm going to make you come so hard you blackout."

The sound that escapes Barnes's mouth, Tony wants to record it and play it over and over again. Maybe make Barnes hear it. He'll definitely blush. Tony likes the thought.

He wants to lick every part of Barnes's body, but he wants to see him eat the cake more. Because it was expensive, it's not because watching him eat something is as satisfying as watching him orgasm.  
  
Tony doesn't know why he's doing this. It's not a date, Tony thinks to himself.

They've been through some stuff Tony can't deny that. He had some moments Barnes had some too. But Tony just can't let go of the past.

So, this is a ploy. It is. It's part of the plan. Tony's going to take Barnes as high as he can and throw him down to crash and burn. Why not have some fun getting there?

Tony thinks while watching Barnes have the rest of the cake.

Barnes gives him a shy smile when their eyes meet. Tony smiles back and thinks, he is going to drop him. He's going to make it hurt.


	18. Chapter 18

The fucking suit didn't work. Tony never thought it would be possible, but apparently, the opposite side had a fucking genius hacker, or one of his team turned on them. Both were equally awful. 

Tony saw at least ten men coming his way and sprinted as fast as the suit allows. Now that his beautiful suit shut down more than half its' function, such simple thing as running at speed took some effort. He turned at the alley and saw Barnes across the street. 

Fuck, he could see Barnes bleeding even from this far. Their team was not doing well. Tony hoped blood on Barnes's face was someone else's, but there wasn't time for him to dwell on Barnes, no matter how much it made Tony's heart sank. Barnes tried to cross the street to Tony when bullets started flying everywhere.

"Go, Barnes. Go! Get back up!" Tony shouted, desperately trying to get back online. Barnes nodded and hid in the shadows.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, Tony swore quietly as he met heavily armed men. Tony scanned their weapons. He might get out of it, but not without at least a month's worth of treatment in the medical. 

The worst possibility was that they might take him. The confidence on their faces loudly declared they knew the suit wasn't working. 

Then Barnes came up out of nowhere, in a flash shot four men between their eyes, clean and simple before they could even raise their weapon at him.

"I told you to call for backup," Tony growled.

"I did," Barnes replied shortly, carrying Tony so effortlessly it was a bit unsettling, and duck behind a parked car, whose owner would definitely sue Tony.

Fucking stubborn shit, Tony swore, furious, suddenly having the strong urge to fucking pick up the enemy's gun on the floor and shoot Barnes himself.

But then Tony heard footsteps and gunshots getting closer and thought maybe this was it. Tony dragged Barnes down to him by force, because he wouldn't fucking listen, and said, looking into his eyes straight, with his most serious 'do not fuck with me' face.

"They won't kill me. They will kill you. You have to go now." 

Tony could tell Barnes wasn't listening at all, because Barnes kissed him, maybe a little too long, considering they had an army coming at them. But Tony's hand was already in Barnes's hair, tugging him closely. Then Barnes stood up right away and started to shoot.

"You're going to die," Tony shouted, but he was shoved down by Barnes and had to see him fucking running out, picking up the guns of the dead enemies on the way while ducking from bullets. Then Barnes ran toward whatever was trying to kill him.

Tony, now more desperate than ever to get his suit back online, tried not to pay attention to the bullets flying around, because he would run out with or without his suit to protect Barnes. So, for both of them to get out of this alive, Tony needed the suit right now. 

Suddenly the noise stopped, and Tony felt the rush of fear. Barnes was down. He couldn't possibly fight all of them by himself, and he didn't hear any backup coming. The suit got online, fucking too late, and before he could even blink, he shot out to find Barnes. 

Barnes was standing still, surrounded by enemies dropped flat on the ground. Barnes's face lit up when he saw Tony's suit working. 

Tony checked the perimeter, there were no hostiles near, and the Shield team was arriving in three minutes.

Tony shot up to the sky without a word, enraged, not turning back.

\--

Tony ignored Barnes during the whole flight back to the Tower. Barnes hated flying, so he used to sit near him, but not a flat chance this time. When they lastly arrived, Tony went straight to his room, chasing off the medical staff and took a freezing cold shower. He treated his wounds by himself as time, and his ability would allow and went to debriefing.

Tony couldn't concentrate at all, looking at Barnes's back of the head. He had a notable deep cut on his neck. Barnes was excused after the first two hours of debriefing, but he stayed, stealing glances at Tony. Right after Rogers asked, "Questions?" Tony stood up like a bullet, walked out. He could hear Barnes following him.

\--

At the workshop, Tony leaned against the work table, silently glared at Barnes, checking visible scars. This was going to be bad, and Tony was pretty sure he couldn't and didn't want to stop it.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" Tony groaned.

"I thought... You were in danger," Barnes said, which rubbed Tony in the worst way possible.

"Of course, I was in danger. We all were. You disobeyed my direct order. Multiple times. You acted recklessly, chose the worst option. You could've killed yourself and me on the way. Well, you and me dying would've been a delight compared to what would happen if they got the suit from us," Tony barked.

"What the fuck were you thinking? Charging out like that? You think you're invincible? I see blood, I see scars. You think you could survive because you have one semi-ok metal arm? That's fucking scrap metal, Barnes."

"I needed you to stay active," Barnes murmured. 

"What the fuck… Were you the commander of the mission?" 

"No, Steve was."

"Then why the fuck did you make decisions you are not allowed to? Do you think Rogers would've made the same call?"

"I don't know. Ask him."

Tony stood up and cornered Barnes, who started to back off in instinct. It didn't stop Tony from pushing Barnes on the wall and shout at him.

"What do you think he would say if he knew the details, huh? You're fucking lucky I didn't shoot you myself." 

"Steve would want you to come back," Barnes said, his voice getting quieter. 

"And you kissed me," Tony scolded, then saw Barnes jerk slightly.

"Is this a joke to you? Are you having fun?"

Tony could see Barnes shutting down, but he couldn't stop himself.

"You think you're still the Winter Soldier? You're not allowed to act alone now. You're one of the team. If you think otherwise, then you don't fit here, get the fuck out of here, get your own job, do your mission as you wish." 

Tony turned around and gripped the edge of the table, feeling his heartbeat drumming loudly in his ears. When he turned back, the room was empty.

\--

Tony sat on the bed, his face buried in his hand, guilt, and regret filling him. He was too harsh on Barnes. But the way Barnes acted, as if he was going to apologize because he made him 'upset,' was infuriating.

There was a definite possibility of Barnes not being here. Tony felt sick to his stomach, remembering the fear when it suddenly went silent. He imagined Barnes down, with bullets in his body, soaked in his own blood.

It might have been this dangerous for him whenever he was doing the Winter Soldier gig, but he wasn't anymore, and Tony wanted to keep things that way. 

This wasn't the first time too. Tony saw reckless behavior from Barnes again and again. The spontaneity, the sudden unexpected decision might have been the critical component that kept him alive till now, and he seemed to plan to keep his style that way. The anxiety about that was bubbling in Tony's mind, it exploded today.

But still, he was too harsh. He shouldn't have said… He regretted mostly of what he said but mainly about the kiss. It just slipped out. To be honest, if Barnes didn't kiss him first, Tony would've. The situation was that bad. Tony thought they were done, definitely going to die.

After his comment on the kiss, Barnes looked down at the floor the whole time. Barnes sometimes just shut down like that. No expression, no reaction, no movement, no nothing. As if his power shut down. 

Tony suspected that was how the Winter Soldier pushed himself through all the shit. Shut down when needed. The problem is, Barnes was the one that controlled the switch now. He wanted to shut down. Shut out Tony, probably.

They had their session the next day. Tony desperately wished he could have at least a few days to cool down before he had to face Barnes again. Being with Barnes was great most of the time, today and tomorrow won't be.

\--

The next day, Barnes didn't show up.

\--

The next week, Barnes didn't show up.

\--

Tony tried to find Barnes, but couldn't. 

Tony didn't have access to every room of the Tower, so people could have their privacy. He hacked his own system, watched every room's CCTV feed, and his conclusion was,

Barnes left the Tower right after their conversation. If Tony's one-sided shout at him could be called a conversation.

And two blocks from the Tower, he was out of any security camera.

\--

Tony asked Rogers, and he just got a vague answer that Barnes was out on a job. 

Tony pressed on it, "What job? You think there's anything I don't have clearance to?"

Steve just looked at him calmly and repeated with the same tone. 

"He's on a job."

\--

Two weeks of Barnes' absence taught Tony one crucial fact.

Barnes was such a constant presence in Tony's life, he never thought Barnes would disappear on him that way. So, after losing him, he didn't know what to hang on to. Tony felt betrayed, angry, then guilty, worried. This mood swings were driving him crazy. 

Tony watched the security camera footage over and over again.

Barnes came out of Tony's workshop, then when the door closed, he stood there in the hallway for a full twenty minutes. No movement at all. Then as if his switch was turned on again, he walked right out of the building. From Tony's door to the main gate, there were thirty-seven cameras. He walked out in a slow, steady pace.

Tony hacked into the city's security, and from some buildings, parked cars' cameras and got about fifteen footage. Most of it was him walking down the street, looking down, much slower than in the Tower, almost like he was drunk. On the way, he threw his phone in the trash can near. 

The last one was also Barnes walking. Similar pace, similar attitude. Then in the middle of the street, he suddenly disappears into the dark alley. That's when Tony lost the trace.

Tony saw it, again and again, trying to find clues, and one day, he discovered that the last footage of Barnes disappearing didn't end when Barnes hid to the dark alley. He enhanced the footage and found Barnes, leaning toward the building, putting his forehead on the wall, trying to breathe.

Fuck, Tony wanted to slap himself because he remembered Barnes had some trouble going out to the world alone.

So, to summarize, Tony drove him away with his harsh accusation for saving his life. Barnes decided to leave because of it. He didn't take anything, threw away his phone, so no one could track him. And he was having trouble outside. He had no plan, no resources, nothing.

Tony knew that Barnes wasn't a runaway teenager having a fit. He was a soldier spy who survived way, way, way worse. He would've made a plan soon enough and probably was already halfway across the globe, with a fake new identity, a place to live, and a job.

But Tony also knew Barnes tried so hard to get ok living in the Tower. And he just started to trust people here.

Tony just took it away because of, what, a little bit of anxiety he had? Of Barnes's survival instinct and tactic that Tony had no business to comment whatsoever? For saving his life?

Tony paced around the workshop at night, watching the footage, again and again, considering every option that would make Barnes surface.

\--

Then Tony picked up Rogers talking on the phone with an unidentified number.

\--

"Where's Barnes?" Tony charged into the kitchen and confronted Rogers.

"I told you. He's on a mission," Steve said, his eyes wide.

I know you talked to him, Tony wanted to say, but he wasn't ready to show himself that openly.

"He missed his check-up, two times in a row," Tony said flatly.

"Why the fuck do you care?" Barton asked, his eyes curious and cold.

Tony sometimes forgot how observant Barton is. That was the reason Tony kind of felt uneasy around him.

Recently, Barnes was opening up to his team. He was an undeniably sweet, kind, loyal guy. No wonder people came to him. 

Barnes already had an annoying relationship with Rogers, with people's praise of their great love story, which made Tony's inside twist.

Barnes was close with Romanov because when Romanov found something she liked, she never let it go. And apparently, Barnes got into the list of just a handful of things she loved.

Barton and Barnes seemed to get along pretty well. They had a major thing in common. They were both snipers, always watching, observing with endless and cold patience. And both having a hollowing past that followed them probably made them bond.

Rogers, Romanov, and Barton. They were the constant presence in Barnes's life, giving him the attention, comfort, affection, whatever it was that Barnes needed. They are trying to protect and guard Barnes against, well, people like Tony.

"I thought you hated Barnes. Because of, you know, killing your parents, thing," Barton sipped his coffee casually, and Tony barely stopped himself from snatching the cup and throwing it in his face.

"Shut the fuck up," Tony barked before Rogers intervened.

"Leave Barnes alone. Don't dip that low," Barton said, his tone ice cold and sharp.

"Go back to your fucking suburban life," Tony snapped.

"I'll go back when I want to. And you, you stop fucking up other people's lives," Barton snarled and walked out.

Tony slumped on the chair. How much does Barton know? It wasn't from Barnes. Barnes would never tell. Then how did he know? Did Tony really fuck Barnes up that everyone noticed?

Then Tony remembered Rogers was still in the room.

"Rogers, I know you're talking to Barnes. Next time, tell him I need to talk to him," Tony said, rubbing his forehead. "Um, and I'm sorry."

"Ok," Rogers's answer was as simple as that.

\--

To get Barnes out of his mind, Tony immersed himself in work. He worked standing up, trying to tire himself to sleep, but it didn't work for two days. Friday got annoying, nagging him to eat, sleep, so he turned her off.

While welding, Tony burned his arm pretty bad and swore loudly, fuck, fuck, fuck. He didn't want to go to medical, and the smell of burnt skin made him nauseous. Then he felt a cold towel brushing his wound.

"Steve told me you wanted to talk," Barnes said, putting pressure on the wound with the towel.

"Yeah, ah, shit. Can you give me a second? I have to put something on this." 

Barnes found a first aid kit and dressed his wound. Tony watched Barnes from a close distance, how steady his hands are, how casual and confidently he worked like he did this more than hundreds of times. Why are you so good at this? Tony wanted to ask, but he knew the answer. Barnes had a lot of scars as evidence.

Tony wanted to see him for more than two weeks, worrying and blaming him, and here he was. Right in front of him, treating Tony's wound. Barnes's expression, his scent, his touch was so familiar, Tony just wanted to bury his face in him and go to sleep.

"Stop staring," Barnes said, his face a bit flushed.

"Ok."

Barnes lastly put a bandage on the wound and stepped back.

"So, We have to talk," Tony said and closed his eyes. He had a speech in mind.

I was worried you might die. We have some history, yes, but I don't want you dead. I'm sorry I was a dick. I know you hate shouting.

That's it. Tony opened his eyes to find Barnes's face flushed and desperate.

"We can talk later," Barnes closed their distance with wide quick steps and smashed his lips against Tony's, putting his arms around him and grazed on the fresh wound.

"Fuck, ow." Barnes jerked back, but Tony just dragged him in.

"Don't. It's fine. Come here," Tony opened Barnes's mouth, pushing his chin down with his finger, licked the inside of Barnes's mouth, feeling Barnes's moan vibrating in him. Barnes clung to him and shoved his finger in Tony's hair.

"Ow, fuck. Ow, ow, Why the fuck did I use the fucking... No. Come back, it's ok, just open your mouth and let me. Really, it's fine. Let me see you. Come here," Tony rambled.

"Bedroom, bedroom," Tony stopped Barnes from unzipping his pants and lead him to the bedroom, bumping on each other and on his wound on the way, moaning because of the pain and pleasure.

\--

They fucked like they were fighting. Tony got a massive bruise on his hips, arms, and back of his thighs in the shaped of Barnes's grip, bite marks all over that would last for at least a week, and Barnes scratched Tony's back so hard, he slept on his side for a couple days. And Tony should really go to medical because, during fucking, the bandage fell out, but before Barnes could stop him, Tony just pushed him down and slammed in him.

Barnes got his share of scars. He had to wear something that covered his neck for days because Tony kept sucking on him, Barnes's lips wore split, also because Tony wouldn't let him go. Tony left a bruise on his hips, slamming in with his whole body. Barnes would feel damp and open until the end of the next day because of how insistent Tony was at spreading him open.

After that, Tony was exhausted, no energy left, so Barnes got the wet towel, water, and took care of Tony's wound. Tony was dozing off when Barnes finished dressing his wound and asked quietly,

"What is this to you?" Barnes looked down at Tony's wound, fiddling with the end of the bandage.

"What is what?" Tony asked, his sleep gone at once.

"Is this just sex to you?" Barnes muttered.

Tony was struck. He thought their maximum would be talking about the incident, Tony apologizing and promising to never shout, Barnes, saying he'll be a little less reckless. And Barnes just threw a curveball at him.

Tony didn't know what to say, and the silence seemed to bother Barnes, so he pulled Barnes's arm, put him on his sides, and lay behind him, his front of the body touching Barnes's back.

"Is it?" Barnes asked again, and Tony bit his shoulder hard then licked down his spine.

Tony pushed his finger in Barnes to check. He felt it slick from lube and his come, it was so ludicrously filthy, a low grunt slipped out of him. He put two fingers in and thrust in and out of him slowly, spreading Barnes's cheek.

"Knee up," Tony rustled against Barnes's ear.

"I tried to find you," Tony said, pushing his finger in deep, savoring the broken moan he drew out of Barnes and the filthy squish sound of his finger spreading his hole.

"I asked Rogers. Got fucking scolded at by fucking Barton," Tony entered Barnes, this time slow and tender.

"It's, Aghh, too deep," Barnes cried out.

"Yeah? You want me to stop?" Tony asked, pushing Barnes's ass cheek together, and entered him agonizingly slowly but to the hilt, to the point, there was nothing left on his side.

"No, don't, please, stop," Barnes panted, poising hips back.

"Stop?" Tony grinned, pulling his cock back.

"No, no, back," Barnes put his arms back and grabbed Tony's ass to shoot forward.

"Babe, don't think. Just let me do it," Tony said against Barnes's shoulder and started to fuck him, raising the pace.

This was a rare position they did because Tony liked to see Barnes's face when they fuck, so they tended to end up in a boring position like missionary or Barnes on top, which was actually never ever boring. Tony liked fucking him from behind too, but he put some kind of reflective surface, so he could see him. 

This way, Barnes's face was a mystery, but he could feel him closely in his chest, listen to him, and feel him.

Tony felt Barnes getting close and put his palm over Barnes's mouth. Barnes knew what to do, and gave wet sloppy licks, which made Tony shudder. He put the spit covered hand on Barnes's cock, smirked when Barnes thrust in right on into the tight wet circle Tony made.

"You close?" Tony asked, nipping Barnes's neck.

Barnes nodded, once again thrusting in and back, from the tight circle to Tony's throbbing hot cock, whining low and long.

"You want to try?" Tony could feel Barnes's face heating. "Do it, you'll love it." Barnes moved his hips, first hesitantly, pushing in Tony's steady hand and then driving his hips back to Tony's cock. He gradually found his rhythm in such a lewd and willing movement, it took Tony's breath away. Barnes breathed hard, his breath sometimes hitching to a wild moan, and the sound they made. Ah, the wet slapping sound down there, it made even Tony blush.

"Harder?" Tony snapped his hips, and Barnes yelped, clenching around him, a delicious squeeze that made Tony give up the act and drive in sharp short thrusts.

"I looked, everywhere, to find, you," Tony emphasized each word with a thrust, Barnes's now limp body giving up the control to Tony to move as he wished.

"I hacked my own system," Tony stayed buried, grinding his hips to find his soft spot, and when Barnes shuddered, he pulled Barnes around for a sloppy, wet kiss.

"And broke everyone's privacy. I know so many secrets now. Friday's mad at me. Yeah, hold it up for me. Good," Tony hooked his elbow under Barnes's knee, spreading him further, getting ready for the last finish up.

"I need a second," Tony pulled his cock completely out, feeling Barnes clench up to not let him out and clicked his tongue. "Come on, don't be like that," He tucked his nose under Barnes's chin, pulled Barnes's leg further to see Barnes's hole, and rubbed the tip of his cock.

"You're doing that on purpose," Barnes complained, though he was mindlessly grinding himself on Tony's hand.

"What? I have a heart condition. I need to brace myself," Tony argued, at Barnes's glare, lazily putting just the tip of his cock in and out of Barnes. But actually, he loved how Barnes tensed up when he took a short break before fucking him to finish.

"You ok like this?" Tony asked, and Barnes turned to kiss Tony, biting Tony's lower lip hard at the end, giving a sharp look that fell apart as soon as Tony snapped his hips. Tony carried on, one goal in mind, make Barnes come and then get off. His balls slapped on Barnes's thighs loud, he kept the fast rhythm going. Barnes grabbed the sheet, rocking as Tony moves. Tony got his hand in, swore quietly at how slick his cock was, jerked Barnes off on the way.

"Yeah, sweetheart, you can do it," Tony said, his breath getting sharper. "Just let go, come." Barnes threw his head back, shuddering his whole body.

"Come, push it out, come for me, do it," Tony kept whispering praising words, and lastly, Tony felt Barnes come. His cock pulsed, one, two, three times and spilled on his hand, his hole fluttering. Barnes let out a moan that went on and on then stopped for a moment, his hole squeezing Tony up, then another one came out. Tony kept thrusting in, not shallow or gentle but with all his strength, full thrusts aiming directly at his prostate. Barnes's orgasm was particularly long, and Tony felt very proud of himself. 

"You ok?" Tony asked. And Barnes gave a small nod, his eyes shut. 

"Good," Tony was pulling out, he could take care of it, just watching Barnes come was enough for him to jerk off, but Barnes grabbed Tony and put it back in. 

"Ok?" Barnes asked.

"Ok," Tony answered and fucked him fast and rough, avoiding his prostate, but since Barnes yelped a couple times, he wasn't as accurate as he wanted to be. Barnes got unbelievably tight, and Tony came deep buried inside, feeling Barnes milking him with his muscles clenching beautifully.

Tony pulled out, moaning, but he didn't let go of Barnes, hugging tightly from behind. Barnes wriggled, but Tony held him tighter, keeping Barnes in his arms. His spent sensitive cock rubbing on Barnes's back and sweat and come sliding between them didn't feel great, but he had no intention to let go. He groaned as he licked the sweat off Barnes's neck, tangling their legs.

"I can't breathe," Barnes said.

"You can breathe. You're talking," Tony moved over and put his weight on Barnes more. Barnes groaned but didn't push Tony away.

"Don't you ever disappear on me like that," Tony bit hard on Barnes's shoulder, till Barnes whined. Tony traced the bright red mark with his finger.

"Don't be an asshole, then," Barnes murmured a bit later.

"I'll try," Tony said, kissing Barnes's top of the head.

"I gotta go," Barnes mumbled his voice heavy with sleep.

"Where?"

"My room."

"Just go to sleep," Tony murmured, watching Barnes's eyelids grow heavy. Tony watched Barnes doze off to sleep for a long time.

"I'm sorry," Tony said, stroking Barnes's hair.

\--

When Barnes asked,

"Is this just sex to you?"

Tony should've answered,

"Of course not. It's more than sex."

But he didn't.

\--

Barnes disappearing on Tony for two weeks, which felt like forever to him, was just a dry run for a much cruel later. Tony didn't know that at the time.


	19. Chapter 19

A loud bang and Tony spilled coffee all over the place.

"Oh, fuck. I have a heart condition. I told you to stop doing that," Tony complained.

Tony didn't have to turn around to know it was Romanov. This was why he never came to the communal kitchen. Sneaky little shits and fucking assholes, they were his permanent house guests.

"But you're such a lovely target," Romanov smirked.

At least he saved his pad from coffee, thank god.

"What do you want. You want something. Spit it out," Tony said, pouring more coffee.

"Barnes."

Tony looked up right away and saw Romanov raising her eyebrow. Fuck.

"What about him?" He said, after clearing his throat.

"He's in the tub."

"What?"

"He, is, in, the, tub. Bathtub," Romanov said, emphasizing every word.

Tony was completely lost, he thought he was having a stroke, and that was why he couldn't understand what the hell she was saying.

Romanov sighed.

"He's been in there for two days."

\--

A powerful winter storm hit New York two days ago, broke the record with a 40-inch snowfall. Though, it didn't affect Tony that much. There was no plan of a mission, their facilities in the city were tightly managed, so they were ok. And he was always in the workshop anyway. But he knew others were struggling, so he called Pepper to donate without SI's name tagged along, and he found out she already did.

Tony liked snow days only when he was inside. Outside, a nightmare. He looked down at the city from his penthouse, snow hiding the city's flaws with a thick layer of snow, painting the city white.

But while Tony was quietly enjoying the weather, Barnes had a panic attack.

Barnes didn't answer his calls, so Rogers, being Rogers, no privacy concerning his best friend, kicked the door down. He found Barnes lying in the tub, in the dark bathroom. Rogers tried to get him out, but Barnes just curled up inside. 

Rogers was an asshole, but at least he didn't get other people involved. What Rogers did was to threaten to get other people involved, so Barnes ate a little bit, drank water, and went back to his curled up position.

But day two came, and Rogers panic told Romanov. She sat with Barnes for a while and came to find Tony.

So, he was dead silent for all two days, but said to Rogers the first day,

"Don't tell Tony."

\--

Barnes was afraid of heights. The whole falling off the train and getting captured and being a killing machine for years, that was a credible reason for his fear.

Their missions always involved 'going somewhere' so Barnes couldn't avoid taking the jet. When he was, he got all pale and stiff, looked like he was on his way to his death. Tony and Steve tried to make him comfortable. Talk, food, games, reading, movies, skin to skin contact. The last one Tony did in the secure private room. Nothing worked. Tony ended up giving him strong medication that knocked him out so he would pass out during the flight.

When Barnes came to the penthouse on rare occasions, Tony closed the blinds, but he did notice Barnes avoiding the window side of the bed.

His fear of height, Tony knew that. He understood that.

But snow? This was new.

Tony felt his chest tighten, but he didn't go to Barnes. Barnes didn't want him there, and he should respect his wishes. After all, he was eating and drinking by Rogers's threat. He would live.

\--

But Tony found himself in front of Barnes's door. Rogers did a great job at destroying the door. Tony was going to send a bill.

"Friday, tell him I'm here," Tony said.

"Sir, Seargent Barnes has declined your request."

Fuck.

"Ok."

\--

Two hours later, Tony came back. This time with Barnes's favorite snack, Oreos. God damn it.

Tony fed him all kinds of decadent, expensive desserts flew in from all around the world, but Barnes stuck to Oreos. Tony researched a bit and found out Oreos had a long history. When Barnes was young, he didn't get it that often, but he said it was sweet and crispy and soft, and it made him happy. Tony had to watch him split it and lick the stuffing. He didn't like sweets, but he licked it off of Barnes too many times. 

Tony was planning to give him this next check-up and make a fucking night of it, but he needed to use his weapon now.

"Friday, tell him I'm here." 

"Seargent Barnes has declined your request."

"Tell him I have double stuff Oreos."

A beat.

"Seargent Barnes has confirmed your request."

Tony went in.

\--

Tony found out Barnes didn't know about the existence of Double Stuf Oreos, which made sense. Barnes never walked around a grocery. He loved sweets, but he didn't actively google it, because Tony would provide one each week. Barnes didn't talk, so the others didn't know about his terrible sweet tooth. Tony liked that. Only he knew about Barnes's horrible taste.

Tony got a couple of boxes, which involved an embarrassing incident of him loudly repeating to his grocery guy, 'Not regular, it has to be double stuff!' thinking, is this worth it? Then admitting to himself, it is. 

So, this hard-earned 'Double Stuf Oreo,' he was planning to give him this week.

Tony got his ok pass and walked in. He understood immediately.

Barnes's two-bedroom apartment had a massive window wall that looked out on the city. It was on the 3rd floor, yes, fear of heights, but nevertheless, a pretty great view. The snowstorm was heavy today, yesterday's snow hadn't melted at all. The outside looked like a white void, just pure white.

Tony closed the curtains, sick of the overwhelming white.

The bathroom's door was slightly open, the inside, pitch dark.

"Don't come in," Barnes murmured.

"Ok," Tony sat next to the door, took a peek inside. Too dark to see straight, but Barnes was inside the tub, curled up, turning his back on the door.

"Did you eat something?"

No answer.

"I brought your sweets."

Nothing.

"You're going to stay in there forever?"

Nope.

Tony sighed and rubbed his forehead. Was Tony really going to tell him this?

"You know Bora Bora? I don't. I do have an island near. I was going to spend the weekend there with a girl I was dating. Very sexy. Very talented in bed," Tony heard Barnes's muffled snort and continued.

"And I don't know. When we got off the jet, right on the beach, I saw sand, and just got back in. I never went there again." 

Tony took a deep breath. He never told this to anyone. The girl didn't notice. She was high. The pilot, the employees on the island, was legally bound to NDA and thought Tony had a work thing. He told Pepper he didn't like the heat. No one knew this.

"I know you read my files," Tony said after a while.

"I didn't."

"Don't lie."

"I skimmed it."

"You know what happened to me in Afghanistan? There was so much sand and... I..." Tony couldn't go on, so he took a deep breath to calm down, which didn't really work that well.

"You can come in," Barnes said quietly.

Tony went right in the bathtub and lay next to him. The tub was too small to fit a super-soldier and a regular man. But Tony just crammed himself in, turning Barnes toward him.

"You're too big for this," Tony said, placing Barnes's head to rest on his chest.

"It was fine when I was alone," Barnes complained but nestled in him.

"You look terrible, by the way."

Tony stroked Barnes's arm slowly and held his hand.

"God, why are you always so cold?" Tony said, rubbing Barnes's hand on his.

"I'm not."

Tony turned the water on. Barnes protested, but Tony just held him and waited for the hot water to warm him. 

It would be better if they were naked, then Tony thought, why not? And he took his wet clothes off and Barnes's too. Barnes didn't help, lay there, trying to be difficult. But he didn't know how creative Tony could be. Tony just ripped it off of him.

Skin to skin was way better, immensely better. Barnes seemed to like it too. Tony felt his stiffness melting away gradually, and Barnes huddled on him. 

Tony stroked Barnes's wet hair mindlessly, then Barnes raised his head and kissed him. The small space didn't give them any leeway. It was too dark, they bumped their noses, and teeth but found each other soon. They kissed lazily, floating in warm water. Sometimes it got heated, Barnes hungrily pushing back, reaching to touch his cock, but Tony batted his hand away and disappeared into Barnes's mouth again. Licking and sucking possessively, wanting to just keep Barnes as his own and not let go.

They kissed and touched but didn't fuck in the tub. When the water cooled down, Tony would turn on hot water. They stayed way after their hand pruned.

Tony was dozing off when Barnes just, suddenly stood up and got out, taking the Oreos on the floor with him.

They did fuck that night. Tony had to pry the fucking Oreos out of Barnes's hands and mouth and throw it away so they could finally fuck. Barnes's mouth tasted like cocoa powder and sweet shortening, both Tony's least favorite, but he cleaned and sucked it out of his mouth, resulting in Tony feeling sweet in his mouth till the next day. Tony didn't like the taste, but Barnes did, so Tony did have some fun that night with Barnes's Double Stuf Oreos.

\--

Tony asked while wiping Barnes off,

"You don't like this apartment, do you?"

Barnes nodded.

"Then find somewhere else you like," Tony said.

Somewhere else, you feel safe.

\--

Tony woke up in the middle of the night. Barnes wasn't there.

Not uncommon. Usually, Barned left during the night, but this was his room.

Tony asked Friday where he was, then grabbed Barnes's coat and ran outside.

\--

Barnes was at the door to the balcony.

Barefoot, only wearing thin pajamas. He was standing on the edge of the door, one hand on the door, hesitating, pondering whether he should go outside or not.

Tony watched him from behind. He couldn't see Barnes's face, but he could guess. 

Tony's mouth dried up, and he thought breathlessly, this was a very private moment for Barnes. Barnes might not want Tony to see him. He should leave.

But Tony couldn't move.

Barnes looked farther, heavy snow falling silently in front of him. The balcony was covered with last day's storm, packed to knee-high hight. And Barnes stepped out.

Tony felt a lump in his throat, watching Barnes standing in the snow. His heart began to pound hard.

After a while, Barnes turned back, his face light, and found Tony watching. 

Tony would never forget the image.

Barnes, standing in the snow, his nose, cheeks, hands pink, snow in his hair and clothes, and beaming at him.

Tony went to him, put his coat on his shoulders. Barnes's face and lips were cold, so Tony warmed it up with his hands and mouth.

\--

Tony felt heavy in his chest when he left Barnes's room.

He thought to himself, the day's gentle bond between them was just because they both experienced traumatic events.

It was not.


	20. Chapter 20

They were doing the simulation drill.

Apparently, for Rogers, daily 7-hour non-stop training wasn't enough.  
Rogers was the kind of guy who always tried to prepare for the worst, which sometimes ended up calling for more trouble. It was like he was actively searching for something to go wrong. Rogers was going to kill us all someday, with an apologetic smile and some noble cause, Tony thought.

Tony said it wasn't going to work. When pretend enemies are your coworkers, in the safe bunker, it was more like role-playing with toys. In the field, there were too many unpredictable, irregular things happening, and that was what made it dangerous.

Tony meant to stop this ridiculous plan, mock Rogers on the way, but Rogers took it as a suggestion, asked him to do some tinkering with their equipment, which drove Tony crazy. Rogers nagged, and Tony finally surrendered, yes.

It wasn't hard — false explosions here, some weapons malfunctioning there. Tony was now the tech guy, so he sucked it up and did the work.

\--

On the day of the drill, Tony got a little excited. It would be fun to watch the Avengers run around for no reason.

Tony wasn't going to do it, of course. He would oversee the tech team in an air-conditioned room. Tony even brought popcorn just to infuriate Rogers.

Rogers did it first. Romanov second. They sweated and bled. Rogers' arm was on fire for a moment. Romanov almost broke her leg. Tony thought maybe it was a bit too much. Perhaps he should put an end to this.

And then, Barnes came in fully clothed in a black combat suit, looking great.

Tony was intrigued.

About a month ago, Barnes saved his life. They had that huge fight because of that, but Tony had to admit, Barnes at the field was impressive. Every time Barnes did a mission, Tony was astonished by how strong and smart he was. And the choices he made, the unpredictable, sudden decisions that he performed naturally like breathing, programmed in him by years and years of fighting, it was admirable.

Although Barnes's deeply embedded habit delivered results, acting alone, and disobeying orders was a definite problem that Rogers and Tony both worried. Recently Tony noticed Rogers yelling at him about it and Barnes walking out on him a few times, which kind of made him happy. It was better than them huddled up and whispering something only they knew with warm intimacy.

When Barnes smiled at Rogers, he beamed in a way he never showed to Tony. His eyes wrinkled, and the corner of his mouth slid up, making him look so so very young. Tony understood that it was because they were friends from an early age, but it was annoying, nonetheless. It brushed Tony in the wrong way, and on those days, Tony made Barnes beg in bed and spend the night at his place as if that would work.

Yes, Tony saw him fight, but what he saw was mostly results. They were sometimes in close proximity, but Tony was busy taking down enemies himself, and debriefing didn't tell the whole story.

Tony wondered about the process of his decisions, and there were enough traps and ploys, so this was the chance to really see him.

Maybe after Barnes, he would make his point to Rogers, he thought.

And that was a mistake.

Barnes was impressive. He was fast and moved efficiently and elegantly. He passed almost every ploy Tony made, some of which even Romanov didn't notice, taking down enemies one by one with ease. 

Barnes had some anxiety about the new would, of course, and was nervous and alert around people, because he didn't trust easily. So Barnes always hid to the background.

But here, Barnes just thrived. Comfortable and confident. Tony watched him with awe, then he noticed something.

Barnes didn't even flinch when he shot Rogers. It was a fake gun, but it would hurt when shot at point-blank. Barnes knew that. When he was out of ammo, he used some poor guy as a shield, crossed over to Romanov, who he killed immediately, got her gun, and shot at the bomb Tony planted.

Everyone was down. If this were a real-life situation, probably Barnes would also be badly burnt. Barnes didn't care, as long as the mission is complete.

Tony now knew why Barnes was mission success rate was so alarmingly high. He didn't think about anything but the mission. Every other thing was collateral damage, which he didn't care about. 

It was a disturbing but excellent quality in their business. Barnes was a bit cruel but did a great clean job. Tony was about to tell Rogers to shut it down when he saw Barnes's face, and his stomach dropped.

It wasn't Barnes's familiar face Tony knew. It was Winter Soldier's.

Indifferent, detached, lifeless, blank.

No emotion, like a machine.

Suddenly, something hit him, and Tony couldn't help but think,

So that was what his mother saw right before she died.

The alarm went off.

Barnes looked at Rogers and became the Barnes Tony knew. His expression was back. It was like his switch was on. The transition was perfect, even admirable if Tony didn't feel like he was going to vomit.

Rogers laughed, punched Barnes arm once, got up, regrouped, and they were ready for Barton.

Tony left.

\--

Tony stomped into the workshop and paced around the room, trying to breathe and calm down. Barnes's face didn't leave his mind.

That void. That emptiness.

Where did his first plan go? Tony got lazy, too comfortable, and content with Barnes in his life, he forgot what this should be. No, he wanted to forget. Just because the fuck was good, and Barnes smiled at him a couple of times? Just because Barnes acted like he was confused and felt guilty? Was that vulnerability real? How could he let his guard down so completely?

Tony let his guard down because Barnes was different when he was with Tony. Vulnerable, hesitant, thus harmless.

But all the time, Barnes had that face hidden in him, didn't show it to Tony.

Tony couldn't trust him.

Tony threw Barnes's check-up chair at the glass door. The glass shattered all over the place, cutting Tony's cheek and hand. It stung and bled, but he didn't care.

He checked the time. The drill was probably over. And fuck, it was Barnes's regular check-up day. Tony ordered mild Mexican food and coffee-flavored ice-cream for dinner. Tony thought since he liked coffee and Barnes liked sweets, so maybe this time they could share.

Tony's laugh was bitter. What the fuck was he thinking?

Tony's first instinct was to fuck off, cut Barnes entirely out of his life. But then he thought, no, he wasn't going to let Barnes lose like that. It would be too easy.

Tony was going to push him until he sees that void. Let's see how much he could take with his sweet face.

Tony took out all the toys he bought after their thing started. Some of it, Tony bought it as a joke. Because when he showed it to Barnes, he squirmed and blushed, which made Tony laugh.

Tony bought it but didn't use it a lot because he thought it was too cruel. Sex should be enjoyable, maybe a little rough sometimes for fun, but never painful.

But as it turns out, Barnes made Tony see the other side of himself.

\--

Barnes arrived five minutes before their appointment, got surprised at the broken glass, instantly searched for Tony.

Barnes's hair was still wet, and his face was flushed, his breathing uneven. He took a shower and hurried down. The fact that his shampoo and body wash's scent was so painfully familiar made Tony clench his fist.

"What happened?" Barnes carefully checked to see if the cut is deep and sighed when he found out it was just a scratch. 

When Barnes turned around to find the first-aid kit, Tony dragged him to the bedroom and threw him on the bed.

"Do you want a safe word?" Tony climbed on Barnes and looked down at him. It was the face he knew. Frowning, confused, trying to figure him out.

"Huh?"

"I'm asking you again, do you want a safe word?" Tony said as he ripped off Barnes's pants and briefs. 

Does he know what a safe word is? Tony thought.

"No, I don't want a safe word," Barnes looked up at Tony with wide eyes.

Fuck it. Barnes was getting a safe word.

What would make Barnes suffer the most?

Barnes didn't talk a lot while fucking, but the most used word was 'please.' And Tony would make him beg tonight. Let him beg without his pretty 'please's.

"Your safe word is 'please.' Got it? You say the word, then I'll stop."

Barnes seemed baffled but accepted.

"OK."

\--

And the night began.

Tony tied Barnes's wrists and ankles to each corner of the bed, spread wide, his body open and vulnerable.

But was it? Was he really vulnerable?

This time Tony didn't leave any slack. Barnes looked nervous, but he didn't ask, let Tony tie him up. But Tony saw Barnes checking how tight the bound is.

After tying him spreadeagle, face-up, Tony just walked around the bed, making Barnes wait.

How much time would it take for Barnes to get the rope off and attack him?

Tony sat between Barne's open legs and stared at him quietly. Barnes blushed and tried to close his legs, but Tony didn't let him, with one hand he spread his cheeks and with the other stroked Barnes's soft cock.

Barnes didn't get hard quickly, and it irritated him. Tony spat on his palm, it's sound obscenely loud in the quiet room and stroked him intensely. The dry friction made Barnes whimper and try to move away.

Tony slapped him hard across his face. Barnes looked at him, stunned, the slap mark red on his cheek. Tony was surprised himself, but he pushed.

"Do. Not. Test me today," Tony said with an ice-cold gaze.

Barnes looked at him like he wanted to ask why but didn't.

Good, because Tony was never going to tell.

When Barnes goy half hard, Tony got the vibrator and lube, considered using it dry, and he did. Barnes was tight and wouldn't budge, but Tony shoved it harder with force.

When it finally disappeared into Barnes' hole, Tony then pressed the lube it right into Barnes' hole. Barnes's groan was leaning into pained sound, but at least his cock was fully hard now.

Tony pushed his finger in to find Barnes's prostate and adjusted the vibrator on it.

"Come now," Tony ordered, putting the vibrator on the highest speed.

Barnes shook his whole body when he came untouched.

That was one.

\--

Before Barnes recovered, Tony forced his cock in Barnes's mouth. Barnes's mouth was dry, but Tony pushed in completely until Barnes gagged. He split Barnes's jaw open and fucked in ruthlessly. Barnes tried to breathe through his nose, didn't work.

Only when Barnes's face turned red, Tony pulled out. Barnes coughed, trying to breathe. Tony gave him five seconds and shoved it in again. 

Barnes looked up at him with his eyes pleading. Tony closed his eyes to shut him off and kept thrusting.

It took some time, but eventually, Barnes adjusted and managed to give him a decent blowjob. Barnes was mouth got wet, warm, and the sound of him sucking made Tony's legs weak. When Tony's balls tightened, he pulled out to come all over Barnes's face.

Covered with sweat, spit, and cum, Barnes tugged the rope a little.

Barnes thought it was over, which was far from Tony's plan.

The night was young, and Tony was going to drag it out.

\--

Then, Tony used the whip.

The whip marked blood-red scar all over Barnes's body. But Barnes didn't even make a sound.

So, to make him react, Tony used the vibrator again. Another one that was a bit bigger and vibrated more. This time with lube, Tony pushed it deep and put it on low. Barnes let out a soft moan and arched his hips. He was overstimulated already, though his cock twitched at the stimulation.

Tony knew how Barnes liked it, and within a minute of jerking him off, he was fully hard again.

Tony whipped Barnes' inner thigh. No reaction.

Tony hit harder again and again until Barnes sighed a groan. When the whipping got too harsh, Barnes almost lost his boner, but Tony put the vibrator on high, making it drool right away.

"You are going to come like this."

Barnes looked confused. Everything was too much, but not enough for him to come.

But Tony insisted. Again. Whip. Vibrator. Quick jerk off. Whip. Vibrator. Quick jerk off.

Tony started to wonder if he had to whip until Barnes bleeds.

"You can just say the safe word, and this will all end."

Barnes shook his head. Tony watched Barnes struggling to come, the line between pain and pleasure blurs.

Barnes kept his eyes on Tony. Every time he whipped, or the vibrator was too hard, Barnes winced and groaned, but when Tony put his hand on his cock, he pushed his hip upward, chasing Tony's hand and finally came.

Tony jerked him off viciously even after he came. Barnes clenched his teeth, trying to stay still.

That's two.

\--

After Barnes came down from his painful orgasm, Tony let Barnes drink some water and said, "We're not done."

Tony thought he caught in Barnes's eyes, a moment of dread.

Tony got a rubber dildo and pushed it in Barnes to stretch him. At least this won't vibrate. He took pity on Barnes.

Playing with Barnes's nipples was one of the things Tony liked the most. Sucking his cock or thrusting into him, Tony could get rough and wild. But he was gentle with his nipples. It was such a tender skin, Tony watched not to irritate too much. Used the flat of his tongue, and kissed it softly, rubbed it slowly with his fingers, careful not to get his nails on it. Bit it to get his attention but not too hard.

Maybe the fascination was because Tony slept with more women than men. Compared to a woman's breast, Barnes's was just a small circle, how could that little thing make a person shudder and jump? Then Barnes would come at Tony's with the same tactic, and he would forget everything.

This time Tony abused it until it was puffed red and hot. Under Tony's touch, Barnes bent his body, curling his toes helplessly. Tony checked and saw Barnes's cock soft. Even super soldiers couldn't come that soon.

Though Tony's cock got hard, so he decided to fuck him. He put a pillow under Barnes back, pulled the rubber cock out at once.

Before Tony fucked him, he grunted,

"Just say it."

Barnes didn't.

Tony slammed in hard and fast, brutally thrusting into Barnes's soft spot. Barnes's cock jerked as he moved, yet he didn't get hard.

"Say it."

Tony stopped and sucked Barnes's neck, collarbone, nipples. Barnes let out a sharp breath and leaned into the touch, silently looking at him. It felt intimate again. Tony hated it, so he pushed in harder.

Tony never pushed Barnes this far, this hard, this long. Barnes pulled the rope, his wrists now bleeding, not knowing what to do, pleasure and pain driving him out of his mind.

Tony couldn't bear watching his lost and hurt look, so he hid his face on the pillow beside Barnes, got completely on top of him, his stomach flush with Barnes's and just slammed in with his hips, their whole body touching, slick with sweat and cum.

Tony didn't want to see Barnes. His eyes. His moans.

It was just a body, just a hole he was fucking.

"Tony," Barnes begged.

"Say the word or shut the fuck up," Tony snapped.

Tony closed his eyes and picked up the pace. Just a hole, Tony thought. Barnes clenched his teeth, no sound was coming from him except his breath hitching when Tony pushed too far.

Tony fucked like that for what felt like hours. He was getting light-headed and tired when he heard Barnes breathe,

"Pl.. Can I...?"

It was like waking up. Suddenly Barnes was there with his familiar face. But Barnes's cock was soft.

Tony snapped his hips once to see how Barnes react. Barnes grabbed the rope hard, trying so hard not to make a sound, his stomach and his chest trembling.

Tony considered not giving him permission, but Barnes's desperate look intrigued him. He wanted to see how it goes.

"Come."

Tony raised Barnes's hips up and slammed in intensely, making Barnes struggle to breathe. Barnes came again this time totally dry. Nothing came out, but Barnes's thigh spasmed, and he shook his whole body hard.

It was more than he could handle.

That was three.

\--

After Barnes came, Tony fucked him brutally. Barnes jerked every time Tony thrust in but waited patiently.

The last few thrusts were almost violent, full-body slam. Tony came and came until it felt like there was nothing more left. Tony couldn't move for a moment, hanging on Barnes's pelvis, feeling like he was falling. His cock was softening inside Barnes, then Barnes squeezed his insides gently to wake him up.

Tony lay beside Barnes. Both of them tried to catch their breaths, coming down from their high. Tony turned to see Barnes, his heart pounding. Barnes's forehead was damp with sweat, his hair disheveled, wildly spread everywhere. Tony swept it back, ran his fingers through his hair, and Barnes leaned into the touch.

His face was still Tony's Barnes's.

Barnes was pliant, and after all this, sweet. But Tony remembered the face buried in him. How much does he have to do to see that again? How much could Barnes take before he snaps and takes over?

Tony pulled Barnes's hair hard till Barnes whined.

It wasn't over.

\--

Before number four, Tony took a break. He cut the rope, let Barnes free, and gave him a towel to wipe his face and body.

Barnes whispered, "Why?"

Tony ignored him and said bluntly, "Lie face down."

Barnes obeyed.

\--

Tony used a simple handcuff to tie Barnes's hands, then blindfolded Barnes with his torn-up t-shirt.

This made Barnes freeze.

"Tony, I don't…"

"I told you. Say the safeword or shut the fuck up."

Another toy in his ass, buzzing quietly, Barnes waited on his stomach. Tony played with the toy's settings, watching Barnes flinch and groan at the sensation while drinking scotch.

Barnes reacted to every little sound. Tony walked around the bed, looking down at Barnes's back, whip marks clearly visible.

After a while, Barnes murmured, his voice weak,

"Where are you?"

Tony poured his scotch on Barnes's back, saw him jerk violently.

"Just say the word," Tony said.

Tony climbed onto Barnes and licked the scotch clean and down his spine, massaging his tense muscles with both hands, all the way to his bottom. Barnes was much more sensitive now that he's blindfolded. His breath hitched every time Tony touched him and got anxious when the touch stopped. When Tony stopped, Barnes frantically tried to find Tony's hand by arching his back up, which made Tony clench his teeth and dive back. Tony never saw him this vocal, but well, he never pushed him this far.

Tony stuffed his face in Barnes and brutally ate him out. He used all the tricks he knew. Used the tip of his tongue to draw circles around it, flicked it while blowing hot and cool, sucked the flesh loudly around the hole, kissed the inner thighs and ass to make him wait, and when Barnes cried out, shaking, he licked firmly with a broad flat tongue and did not stop.

Barnes lost it when Tony pushed his tongue in him. He squirmed to escape, but Tony spread him strong with both hands and thrust his tongue in and out, putting pressure on his perineum, listening to Barnes sob. Tony could see that Barnes wanted to plead, beg "Please," but couldn't say the word.

Tony stuck his tongue in there until he was dripping with spit, and Barnes screamed his voice hoarse.

Then pulled Barnes's hair back, watched his face, and thought, when are you going to stop me?

Tony spilled lube on Barnes's hole directly, then pushed two fingers in. Barnes got fucked and had a dildo in him. Plus, Tony licked him until he ruined his voice, so he took Tony's fingers smoothly. Tony pushed his hand under him to found Barnes's cock hard, wet, dripping with precome.

Tony came a bit earlier, so it should be challenging to get hard again, but watching Barnes's revealing his want openly got him hard embarrassingly quickly. Tony is a middle-aged man, getting hard twice in a row should be hard, but Barnes made it happen.

Barnes on his stomach, flat on the bed with his legs together, and Tony fucking down into him. It was a position they did only a few times. The angle hit his soft spot right on. Barnes came fast and said it was too intense for him. Barnes didn't like it, so they didn't do it.

Tony spread his cheeks and rubbed Barnes's hole with the tip of his cock. Pushing just the tip in and out, watching Barnes shivering and grabbing the sheets. Then he sunk in quickly till he was about half inside Barnes and growled,

"I can stop, right now, tell me if you want to stop."

Barnes stayed silent for a moment then raised his hip up, swallowing Tony entirely in him. He moved his hips up and down, fucking himself on Tony's cock, like a dog in heat. So shameless, something Barnes would never do.

"Finish it," Barnes murmured, his voice muffled.

Tony fucked him with his hands splayed across Barnes's lower back. Barnes buried his face in the sheets, every sound coming out of him muffled. Tony didn't like that, so he yanked Barnes's hair back hard.

"Can I come?" Barnes panted, mixed with a moan.

"Yes," Tony fucked him harder, grabbed his hair back harder, pushed his hand on Barnes's back harder, everything harder to make him come but,

"Touch me," Barnes inhaled sharply and begged.

Tony flipped Barnes on his back, feeling Barnes's legs instinctively wrapping around him. He sunk in again and brushed his hand on Barnes's cock. After only a handful of thrusts, Barnes came all over himself.

Tony watched in awe, how intense Barnes was feeling it. He came in short spurts on his chest and on Tony, his cock throbbing. Tony gave Barnes some time to catch his breath and saw Barnes's cock didn't soften at all. Tony stroked him mindlessly, and he spilled again on Tony's hand, moaning and shuddering like he was dying. Barnes clenched his teeth tight, and Tony rubbed his jaw, worried he would break it. But Barnes turned his head away.

Tony watched Barnes coming down from his intense bliss, when Barnes squeezed, raised his hips to slam on Tony's cock.

"Do it," Barnes said, his teeth clenched.

Tony lost himself on the pressure, the squeeze, drunk on Barnes. When he came, his orgasm hit him like a storm, his vision shattering, Tony collapsed on Barnes. He felt Barnes gently helping him until Tony was actively shuddering. When Tony just sat up to check Barnes,

Barnes blacked out.

That was four.

\--

Tony was sitting at his desk watching Barnes passed out.

Barnes was a mess. They were both a mess.

Barnes was asleep for 15 minutes. When it gets to 20, Tony was going to wake him up and fuck him again.

Barnes looked exhausted. Tony already made him come four times. And yes, he blacked out.

Tony promised once that he'd make Barnes come so hard, he'd blackout. He didn't think it would happen this way.

Barnes didn't expect this night to go like this. He looked younger when he sleeps. Maybe Tony should stop.

But Tony remembered the face. The blank expression, void of any emotion.

\--

When Tony woke Barnes up, he panicked and tried to remove his blindfold. Barnes tried to break free, and it wouldn't take long.

"If you break that, it's over."

Barnes visibly tried to calm down at Tony's voice.

Tony poured cold lube all over Barnes's body, making him shout and shake at the impact. Then Tony put a generous amount of lube on himself, rubbed it on his stomach, and thighs.

Tony couldn't fuck him again. He was spent, utterly fucked out. Tony lay on top of Barnes, every inch of their body touching and started to roll on Barnes slowly. Skin on skin, warm and soft. It was slow and quiet compared to what they did all night.

Tony held Barnes's cock and rubbed it against his skin, warming it up. It took some time, but Tony felt it getting interested. He leaned down to kiss Barnes. Barnes flinched at the first touch on his lips, then opened his mouth with a sigh. Tony kissed Barnes slowly, and when he tilted his head for better access, he grazed on the blindfold and found it wet. Tony froze.

"Don't."

Barnes said as he licked the inside of Tony's mouth, deepening the kiss.

Tony placed Barnes's cock between his thighs and let Barnes thrust, squeezed his muscles tight. Barnes asked if he can come, his cock hardening.

As soon as Tony said, yes, Barnes came moaning into Tony's mouth. Tony swallowed Barnes's moan and rubbed his arms and legs, waiting for Barnes to come back.

\--

Tony took the blindfold off.

It was Barnes, Tony's Barnes, looking at him with his eyes wet. His voice hitched when he said,

"I don't care what you do to me. But no blindfold."

"You can say, Please, now."

"No blindfold. Please."

Tony unlocked the handcuff. Barnes couldn't move, so Tony got a wet towel, cleaned Barnes up. 

Tony found the first aid kit, disinfected, and put some ointment on Barnes's scrapped wrist and ankles. It'll be gone in a few days, Barnes heals fast.

Tony wanted to change the sheets, so he woke Barnes up, made him wait in the chair, and changed it quickly. When Tony was done, Barnes was already dozing off in the chair. When Tony put him back on the bed, Barnes passed out right away.

\--

Tony took a long, hot shower.

Why didn't he just say the word?

Why didn't Barnes stop him?

Tony could've killed him like that.

Where's this blind trust coming from?

\--

Tony drank whiskey while watching Barnes, thinking he should wake him up. Barnes should take a shower, eat something, take some painkillers, and then rest again.

Barnes was naked. Tony couldn't dress him up by himself. He briefly imagined calling Rogers to dress up his best friend, who Tony just abused fucked to sleep and thought, Rogers really might kill him. Considering the guilt that was filling him, Tony could leave that as an option.

The room was chilly. Tony emptied his glass and put a blanket on him.

Tony touched the scars he made, and Barnes woke up in full soldier mode, ready to fight.

"Go back to sleep," Tony mumbled, and Barnes drifted back to sleep as if he was following his orders.

Tony lay beside him, watched Barnes's back, his old scars, wondering what happened and how old the scar might be.

Tony thought, "Just a few minutes" and fell asleep.

\--

Tony woke up in the morning, sucking in an urgent breath. It felt like he had a nightmare, and he found Barnes sleeping next to him, curled up in a tight ball, Tony's bite and whip mark hard to miss.

Yeah, that happened. Much worse than a nightmare.

It started raining.

Tony did some work. He was exhausted though, his whole body felt weak, so he slept about an hour in the afternoon on the workshop couch. He didn't want to wake Barnes up. Then went back to work. After sundown, he ate, watched some news, and then checked in again. Barnes was sound asleep, breathing evenly.

Tony wanted to let him sleep, but it had been more than twelve hours. Tony sat on the bed, put his hand on Barnes's shoulder. Barnes didn't wake up but instead whimpered, murmuring something.

God damn it. He looks...

"Come on. Wake up."

Barnes opened his eyes, immediately looked alert, but as soon as he realized it was Tony, he slumped his shoulder.

"You have to eat something. What do you want?"

"Anything's fine," Barnes said, his voice hoarse.

"Choose."

Tony waited for Barnes to choose.

"You want Pancakes?" Tony asked when it was clear Barnes's mind was blank.

It was one of Barnes's favorite. Barnes nodded. Fucking sweet tooth.

"OK. Go take a shower."

While Barnes was in the shower, Tony ordered some breakfast food. It arrived just in time Barnes came out the shower. He had just a towel on, showing the apparent bruises and scars. Tony remembered he ripped Barnes was clothes off yesterday.

"Sit down. I'll get you some clothes."

Tony got the largest t-shirt and trousers he could find, and thought, maybe he should get some that fit Barnes since this was happening quite often.

Tony watched with his arms crossed, Barnes putting the clothes on then sitting, looking at the dish. He was waiting for Tony to give permission.

"Eat."

Barnes ate slowly, having a hard time swallowing. His throat hurt from yesterday's fuck.

Tony should've ordered something soft like soup. Tony wasn't planning to eat, but the food smelled good, so he ate.

After a while, Tony asked,

"Why didn't you just say the word?"

Barnes looked at him, his eyes clear.

"Because you didn't want me to."

They ate in silence.

\--

Tony handed Barnes a bottle of painkillers. He didn't know how much a super-soldier needs. Barnes took two.

Tony pushed Barnes to the bedroom and made him lie down.

Barnes hesitated then tried to undress. When he put his hand on his shirt, Tony said, "Just sleep."

The look Barnes gave was almost filled with gratitude.

\--

Tony learned much later that while in the custody of Hydra, when Barnes wasn't on a mission, they always blindfolded him. It was much easier to control him that way.

Barnes felt powerless and was scared with the blindfold on. Because Barnes couldn't see anything, scientists got bolder, hence their experiments got harsher. And then came the endless pain and suffering.

When he wasn't with Tony, Barnes slept with the lights on.


	21. Chapter 21

Next time Barnes comes to the workshop, it’s as if nothing has happened.

Barnes doesn’t ask. Tony doesn’t apologize.

In the bedroom, Tony takes Barnes’s clothes off and sees the scars he made. Should he ignore it? Kiss it? Push on it till he squirms? Tony can’t decide, and Barnes puts his t-shirt back on.

It’s different, Tony’s naked and Barnes is clothed. After all those times they’ve fucked, there are still things that they haven’t done, something new. Tony likes that.

They lie on the bed and kiss until their lips get numb and jerk each other off slowly. Barnes comes first, then Tony follows.

Tony puts his hand under Barnes’s shirt and touches his scars. Barnes’s body is warm, sleepy warm, which Tony likes. Barnes's skin is smooth to the touch, but Tony can tell where it hurts by looking at Barnes’s face. He winces a bit when Tony touches where it’s tender but lets him do it anyway.

Tony wants to grab him and shout.

“Why? Why are you like this? Why aren’t you running away??”

They acted as if nothing has happened, but it did happen.

And everything changed.

\-- 

Since the beginning, he tried not to think about why Barnes is in this.

Tony had a hard time straightening out his motive for crying out loud.

Thinking about Barnes’s reason, it complicates things. So, Tony just pushed it away.

But he can’t do that anymore.

Tony thinks, maybe Barnes is lonely, wants sex, company. But Tony’s the worst possible option for him, and he’s a shit company. And Barnes can probably have anyone he wants.

Maybe Hydra fucked him up that good. He gets attracted to open hostility. Violence and sex. Connect those two and manipulate him.

But if that’s the reason, this thing should’ve ended months ago. Because Tony stopped being… hostile months ago.

Self-destruction comes to mind. Barnes was depressed. And Tony tried to kill him and failed, so maybe he wanted to give Tony another chance.

Guilt? Saw what Tony wanted, and decided to give him until he dries out.

Maybe Barnes is just too damaged to sort out a reason.

Tony can’t figure out, but one thing’s clear.

Every reason he can think of is the worst possible one. Whatever Barnes’s reason is, Tony’s fucked.

Because Tony’s falling for him.

\-- 

And since Tony’s fucked up, their thing goes to shit. Tony pushes Barnes away and when he’s out of sight, gets anxious and pulls him back. Tony keeps his distance, ignores Barnes, quick fuck and makes him leave, or he huddles over Barnes, long extended fucks until Barnes begs, and stops him from leaving the workshop, spoils him with food and clothes.

Tony can see Barnes is confused. Barnes doesn’t know how to handle Tony’s mood swings. Tony finds Barnes watching him, trying to figure him out. He can’t because even Tony can’t figure himself out. But Barnes is obedient and tender as ever, which makes Tony frustrated and act out more.

\-- 

Tony’s not proud of what he does next. It is low, cheap, childish, and simply just an asshole-move. When Barnes comes to the workshop, Tony’s working and a half-naked Calvin Klein model is hanging around. Barnes startles. Tony doesn’t introduce the model.

“I've got a thing after this. Let’s get it over with.”

Barnes hesitates and says, “I can come back later.”

“No, it’s fine. Come on.”

Barnes gets his arm checked out, while the model drinks his beer, watching them. As soon as the check-up’s done, Barnes leaves.

The model’s name is Rick, and he’s been Tony’s kind of a friend for a few years. Rick is straight. Tony checked, a couple of times. Rick puts his clothes back on and says,

“You’re a fucking asshole.”

“Fuck you.” Tony grits, the look on Barnes’s face not leaving his mind.

\-- 

Next time it’s an attractive blond, blue-eyed woman in her early 30’s. She’s not naked in any way, but Barnes gets it.

Again, Check-up and leave.

She’s a new hire for the tech team. She doesn’t say anything, but she still gives a look that says, “You’re an asshole.”

Tony considers firing her, but he already signed the contract, doesn't want to be sued, and she codes pretty well. So, no.

\-- 

Tony gets tired, and the next time Barnes comes the workshop is model-less, hot programmer-less. Tony notices Barnes looking for someone else. When he finds out there’s no one, he sits at his usual check-up chair and lets Tony do his thing.

Is he really not going to say anything? Tony thinks, frustrated.

Check-up’s finished, and Tony doesn’t make a move. Barnes lingers but stands up to leave, then he mutters, “Is that going to happen again?”

“What?” Tony acts like he has no idea. Barnes raises his eyebrow.

“You know what.”

Barnes chooses his words carefully. “Other people.”

“Why, you want in? Yeah, I’d like to watch you get fucked by someone else.” Tony says crassly.

Barnes stops and looks into Tony’s eyes.

“If you want.”

Fuck.

\-- 

They do that. Tony hates himself and Barnes too. Tony's stubborn and lost. Barnes is… something Tony can’t figure out. Both of them aren't going to stop it. And nobody’s going to win.

Tony finds some guy. Relatively decent, good looking. Checked if he’s clean. His name is Michael something. He never bothered to learn his last name.

Barnes comes. He had no idea but finds Michael standing in the bedroom and goes to him, kisses him first. They fuck while Tony’s watching.

Tony pours himself a drink, sits on the chair, and can’t stand every second. Barnes does everything he does with Tony. Sucks him off, kisses, and touches him, lets him do whatever he wants. Barnes looks like he’s into it.

Tony gets jealous. Younger, fitter body, sadly bigger cock than Tony’s, and above all, something new.

Barnes doesn’t look at Tony, not even in the general direction. It’s as if Barnes doesn’t know Tony’s watching, which is so not true.

Barnes is putting on a show. And it’s working.

Barnes is gorgeous, moves desperately but gracefully, and the sound he makes is tempting even when it’s not moaned to Tony’s ears. But Tony’s not going to be that creepy old man, who jerks off while watching his sort-of-a-lover getting fucked. Tony grits his teeth and ignores his hard on.

When Michael asked what Tony wanted him to do, Tony said “You don’t talk to him. Don’t leave a mark. Make him come and leave.”

It’s very similar to what Tony does to Barnes and Tony hates that. Kiss him, lick him out, finger him, suck his cock, fuck him. What’s the difference? Why should it be Tony? Barnes looks fine fucked by someone else. Barnes and Michael, they look like lovers.

It turns out, Michael likes it rough. Michael licks Barnes out until Barnes sobs, puts on a condom, lubes himself, grabs Barnes's both hands tight, so he can't move.

Michael bends Barnes in half and rams into him. It's fast and rough, maybe too much, Tony gets worried, but Barnes just takes it without complaint. Tony watches Barnes's toe-curling, his breaths getting shallow. Barnes is getting close. Tony wants to stop Michael and kick him out.

At last Michael fucks Barnes on all fours from behind. Michael faces Barnes towards Tony. Probably Michael is trying to give a good view of them to Tony, but he’s seriously misread the situation.

Barnes avoids looking at Tony the whole time, but Michael grabs Barnes’s hair and lifts him up. For a second, their eyes meet, Tony watches Barnes face, crumpled with pleasure and something else he can't figure it out. Barnes closes his eyes and comes right away.

Barnes comes apart and falls down to the bed, his body shaking. Michael pulls out instantly, he’s hard but doesn’t hesitate, goes into the shower. Good. One point to him.

Tony realizes Barnes didn’t ask for permission to come, didn’t say “Please,” At least that makes Tony feel a tiny bit better. Tiny bit.

Afterward, Tony makes Michael sign the NDA form, gives him some cash. Michael says before leaving. “I’m sorry Mr. Stark, But I have to say, you’re an asshole.”

“Yeah, a lot of people are saying that to me.”

\--

When Tony gets back in the bedroom, Barnes is in the shower. Tony changes the sheets and decides he’ll burn it. Maybe the bed too.

Barnes comes out of the shower and dresses. Tony turns his back on Barnes, sits on the bed. Tony’s not ready to deal with Barnes yet.

“Was that good enough for you?” Barnes’s voice is cold.

Tony can’t stop himself from saying, “Well, you seemed to enjoy it.” And regrets immediately.

Barnes sighs and his tone changes. “Can I say something?”

“Yeah, why not.” Suddenly Tony’s tired. He wants nothing but to crawl into the bed and sleep for 12 hours, forget what happened.

Barnes is determined, he says clearly, “I would rather not do that again. And please tell me before your... encounters. Can you do that for me?”

Tony wasn’t going to. He regrets what he did these few weeks but hearing it from Barnes makes him feel guilty as fuck.

And Tony’s not good with those. Tony knows he’s going to act poorly. He says, “Leave.”

Barnes doesn’t.

“I need an answer.”

“Leave before… We’ll talk about this later. No, we won’t. I don’t know. Just go.”

Tony’s babbling. This talk has to stop. Barnes has to leave. Now.

“No. You’re going to give me an answer.” Barnes presses.

Ok, this is going to happen. Tony stands up and all but shouts.

“What do you want? You think this is, what, exclusive?”

“I’m not saying that you can’t…” Barnes says softly.

And the fact that Barnes is still soft and calm after this shit pushes Tony over the edge.

“I can and will do what I want. Are you going all domestic on me, now? What? You want a dog? A house with a yard? You know I can’t give you that.”

He unintentionally implies ‘won’t give you that’ and ‘no one could.’

And Barnes gets it.

“I understand. But you don’t have to be so….” Barnes hesitates a bit and says, “Cruel.”

Tony explodes.

“Cruel? Have you even read your files? You’re talking to me about cruelty?”

Tony knows it's mean and unfair. But he feels the old tired rage filling up his chest.

Barnes stops breathing. Looks at Tony as if he stabbed him with a knife and twisted. Tony starts to get concerned when he turns pale. Barnes finally says,

“Yes, I read those files. You made me read it.”

He says quietly and turns around, sits on the bed, covers his face with his hands. Tony sighs and goes around the bed to meet him, now guilt filling his chest.

Tony thinks, he will say something that resembles “I’m sorry, I’m a dick.” but never quite that, and everything will go back to normal. It has to.

Tony kneels in front of Barnes,

“Come on. It’s late. Let’s go to bed. You’re tired. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

Tony touches Barnes’ hand and finds it wet. Tony panics because Barnes is crying. And of course, he cries like a movie star too, pretty and graceful, damn him.

“Let me see you.” Tony gets desperate, tries to remove Barnes’ hand from his face and Barnes obeys. Barnes rarely says 'No' to Tony, even now. Tony watches Barnes’ eyes swell up with tears. Tony can hear the sound of tears falling to the floor. It’s that quiet.

“Stop it,” Tony says, cupping Barnes’ wet face, and it turns out Barnes didn’t even know that he was crying. Tony is that much of a dick. Barnes was in shock that he lost himself for a moment.

Barnes wipes his tears away, tries very hard to stop, and succeeds. Stubborn bastard.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking,” his voice is low.

It’s like he’s a husk of what he was just seconds ago. Which makes Tony even more frustrated. Tony stands up and swears,

“Fuck, why do you always have to be…”

Barnes keeps going.

“You never promised me anything. I’m not in the position to talk about cruelty. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry. I’ll leave.”

Barnes gets up quickly and walks to the door.

Tony doesn’t know what to do, so he says,

“Fuck you, Barnes.”

Barnes stands there for a moment and leaves.

\--

Tony’s at Barnes’s door. He’s drunk. Tony doesn’t knock, but Barnes opens the door. Fucking spies.

“I’m drunk.” Tony blurts out.

“I can see that,” Barnes says quietly.

“Can I come in?” Tony adds, “Please.”

Barnes opens the door. Tony enters.

\-- 

Tony’s never been in Barnes’s room before. They always fuck in the workshop or Tony’s workshop bedroom.

At first, even before all this happened, Tony gave him a deluxe two-bedroom apartment like Rogers, but Barnes found the smallest room in the building and insisted he’d live there. When Rogers said no, Barnes didn’t talk to him for a full week, and Rogers gave up.

It’s small. There’s almost nothing in the room. Barnes uses his duffle bag as a closet, which Tony disapproves right away, mattress on the floor, windows covered with thick black curtains, two clear exits, and Tony assumes there are multiple secret hiding spots where Barnes stashes cash and weapons.

Barnes is always ready to leave.

\--

Barnes stands in the middle of the room. One lamp, dark, smells like Barnes. Intimate.

The last time they were like this, was months ago, and they were in Tony’s room for the first time. That intimacy scared Tony. He got Barnes out of the room right away. Now it’s different.

“What do you want?” Tony asks.

Barnes stays silent.

“What the fuck do you want? Just tell me.”

“A dog, a house with a yard, I’ll be barefoot and pregnant waiting for you,” Barnes says dryly.

“Don’t fuck with me.”

“Does it matter?” Barnes says as he sinks on the mattress.

“What?” Tony looks down, baffled.

“What does it matter if I want something or not.” Barnes lies down, looking up at Tony.

“You’re going to do whatever you want anyway,” Barnes says quietly.

Barnes starts to strip, and Tony wants to throw something, but there’s nothing to grab.

Barnes sucks Tony off, and Tony comes grabbing a handful of Barnes’s hair.

\-- 

Tony looks around the room, lying next to Barnes. The mattress is bumpy. No air-conditioning. The room’s too dark. Things are all on the ground or stuffed in the duffle bag. No wonder Barnes dresses like shit. Barnes needs more clothes. Better ones. Tony’s going to get him to move to somewhere better. Get rid of this shitty room that’s more temporary safe house than a home.

“I’m…” Tony starts,

Barnes turns to looks at Tony. They’re close. His eyes are very blue. Tony gets lost for a moment. If Tony leans an inch or two, he could kiss him. So, he does.

“I’m sorry. I was a dick.”

Barnes softly puts his forehead against Tony’s. Barnes is warm and sleepy, which is one of Tony's favorite version of Barnes.

“And it matters,” Tony adds.

“Hmm?”

“It matters to me what you want.”

This time when they fall asleep Tony holds Barnes tight.

\--

Tony asking, “What do you want?” actually means “Why are you here?” and “Why are you here with me?” and “Don’t leave. I’ll give you whatever you want.”

Does Barnes know that?


	22. Chapter 22

Tony was happy. Maybe too happy. When Rogers asked him to do something, Tony did it without complaint. He gave every Avengers thingies an upgrade. Now and then, Barton gave him cold stares, but Tony didn't give a fuck.

Because Tony had Barnes.

\--

While checking up on Barnes's arm, Tony blurted out,

"You don't have to come here every week. I lied."

Barnes stayed silent.

"You knew?"

"Yes. I see things. And this is my arm. I live with it."

"Then why didn't you just…"

"I like coming here."

Barnes said it like it's the most simple thing in the world.

And yes, Barnes got a blowjob, because what do you expect after saying something like that?

\--

Tony started to get scared every time Barnes leaves. Maybe he'll never come back.

So, Tony did what every dysfunctional asshole would do.

Tony chased after him. Head-first, at full speed with no safety net.

\--

Barnes kind of moved in with him. Mainly because Tony won't let him leave. 

One day Barnes brought his shit duffle bag, unsure, awkwardly mumbled,

"I thought maybe I could… My room is too far and… I don't have a lot of stuff."

And Tony pushed him to the wall, kissed him and dry humped him until Barnes came in his pants.

The next day Tony ordered Friday to make Barnes's old room into a storage room. Right now.

\--

And so many weapons. Tony found two shotguns, three rifles, few grenades, and a surprisingly huge knife hidden in the ceiling. At least three grand in petty cash duck-taped under the couch with a small blade attached to it. One sniper gun inside the wall. Inside. When did he have the time to do that?

Tony didn't touch anything, didn't say anything. Tony understood. Barnes had to feel safe.

\--

They slept together every night.

Barnes still had nightmares. Tony got strangled a couple of times. Barnes tried to sleep on the couch first few times, but Tony followed him anyway and held him until he fell asleep. Tony got some lady to choose semi-decent clothes that covers his neck. Barnes looked at his neck sad and worried, but Tony said it's worth it, and Barnes blushed and gave him a shy smile.

And it really was worth it.

\-- 

Tony's obsession with feeding Barnes was getting worse.

Barnes complained that he has to work out harder while shoving cupcakes in his mouth. Tony kissed him and said he'll still fuck him even if he gets fat.

Tony found Barnes working out more than ever. One time, Barnes came back too exhausted for sex. Tony frowned and said, "I need regular fucking Barnes. You could just eat less, you know how it works, right?"

Barnes looked at Tony like he said the most outrageous thing in the world and hid his ice-cream tub, which by the way, made him look like a six-year-old, and to prove Tony's wrong, well, Barnes did exceptional work in bed that night.

\--

Sex was always great. Tony was a middle-aged man. He shouldn't have this much fun having sex, but he did.

Tony asked Barnes to fuck him. The first time, Barnes came within 30 seconds, and he looked so devastated, Tony laughed until he fell off the bed. Considering it was a big bed, it would be safe to say that the look on Barnes's face got hilarious by the second.

Barnes overcompensated by sucking Tony off with three fingers in and made Tony come back to back twice. Twice.

After Tony got back the ability to talk again, he said,

"You can't do that to me. I'm old. I might die."

Barnes lay beside him, stroked Tony's back slowly and said,

"That would be a good way to go," and grinned wickedly.

Tony thought he saw a little bit of old Bucky Barnes at that moment and pitied all those around him who got him daily. 

\--

Next time Barnes fucked him, Tony really regretted laughing at him because Barnes did his homework well. Barnes probably made a mental step by step plan. He entered the bedroom with a determined look, shed his clothes in seconds, almost ripped Tony out of his clothes, and did wonderful things with his tongue, hands, and cock.

Tony came apart, couldn't move for a full five minutes. Barnes was so satisfied with himself if Tony didn't just have a mind-blowing orgasm, he would've kicked him out of bed. Tony smacked Barnes's ass instead and was rewarded with a kiss on the cheek.

"God. Did you get a private lesson or something?"

"I just did what you do to me."

Fuck. How could one person be so smug and sweet at the same time?

\--

Barnes went on a mission after mission. Some were OK, but some were not. Barnes came back bleeding, bruised, beat. And Tony mother-henned the shit out of him.

Once Barnes got his collarbone broken, and Tony kept him in the workshop for five days. Force-fed him, made him sleep. And no sex, which made Barnes confused.

Rogers came by once, but Tony scared him off. Lied that his metal arm is messed up. If Rogers didn't believe him, he didn't show it.

Tony worried when Barnes was on a mission. Because he knew more than anyone, that those missions were not only dangerous, but it sucked you dry to the bones.

But Barnes always came back. And that was enough for him.

\--

Tony was falling fast.

He couldn't control it. And he didn't know if he wanted to.

If one of them crashed and burned, it would be Tony, not Barnes.

\--

And then there was the project Tony had been working on.

Barnes came to the workshop, noticed something on the table. Tony said without turning around,

"It's an arm." Tony could feel Barnes approaching.

"It's the closest thing I could make to a real flesh arm. It has its' weaknesses and does need regular check-ups, but not often like now. Maybe once every six months. It will feel like a real arm. That means it will hurt when it's shot, stabbed, and so on. No super strength, it's a normal human-ish arm. If you want to use it, you should train with it because it's nothing like your metal arm right now."

Barnes didn't say anything, so Tony turned around to see what was wrong and found Barnes just looking at it, his facial expression unchanged.

With a bit of disappointment, Tony said,

"You don't like it? Fine, give it back."

"No!" Barnes shouted. "I want it."

Barnes stared at it for a long time, then at Tony. 

Barnes touched Tony's cheek, and leaned in to put his forehead on Tony's, rubbed his cheek on Tony's. Tony could feel his warm breath on his neck and tried to comment on it when Barnes moved in for just a peck. Chaste, dry, and fast. 

"That's it? You know we fucked like at least a hundred times. Not the time to act shy, Barnes," Tony laughed.

"Shut up," Barnes muttered.

"And this is an extraordinary gift. I think it deserves more than a smooch."

Barnes grabbed him by the shirt and dived in, making Tony dizzy with an open, wet, filthy kiss involving tongue and teeth and hands all over. By the time Barnes let Tony breathe, he was on Barnes's lap and had a massive hard-on, dry humping like his life depended on it.

"Is this close to what you were thinking of?" Barnes asked with a fucking wide grin.

"Shut up, naked, now," Tony pulled his shirt off.

They were lying on the floor a few moments later, both spent and tired. 

"I'm too old to fuck on the floor. We fuck in the bed, OK?" Tony said, standing up when Barnes grabbed his wrist and whispered, "Thank you."

"It's not a big deal. I just did it for a month or so," Tony grumbled, letting Barnes kiss him again, though his lips were numb.

It was a blatant lie. It took more than six months. Tony started to make it after they hooked up a couple of times.

Tony didn't know what possessed him. What drove him into making this.  
And now he knows. 

It was Barnes. Everything he was, Tony wanted.

\--

One day, while fucking Tony asked, as always.

"What do you want?"

Tony expected something like "I want to come." or "Please." or things of that sort.

Instead, Barnes looked up at Tony and said,

"You. I want you."  
  
Tony was gone. Tony was Barnes's, and Tony would be his as long as Barnes would have him.

\--

This happiness lasted for precisely one month.

And as Tony predicted, it crashed and burned.

\-- 

Surprisingly, it was Barton who put an end to this.

Barnes was out on a mission, and Tony was doing paperwork in the middle of the night. Tony hated paperwork, but he couldn't sleep. He was hoping the dull work would put him to sleep when he heard Barton's voice.

"You have to end it."

Tony yelped and spilled his drink all over the desk. 

"Fuck! Are you trying to kill me? You almost gave me a heart attack.  
Is this your attempt to kill me? Because there are other ways to… Wait, how did you get in here?"

Barton smirked.

"Fucking spies everywhere. I have to move, no this is my house, you move." Tony mumbled, dabbing on the wasted papers, trying to save what was left. It was almost meaningless work, but he had been doing it for hours. Pity to waste it.

"You have to end it," Barton said again.

"End what?"

"The thing with Barnes."

"What thing?"

"Don't play dumb with me. You're fucking Barnes, and you have to stop."

"We're good now," Tony sighed and turned to face Barton. 

"No, you're not. OK, maybe you are. But Barnes is definitely not."

"Did Barnes say that?" Tony asked, hesitant, unsure. Barton raised his eyebrow and continued.

"Do you think Barnes tells me anything about you two? He barely speaks." 

"Then what makes you so fucking sure about something you know nothing of?" Tony snapped.

Barton's stare was cold, all-knowing, which made Tony anxious and furious at the same time.

"It's almost been a year. Now you have to have fucked Barnes out of your system, so let him go."

"It's not about that anymore. Now we're..." But Tony couldn't say it. 

"If you're trying to say you're in love, think again," Barton folded his arm and leaned back.

"Watch what you're saying. You don't know anything about us."

"I think I do. At first, it was a harmless fling, right? Barnes is a good looking guy. You fucked him, and Barnes got attached. Then you got some feeling for him. Now, it's been a year. He's yours. And you can't even promise him one thing. Think about it. Have you ever promise him anything?"

"I did promise..." Tony stopped. He never did. There was no talk of the future in any kind. Not even a vacation trip. Just now. Always now.

"Yeah, that's right. You can't because you don't know how you're going to change. Barnes killed your parents. Can you accept that and move on, or are you just avoiding it?"

"I can get over that." Tony swallowed.

"Can you?"

Tony couldn't answer.

"It's simple. Barnes's not happy. Let him go," Barton continued.

"No. He's good. He eats well, and he's healthier, his nightmares are getting better, he goes on missions focused and..." Tony argued.

"Stark, You fix his arm. You live with him. You feed him. You clothe him. You fuck him. You fucking made him an arm that he can't fight with."

"What's wrong with that?"

"God, I thought you were smarter than this. He's a former brainwashed soldier, and you provided him everything he needed. You're the center of his world, holding him here, in this fucking claustrophobic place. You're controlling him. How are you better than Hydra?"

And that was when Tony exploded. Tony threw a whiskey bottle at him, which Barton caught quickly and smashed it on the ground. Barton growled, his eyes bright and straight at Tony's.

"Barnes had a fucking panic attack on the last mission. Steve and I tried to make him stay that one out, but he just powered through. I never saw someone so broken move with such a strong purpose. He did it to come back to you. Oh, and he begged us to not tell you, because you'll 'worry.' So, congratulations. You trained him well."

"I never. I want him out. I don't want him fighting. He could just get out of it. Get out," Tony stammered.

"What don't you understand? Being with you and doing the mission. These two things are planted in his brain. With your help. I'm not saying everything's your fault."

"It sure feels like it," Tony felt his hands shake, but clenched his fist.

"You say you're retired, but we're living in your place. You're tied with the Avengers. I think he's scared that if he breaks his routine, you and the mission, you might leave him too."

"I'm not going to..."

"Leave him? Are you sure?"

Barton sighed, continued with his tone softer.

"Stark, I'm sure you have your feeling for him. But it's too much of a sticky situation. You're not built for a family or a relationship, but Barnes needs a constant figure in his life. He thinks it's you, and you know you're not it."

"I could be. I love him," Tony couldn't believe he was saying this to Barton. But he had to say it to someone, and he had a feeling that Barton was the one, and no one else.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Tony said, his voice weak.

"I thought," Barton's voice broke for the first time. "I thought Barnes could grow out of it. You know, leave you at some point. But I don't think he has the ability to choose. And I thought you would get bored with him, but presumably, he's a fucking awesome lay."

"Stop talking about him like that," Tony growled through clenched teeth.

"Isn't he? Isn't that why you kept him?"

"Are you done? Because I want you to fuck off, please," Tony rubbed his forehead. He couldn't handle this anymore.

Before Barton left, he hesitated for a bit.

"Stark. I do have a question," Barton said.

"Oh, really? I thought you knew everything," Tony muttered.

"Why did you fuck him in the first place? He killed your parents. I know you're a pro at self-destruction, but Barnes? Why?"

Tony couldn't answer it.

How could he say that he fucked Barnes because he was angry?

\--

Tony remembers the anger, vengeance that drove him to the relationship with Barnes. Did he get rid of it all? Can he forgive Barnes for what he did?

Before Tony got attached, he practically used Barnes as a play-thing. Tony thought about the abuse, things he did to Barnes.

Tony needed a drink. Fucking Barton destroyed a good bottle of whiskey. The smell of strong alcohol was overwhelming the place. Tony went to the kitchen and opened a new one, his hands shaking. He drank straight from the bottle and looked around the workshop and the bedroom.

This was where everything started. Tony thought about the times they spent.

How could he have been so ignorant?

Yes. Tony fed him, clothed him, checked his arm, provided a place to live, protected him, and fucked him.

Barnes's everyday schedule entirely depended on Tony. Barnes did the mandatory training and came to the workshop right away. Waited for Tony to do his thing, and when Tony was ready, Barnes ate, fucked, slept as Tony decides.

When they fuck, Barnes always asked if he could come. Tony thought it was endearing, their thing. They were having fun.

Now Tony knew it wasn't like that at all.

Maybe at first, it was an attraction. But once a week. Same time. Check-up and fuck. That made Barnes's routine.

Obedience. Compliance. Submission. That was what Barnes followed for decades.

Hydra made him unable to think for himself. Before Barnes had a chance, Tony just swept him away and marked him as his.

Before Tony, Barnes was Rogers's, but Rogers either didn't get it or didn't want to do it, which made Barnes feel lost. With Tony, Barnes feels safe, things are clear, so no matter how nasty or violent Tony gets, Barnes excepts.

That's why Barnes stayed.

Hydra trained Barnes well.

You can get the boy out of Hydra, but can't take Hydra out of the boy, huh?

So, Tony thinks with deep, deep despair, it doesn't matter how they feel about each other.

Tony brainwashed Barnes without even knowing what he was doing.

Barnes needed a clean slate. If Tony's with him, Barnes would never be free.


	23. Chapter 23

It's cold. Tony hates when Barnes is cold.

Barnes comes back exhausted and hollower than ever.

Fuck the mission. There will always be a crisis. Tony nearly killed himself chasing after those his entire life. There will always be a bad guy with an agenda trying to destroy the world, and there will be a good guy trying to stop it. Barnes doesn't have to be a part of that.

Barnes will always be taken care of. Tony has the influence and finance to last Barnes's lifetime. Tony wants to say, there will always be a roof over your head, food on the table, and Tony will protect him.

Which is absurd, because Barnes doesn't need Tony's help to get that safe life. He's strong and smart.

But Tony wants to say, he can give it to him.  
  
And now he knows he can't make that promise. He can't make any promises to Barnes.  
Because Tony doesn't know how things will change, how he will change.

They are not like most people. Tony has his issues, Barnes has his.

Tony can give anything Barnes wants in the world. But the one thing he can't offer is a promise.

\--

Fucking Barton is right. But Tony drags it out. Maybe things could change. Perhaps they both could let go of the past. Maybe Tony could make Barnes think for himself.

Fuck, he said 'make.'  
  
Tony avoids it for a few weeks. Then Barnes comes back from a one-week mission, and he's in an awful state than ever. Barnes collapses as soon as he comes into the workshop, and Tony's furious.

Rogers tells him that Barnes barely slept, ate, just fought as told.

'As told.'

Tony realizes while watching him sleep, he's worse because no one told him to do anything. Just fight. Barnes didn't have Tony to order him to eat or sleep. That's why he came home like he's about to die.  
  
That's when Tony decides he's going to end this.  
  
If this is going to end, which it has to, Tony must bite his tongue and throw Barnes out. Barnes is never going to leave him, no matter how harsh and brutal he gets. Barnes is nothing but loyal, and he wants Tony.

\--

This time the fuck is gentle. Tony knows that this is the last time. Barnes doesn't. He knows it's unfair. Tony tries to make it good for Barnes.  
  
In the workshop, he kisses Barnes while slowly rubbing Barnes's cock over his jeans until Barnes whines.

Tony takes him to the bedroom. Take Barnes's clothes off one by one. Barnes's cock twitches with anticipation, but Tony takes his time. He plants kisses on Barnes's cheek, forehead, the side of his neck, working his way down. He circles his tongue and nips Barnes's nipple while jerking Barnes's drooling cock. Barnes moans satisfied. Barnes is vocal today, and Tony likes it.

Tony sucks Barnes's cock carefully, occasionally looking up to check, so Barnes doesn't come. Tony teases the tip with his tongue and strokes Barnes's cock with his hand, puts just the right amount of pressure, not enough to make him come but enough to make him desperately want more.

He makes Barnes lie down on his stomach and kisses the back of the neck, then works his way down. Bites his shoulders, licks down his spine, touches every scar carefully so he can remember it.

Tony spreads Barnes's ass cheek with both his hands and licks his hole earnestly until Barnes's sobbing. Barnes's hole flinches, and he tries to close it up, but Tony holds down firm and keeps licking until it's wet and slick.

"Please," Barnes says, his voice shaking.

Tony wets his fingers with lube and pushes one, then two to stretch it out. Flips him, so Barnes's is on his back. Barnes's lips are shiny and red. He's been biting it. Tony leans down for a kiss, and Barnes kisses back impatiently.

Tony pushes his cock in inch by inch. Feels Barnes inside tightening up, forcing the intrusion out.

"Come on, Relax for me." Tony's voice is hoarse.

Barnes reaches up, pulls Tony down, and kisses him. Tony buries himself inside Barnes up to the hilt and looks down at Barnes.

Barnes's eyes are wet with lust. His cheeks are flushed red, damp hair sticking on his forehead, breathing hard. Perfection.

Fuck. Tony can't believe he has to end this.

When Barnes is relaxed enough, Tony starts thrusting. He watches Barnes' head thrown back, arching his hips to meet Tony's thrust, trying to stay quiet and failing.

Tony's going to remember this. Every expression, moans, scars, touch, every detail.

"Don't tease." Barnes pants, his thighs shivering. Barnes gets desperate, and Tony will give him what he wants.

So, Tony fucks him hard. He drives into Barnes deep again and again. Keeps his hand on Barnes cock, watch Barnes thrust up to his hand.

Barnes looks intently at Tony. Despite the pleasure making him half out of his mind, he is sensing something. Tony picks up the pace ruthlessly and soon feels Barnes's orgasm coming, fucks him harder into the mattress.

"Please," Barnes begs. "Please, Can I?"

Tony hates it. He hates that he has to give permission, even at this last time.

"You can." Tony tries to keep his voice even.

And with one last brutal push, Barnes is coming. His insides spasms and take Tony with him. Tony spills himself inside Barnes, and blacks out for a moment.

\--

After, they lie side by side. The room is quiet except for their heavy breathing.

Tony swallows, he has to do it. Now's the time.

Tony says in his coldest voice.

"We're done."

Barnes looks a bit whiplashed, but he's obedient as always. He gets up to get dressed, and Tony adds.

"We're done."

Barnes seems confused. "I heard you."

"No, you don't understand. This, what we do, it's done. The tech team will take care of you now."

Barnes doesn't say anything. Just stares at Tony silently.

"Take your things and leave. Your room is ready. Ask Friday, and she will take you there."  
  
Tony goes into the shower. He takes a long hot shower. Scrubs his skin clean, trying to get Barnes' scent off him. He's almost pruning when he gets out. He desperately wants the room to be empty, but Barnes is still there as expected.

Barnes is sitting on the edge of the bed. At least Barnes is dressed. If he was still naked, vulnerable, and open, Tony doesn't think he has the will power to go through. Thank god for small mercies.

Tony ignores him and puts on his clothes. He'll go to the workshop, tinker with this and that. It'll make him feel better, no, probably not, but he's going to try. Tony feels Barnes staring. He could simply get out, keep ignoring Barnes till he gets it. But Barnes is stubborn. Barnes will keep following Tony like a god damn puppy, and he knows he'll slip. He already wants to slide back to bed, fall asleep, holding Barnes.

Tony has to end this as clearly as possible. And that means he has to be cruel, which is going to be hard because he knows Barnes can take a lot. And Tony's the reason that he can.

Tony reminds himself about countless times that he hurt Barnes, and that's one of the reasons this has to end.  
  
Tony takes a deep breath and turns around.

"Why are you still here? I thought I've made myself clear."

Barnes looks lost.

"I don't understand."

"What's so difficult to understand? We're done. The tech team will do the check-ups. You'll be taken care of, of course. You are one of the Avengers. I don't think we'll have much contact since I'm pretty much retired. But if we do, I expect you to be professional."

Barnes thinks.

"But why?"

"Because I'm done with you."

Tony sighs, feeling like a broken record.

"Did I do something wrong?"

Tony says with a mocking smile.

"Well, you killed my parents. I think that alone is enough. And you were hydra's best gun for decades. Is that good enough for you?"

Tony's proud of himself in a twisted way that he's could say that in a cold voice. When Tony was preparing for this talk, Tony thought this would make Barnes walkout.

But he was wrong. Barnes winces like he's physically hurt but goes on, which is uncharacteristic and thus frustrates Tony more.

"It didn't stop you before."

"I'm stopping now. Why the fuck are you still here?"

"I just don't get it. We were fine, just now, and you're…"

Barnes hesitates, tries to find the right words, and says the worst possible thing.

"Is this a test? If it is, will you tell me? I will…"

Barnes is uncertain, his voice weak. Tony snaps and cuts him off.

"It's not a fucking test. I don't know why this is so hard for you to understand. Surely you didn't think this was going to last. You are not that naïve? It was fun for a while, and it's not fun for me anymore."

Barnes looks at him.

"You're lying."

Fuck.

"What's wrong? Tell me. I can change."

Barnes comes closer. Barnes' stinks of sex, his hair is a mess. Barnes' lips are swollen, Tony can see the marks he made on Barnes's neck. Tony desperately wants to go back just an hour and touch him. He knows he will never get to again.

Barnes is close enough that Tony notices Barnes is shaking a little bit.  
Barnes reaches for him, and Tony snaps.

"Don't. Don't touch me."

Barnes steps back and goes very still.

"Tony, please just..."  
  
Tony closes his eyes. He hates this. Tony breathes through his nose once, and opens his eyes and looks into Barnes' eyes intensely.

"I've fucked you out of my system."

And that gets the job done. Barnes excepts Tony's reason.  
Tony watches Barnes' expression change moment by moment.

Barnes goes pale, he looks at Tony, thinks, bites his lips, tries to reach, and stops himself.

Barnes gets it now. He's a smart guy. He knows why this started, and now he's going to think that he understands why it's ended.

Unfortunately for Tony, it's far from the truth.

Tony turns around, gets something from the desk to keep his hands busy.  
  
Barnes stands still for a long time. Then says in a surprisingly calm voice.

"I understand. I'm grateful for everything you've done for me. You made me… happy, and I wasn't for a long time. Thank you."

Tony hears the door shut.  
  
After Barnes leaves, Tony changes the sheets, and he's about to put it in the laundry basket for the cleaning crew tomorrow, but then he throws it in the trash. He finds a huge trash bag and throws out everything Barnes touched, or anything reminded him of Barnes.

Three hours and countless trash bags later, it's still not enough. Tony orders Friday to scan the room and replace everything. Tony doesn't go to the workshop. He ends up drinking the whole bottle of scotch and passes out on the floor.


	24. Chapter 24

Tony soldiered on.

What else could he do? 

He let Barnes go, kicked him out of his life. Knowing Barnes, he was probably not going to be ok for a while, but he would get over it.

Barnes would learn to live on his own. What he needed was time to heal, and Tony took it away from him.

Barnes should have another chance with someone else.

Someone who's not bitter, resentful, and doesn't abuse or manipulate him. Someone with no baggage. Have a healthy relationship. Barnes deserves something clean and good. He suffered enough.

Tony promised to himself that he would never track Barnes. Radio silence. But it was so tempting. If Tony put his mind to it, he could get access to any CCTV feed and watch what Barnes was doing.

He didn't.

\--

Tony crossed paths with Barnes many times but talked to him twice. Both times it was unintentional. Judging by Barnes' reaction, it was purely coincidental on Barnes's part too.

The first time they met at a party. Tony didn't want to go, but Pepper threatened, one party or five meetings. Tony chose the party.

It was a big fancy business party. Tony had to make an appearance, mingle for 15 minutes, and get out. Pepper made him take a model as his date. The model was some big shot's niece who needed some publicity. Fine.

She was young, like barely legal young. Her dress was way too low cut, apparently without a bra, and wearing too much perfume. She seemed nervous, so Tony was kind to her.

And fuck, he found Barnes while joking around with her and her uncle. Barnes was being shown off with Rogers, wearing that one suit he owns, which Tony had dreams of shredding.

He should've destroyed it when he had the chance. Barnes thought it was funny that Tony hated it so much, so every time Tony threw it away, he would somehow find it and put it back in the closet. It was a charming memory that Tony would rather reminisce alone in his room in the dark with strong alcohol in his hand.

Not alone, not dark, not in his room, but he did have strong alcohol, so he knocked back his glass and ordered two more. This wasn't going to be good.

Rogers spotted Tony, and that meant they had to say hello.

Rogers put a hand on Barnes's shoulder, guided him to Tony and his date. 

"Charming the powerful and the wealthy?" Tony said.

"Gotta do what's needed," Rogers smiled.

"Never thought I'd hear that from you," Tony knocked back another drink.

"Your date?" Rogers asked.

"Oh yes, this is Steve Rogers and James Barnes."

Tony completely forgot about her. He was busy stealing glances at Barnes. He lost a lot of weight and was too calm, too motionless, that made Tony uneasy, but he still looked fucking fantastic.

They talked for a while, and Rogers and Tony's date went dancing. Rogers was a gentleman, and Tony's date was starstruck. Minus the age difference, they looked good together.

The problem was that Barnes was left alone with him. Tony couldn't suddenly go. They had to say something to be polite. And to be honest, Tony missed Barnes.

They talked, avoiding eye-contact, both looking in the same direction. Tony's eyes wandered around the dance floor.

"You look nice." Tony started.

"Thank you. You look nice too."

"Woah. Look at Rogers go. Who knew he could dance like that."

"Yeah."

"You ok?"

"I'm good." 

"You hate these parties."

"I'm getting used to it."

It was like talking to a robot. Small talk. Short appropriate answers. If Barnes was angry, or sad, or anything, Tony could take it. This calm, detached stranger. Tony couldn't.

"That's impossible. You never get used to it. I still hate it after all these years," Tony tried again.

Barnes sipped his drink.

"You look a little pale. Are you sure you're..." Tony lowered his voice.

Barnes looked at him, and Tony saw sparks in his eyes.

"You don't have to," Barnes downed his drink, put the empty glass on the bar.

"Huh?"

"You don't have to talk to me. You don't have to act like you care," Barnes poured out quietly.

Tony wanted to take it back. Angry Barnes was worse.

"Wait."

"You did what you wanted," Barnes let out a shaky breath, took Tony's drink, threw back at once, empty glass on the bar.

"So, please, don't," Barnes said, close enough for Tony to smell the alcohol.

Barnes walked away.

\--

Tony realized later that night. It had been six days since their thing ended. Barnes didn't know that the model thing is just a ruse.

Was he jealous? Tony wasn't sure. But if Barnes came with someone, Tony would've trashed the party.

\--

The second time, it was only the two of them.

Tony never went to the communal kitchen, but he was craving some junk food. Tony got rid of everything when Barnes left. No, when Tony left him.

It was past three am, so Tony thought it would be safe. It wasn't.

Tony saw Barnes sitting alone, untouched food in front of him. Tony seriously considered just walking away but got in anyway, ignoring his voice in his head, warning, shouting not to.

Tony missed Barnes and wanted to see if he was ok.

Barnes was lost in his thoughts, then found Tony, jerked violently, and then he was tense all over.

Barnes nodded once. Tony looked for his food, found a bag of potato chips.

Tony should leave, but he held his potato chip bag like a shield and turned back. They were both quiet for a moment. 

Barnes started first.

"Stevie said I have to eat."

It was peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a glass of milk—kid food.

"You really should... No, I'm going to go," Tony stopped himself.

When Tony was about to turn away, Barnes murmured something so quietly that Tony almost didn't hear.

"I want…"

Barnes lifted his head. He was determined, his eyes were clear, focused.

"I want you to fuck me."

Barnes's voice was calm, but Tony sensed Barnes shaking a little. He was nervous. He rarely said that directly even when they were together.

Now Tony was nervous too. Because it was so tempting. Tony could just reach out and touch Barnes. He could take him right here, right now. But Tony couldn't say anything.

"I thought about it, and it's not fair, I didn't know that was the last time. So, I want one more time," Barnes said quietly.

"Just once. One last time. Please," Barnes added. The cool in his voice was gone.

"No," Tony said softly.

This time Tony walked out. It was one of the hardest things Tony did.

\--

There was always a mission hence the unending boring meetings. Next time Tony saw Barnes, it was in some strategy meeting. He seemed ok. He noticed Tony and nodded once then got back to what he was doing.

That was it.

\--

Rogers told Tony that Barnes was on every mission. He worked out like a mad man, almost doubled his everyday training. He was even trying to get on with his anxiety with this modern world.

Rogers smiled when he said that Barnes went to central park and bought an 'I love New York' t-shirt.

It was like, he moved on.

That was exactly what Tony wanted, but he couldn't help but feel a little disappointed.

\--

Time passed.

Tony spent time with the tech team because he wanted to retire. He wanted out, just like Barnes did.

No more Avengers. He didn't want to stay even as the tech guy. He would still be the money guy, but no more than that.

Tony tried some things that retired people do.

Gardening, making pottery, learning to play piano, and so on and so on.

Nothing worked. But Tony was going to find something. He had to.

\--

Five weeks after their break up, Barnes fell apart.

Some idiot made a mistake, and Barnes got exposed during a mission. Truly awful things happened. Barnes got abducted, blindfolded, tortured, forced to kill one innocent man, then killed nine hostiles to escape in a span of 24 hours.

Barnes was never a wilting flower. He fought and escaped.

But the problem was that the organization who took Barnes messed him up not only by physical torture.

They got a fucking psychologist. A psychologist with an agenda was the worst thing that could happen to an ex-brainwashed soldier. The report said Barnes had to endure the psychologist for 10 hours straight.

One of the nine hostiles Barnes killed was the psychologist. Barnes was almost out of ammo but put seven bullets in him.

When the rescue team arrived, they almost shot Barnes because he got so violent. Rogers coaxed him into custody.

Later Rogers told Tony, during the helicopter ride back to the Stark Tower, he was scared that Barnes might jump.

\--

Barnes was hospitalized for three days, had to go through some intensive mental check out.

When Barnes was knocked out, Tony visited him. Tony sat beside him for 12 hours straight. Needless to say, Tony was heartbroken but left before Barnes woke up.

\--

The night Barnes got away from all the fussing by getting everything's good pass, Barnes came to the workshop.

Tony changed Barnes's status so he couldn't come in. Friday let Tony know that Barnes was outside.

Barnes didn't knock. He knew Tony was watching. Barnes didn't move or say anything for a long time. 

Tony thought he should put a chair out, so next time someone comes… No.

Barnes put his forehead on the opaque glass door.

"Tony, please. Open the door," Barnes whispered.

"I need you."

Barnes was falling apart.

"Let me in."

Tony made Friday cut the feed. If Tony kept watching, he was going to slip.

Tony went to his bedroom. He had to be as far from Barnes as possible. He sat on the bed, buried his face in his hand, shaking.

He thought to himself, Barnes was going to fine. And tried not to think about what they did on this bed.

This is a mistake, was what Tony thought before he opened the door.

"What do you need?" Tony asked urgently.

Barnes blinked his eyes, surprised.

"Tell me what you need," Tony said again.

Do you want to fuck? Do you want to eat? Do you want me to listen? What? I'll do it, Tony thought.

Barnes came and put his arms around him, buried his face in Tony's neck. Tony stroked his back slowly and felt Barnes's stiffness melting away.

And Tony forgot everything, what Barton said, why he should let Barnes go, why he and Barnes would never work. The way Barnes gave himself to Tony, the smell, the touch, the familiar figure, all overwhelmed him, and then Barnes leaned in for a kiss. 

Tony was surprised himself when he tilted his head with an instinct to stop the kiss.

"No," Tony whispered.

"Please," Barnes begged, his voice muffled in Tony's arms.

"No."

"I almost died."

"No."

Tony didn't let Barnes kiss him, didn't let him inside the workshop. He could feel it in his bones that if he made any of it happen, even once, it would all be over. Tony would never be able to let Barnes go.

Tony brought out some blankets, and they sat in the hallway. Barnes lay his head on Tony's lap, breathing quietly while Tony stroked his hair. Tony felt his lap getting wet but had no choice but to ignore it. 

"You're never going to forgive me, are you?" Barnes whispered.

After three hours, Barnes left.

\--

Communal kitchen. 2:30 am.

Tony walked in, looking for coffee during his work break, which didn't make sense.

One, he had enough coffee to last him a month in his workshop. Two, he wasn't working on anything since Barnes's arm.

Tony was looking for Barnes. He was a drug addict looking for his hit. If Barnes was in the kitchen, Tony wouldn't approach him or talk to him. Probably Tony would walk out as soon as he saw Barnes but. He needed his hit.

Tony had been wandering around because he ordered Friday when he got drunk that Barnes was off-limits, and Friday was great at keeping her words. Thus, the wandering.

Tony knew Barnes got nightmares, and when he did, he didn't go back to sleep out of fear. Maybe he was wandering too.

The kitchen was dark. But someone was sitting on the counter. Tony's heart jumped, but it wasn't Barnes. 

It was Rogers with a bottle of vodka.

"Didn't know you drank," Tony said.

"Want some?"

"Not my favorite, but why not."

Tony found a decent enough glass and passed it to Rogers. Rogers filled it up, pushed it back.

"So, what makes you drink in the dark?"

"Bucky left."

"What?"

"He didn't even say goodbye," Rogers said quietly.

"He might be just out blowing off some steam," Tony knew that wasn't true.

"No, he left for good."

Tony emptied the glass before he spoke. He hated vodka.

"How do you know?"

Rogers filled Tony's glass again, this time a little bit more.

"He left the arm."

Rogers looked at the table, and there was the arm Tony made for Barnes.

How did he not notice it?

It was Rogers who empties his glass this time.

"He didn't take anything."

Tony knew he needed to stay sharp but took another shot of vodka anyway.

"Did he leave it there?"

"No, it was in his room."

"Why did you bring it here….?"

"I was on my way to see you. I needed some help before that."

Rogers raised his glass.

"Bucky threatened some guys in tech team and a few doctors to remove it. Please don't fire them."

Rogers smiled, he was sad but calm.

Why the fuck is he calm?

"Ok. I'll alert the authorities, and you go assemble your Avengers. He's only got one arm, and everyone knows his face. He can't go far. We'll find him."

"Tony, you know that's not going to happen."

Fuck. Rogers kept going.

"Bucky was MIA for two years when everyone in the world was looking for him. If he doesn't want to be found, that's it."

"Why are you so fucking calm? Why aren't you panicking? Rogers, if you're hiding something from me, I swear to god…"

"I'm not."

Tony took one look at Rogers and knew he was telling the truth.

Tony sank in the chair next to him. His hands shook.

"Why did he leave his arm?" Tony said, feeling his throat close up.

"It's yours."

"But I gave it to him. Is this his way of saying fuck you?"

"Tony."

"Was he that angry at me? That he would rip off his arm and leave it here? That was the one thing I gave it to him. And he just."

"The arm would keep reminding him of you."

Tony was on the verge of a full panic attack but felt his panic calm down. Now Tony understood why Rogers was calm. Barnes didn't just leave. He made a statement.

Barnes wanted to live a new clean life. And he knew it wouldn't happen with Rogers or Tony attached. Hence, the arm.

Rogers knew Barnes would be ok. But he also knew he won't ever get to see him again. That calmness came from acceptance and grief.

"Tony, I know you might not want to hear this from me now. But. I kind of liked you guys together. Bucky looked... Alive after he met you."

"People normally say, 'happy,'" Tony huffed then froze.

"Did he ever... Did he ever say something to you?" Tony hated the uncertainty and vulnerability in his voice, but he had to know.

Did he make Barnes unhappy?

"He never said anything," Rogers answered without hesitation.

"But I see things. You broke his heart a lot. I should really kill you for that," Rogers stared, his jaw clenched, and Tony let out a long shaky sigh.

"Yeah, please," Tony knocked back the vodka and poured some more. He needs whiskey. "Please, just kill me."

"You don't know how bad it was before we came to this place. It was horrible. When things were particularly bad, I even thought, maybe I should've just left him there. Not wake him up."

It took some time for Rogers to continue.

"He was in so much pain. He wanted to, but couldn't kill himself because it doesn't work so well on us, and I threatened I'll follow him. He was so dead inside before he met you. And then after that first few check-ups, he just came alive, so I couldn't say anything."

Tony drank from the bottle.

"He went through so many shitty things. While I was in ice, he was out here, going through so much... Shit," Rogers sighed.

"You want to say I'm one of those shit? Because I one hundred percent agree with you," Tony said, gripping the cup tight.

"No, you're not. I think you are, but he doesn't think that, so what does it matter what I think," Rogers rubbed his eyes then hid his face in his hands.

"He was, so very, so, so happy with you," Rogers said, his voice muffled.

Tony found a whiskey bottle and a cigarette pack. They drank and smoked until the sun came up.

"I want to find him," Tony said.

"Won't work."

"I'll try."

\--

Tony doesn't see Barnes for the next ten months.


	25. Chapter 25

Tony hit bottom.

He caged himself in his workshop. Didn't talk to anyone, rarely ate, drank every night until he passed out.

This time, no one reached out to him. Probably Rogers warned them off.

Rogers was right. Barnes didn't take anything. His hidden weapons, cash, shitty duffle bag, everything, he left in his room.

Tony should have known that Barnes would leave.

Barnes wanted out. Barnes was killing himself going on missions because Tony was here.

Without him, there was no reason for Barnes to stay.

Maybe this was for the best. Tony should let go. Let him be.

\-- 

But unfortunately, Tony was a dysfunctional asshole, so he didn't let go.

Tony wasn't ashamed of what he did next. He broke every US and international law to find him. He hacked into the Security Camera feeds everywhere, reached out to his darkest allies and enemies, tracked everyone's movement who was remotely connected to Barnes.

Nothing came up.  
  
Where is he? Where's he going to live? What's he going to eat?

Tony thought of the times they ate together. How Barnes started to enjoy food, not just shovel into his mouth.  
  
Barnes didn't have any money. He couldn't get a regular job. Imagining Barnes working in a cubicle made Tony laugh for a second and then panic for a long time.

Tony knew he was never going to do anything even remotely resembles what he did for Hydra or the Avengers.

So an international hitman job is out of the question.  
  
What is he thinking? What is he going to do?

So many questions, none of it answered.  
  
Then a thought appeared. This level of disappearance is impossible.  
  
Barnes might be dead.

Terrorist groups, what's left of Hydra comes to mind.

Bounty hunters? Barnes was definitely on every kill list.

Or something normal. Car accidents, building on fire.

Maybe he got sick.

But could there be an accident severe enough to kill him?

No, he was too skilled and sharp to get killed. He was a great soldier, and the best spy Tony knew.

Or, did he kill himself? Could he do that? He was depressed, and the guilt was eating him alive.

No, he wouldn't. He survived much worse. And he wouldn't do that to Rogers, and Tony.  
  
But then, where is he? 

\--

Tony found him eventually. Purely by coincidence.

One of his oldest friends who retired, went on a vacation to a small town in Italy, because his very distant relative was marrying some local girl deep in the country.

Who the hell goes to those weddings? Most people would politely apologize, send something, and that would be the end of it.

But Tony's friend wasn't most people. He wanted sunshine and quiet, so he got on a plane.

It was hot there, and he went into the nearest café and ordered something with ice, and he saw Barnes. 

Barnes was working two jobs. Worked at a god damn wheat plant farm on the day and served at a local pub at night — such cliché.

I want a normal life, he said once, and apparently, he got one.

No one there seemed to know or care about his past. 

Barnes was hardworking, nice guy, smart and hot as hell, so why the fuck not.

Tony found a decent enough PI there and warned the PI plenty of times to keep his distance. The PI took some photos of Barnes and sent it to him. 

Barnes working at the farm, Barnes bartending with a tight black shirt, Barnes reading something at a small local café (he's still not drinking coffee, probably something boring like green tea), Barnes helping some old lady cross the street (because Barnes is that kind of guy), Barnes getting into his apartment.

Barnes eating at a restaurant with some pretty young thing, Barnes kissing that same pretty young thing in the street. It was dark, but Tony could see him blushing.  
  
One of the photos caught Tony's attention.

The soft light hit Barnes just right. He was surrounded by people, and he was laughing.

Not the shy smile he gave to Tony. Just pure happy open mouth laughter.

It looked like he blossomed, and thus out of reach.

\--

Tony should let him be. He was safe, comfortable. Dragging him into Tony's shit is probably the worst thing that could happen to Barnes.

Tony should let him go, let him have his dream life.

But Tony was a selfish bastard, so after 5 minutes he packed his things, got into his jet, flew to Italy.  
  
Tony couldn't just land the jet on the town right there.

The town was buried deep in the country, Tony had to take a few buses, trains but he endured it.  
  
Tony thought of what to say to Barnes.

I didn't mean to hurt you. Lie.

I didn't know that it would end like that. Lie.

I didn't know you were hurting. Lie.

But he could say,

I'm sorry for what I did. I want to change. I can try. I miss you. I want you back.

Those were not lies.

\-- 

Tony wasn't ready for his speech when he arrived in the town.

Tony booked a hotel there, winced at the quality of it, and looked out the window.

It was hot but pleasant. Not so many people like in New York, which Tony liked a lot.

It was beautiful.

Tony knew this wasn't a haven. He was a middle-aged man who had gone through plenty of shit. He knew about disappointments and heartbreaks.  
This life Barnes had must have low points, but those low points compared to life as an Avenger, or life with Tony, it was close to nothing.

But Tony wanted. Wanted it so bad, his hands clenched.

Ok, let's go for a walk, Tony thought.

It was a harmless night walk.

There was a flower shop next to the hotel, so he bought something. There was a bakery, so he bought something sweet, chocolate croissant, cupcakes, and something puffy with cream in it.

He went to the wine shop next and got pleasantly surprised by the quality of wine selection. He bought a couple of bottles of wine too.

Then he thought, What the fuck am I doing?

Tony was doing the same things he did last time. He was trying to buy Barnes off. He was going to wine and dine him, coax Barnes into fucking him, be kind until Barnes let his guard down, and while he was wide open, would end up breaking him again.

Tony went back to his hotel room, threw everything in the garbage, drank vodka, Rogers made him hooked, and passed out.

\--

The next day, Tony woke up with a terrible headache and his mouth dry.

He was hungover as fuck. He threw up twice and took a long cold shower.

What the fuck am I doing here? I should go back. This was a bad idea.

Tony scrubbed his whole body raw.

When Tony came out of the shower, he felt someone in the room, and his instinct was to find his gun immediately.

"I took the bullets out."

Barnes was leaning against the wall.

"Your PI wears a terrible cologne."

I'm going to fire him so hard, Tony thought.

"Is that for me?"

Barnes looked at the trash.

"No. Fuck. Yeah. It's for you."

Tony was half-naked and felt self-conscious, which didn't happen often.

"What are you doing here?" Barnes asked, his voice quiet.

"I... wanted to see if you're ok."

"I'm ok. You should leave."

"You're the one in my hotel room."

Barnes stepped forward into the light. Still a long distance between them.

Barnes looked good. Tanned, looked healthy. His hair was shorter, which Tony instantly liked.

But Barnes got bags under his eyes, looked a little tired.

Barnes didn't sleep last night. He knew Tony was in town.

Barnes watched Tony watching him. There was nothing more Tony wanted than to step up to Barnes and touch him.

Tony stopped himself and sat on the chair.

Tony said, looking up at Barnes, "You look…"

Good, happy, satisfied, peaceful, comfortable, calm, gorgeous, Tony could say a million words, but instead, he sighed,

"Different."

"Yeah, it's been a year."

To be exact, it was ten months and twelve days, but Tony didn't correct him.

"I'm going to leave. I've got Friday to book me a jet this afternoon." 

Lie.

Barnes hesitated and said it like it was pulled out of him.

"Don't."

So, Tony didn't.

\--

It was Barnes's day off.

They had a late lunch at a cozy cafe. Barnes ordered for Tony.

Tony watched Barnes eat. He still ate fast. Barnes noticed Tony staring and said,

"Old habits."

They walked around the town. It was sunny, and the air tasted salty.

There was a beach nearby, so they went there.

They didn't talk much.

Tony bought some gelato for Barnes. Barnes still had a sickeningly, unhealthy sweet tooth. Barnes licked one drop off his lips, and Tony tried not to stare.

They sat on the beach, watched little kids play.

It was peaceful, which Tony got to experience just a handful of times.

Is this a date? If they met in a different circumstance, if Tony wasn't Tony and Barnes wasn't Barnes, maybe they could be like this every day.

But it's not.

After walking around, they went to a small restaurant for dinner. Barnes ordered for Tony again. They both had a steak and grilled veggies, mashed potatoes.

Barnes stared at his dish for a while. Tony remembered Barnes' arm and cut it for him. Barnes ordered wine, but Tony's too hungover.

Tony rarely saw Barnes drink, but Barnes drank the whole bottle. His face got rosy red, which Tony found endearing.

"James!"

It was the pretty young thing from the photos. Barnes and the guy talked for a while. They spoke in Italian, so Tony played with his food.

"Who's this handsome guy? You're breaking my heart, James."

The pretty young thing spoke in English.

"This is my…." Barnes thought for a while.

"Tony," Barnes said quietly.

"Well, nice to meet you, Tony. You guys have a nice evening."

Pretty young thing winked at Tony and left. Tony decided he hates him.

Barnes and Tony ate in silence.

Tony drank coffee while Barnes had chocolate cake. Déjà vu.

After they ate, Tony noticed Barnes was stalling. He looked at the empty plates, biting his lips. Tony waited.

The waiter brought the check, and Tony let Barnes pay.

\--

Tony walked Barnes home. 

Barnes stumbled a bit, drunk, and Tony caught him by instinct.

That was the first time they touched. Tony felt Barnes flinch and let go quickly.

\--

They arrived at Barnes's apartment.

Barnes lingered, his eyes wandering, and Tony waited.

Barnes finally asked,

"Do you want to come up?"

"Do you want me to?"

Barnes thought for a long time.

He's not sure. I should go, Tony thought and tried to find the right way to say goodbye when Barnes whispered,

"Yes."

\--

They went up to Barnes's home.

It was a one-bedroom apartment with a tiny kitchen and a tinier bathroom, small but clean.

Barnes didn't have a lot of things, but Tony thought Barnes liked it that way.

There was no duffle bag used as a closet lying on the floor. 

Barnes was here to stay.

Tony stood in the middle of the apartment, watching Barnes straightening up some things, which was unnecessary because there was nothing to clean up. Barnes just wanted to keep his hands busy.

"Do you want something to drink?" Barnes asked.

"No, I'm fine."

Barnes took a water bottle out of the fridge and drank the whole bottle.

"Why are you here?" Barnes asked, his voice stiff.

"You invited me here."

"No, I mean, why are you here?"

"I wanted to see you."

Barnes put the empty water bottle on the table. Barnes bit on his lips, which Tony immediately wanted to lick.

"You kicked me out. I begged."

"Do you want me to beg?" Tony asked slowly.

"Beg for what?"

Tony didn't know what to say.

"Come here." 

They stood face to face. Barnes hesitated a while, then leaned in to kiss him. It was a chaste, quick kiss.

Tony wanted to touch him, kiss him, put his arm around him, and squeeze tight, but he couldn't. He had to wait.

They stared at each other, closely, breathing in and out.

Barnes lastly put his hand on Tony's cheek and brushed his lips, gave a short lick Tony's closed lips, his soft breath light on Tony's.

Tony leaned in to deepen the kiss, but Barnes shook his head twice, then looked down at the floor.

He doesn't want me here, Tony thought. He should leave now.

But Tony couldn't move, just frozen in front of Barnes, waiting for him.

"I wanted to..." Barnes said, gazing at the floor. His fingers carefully moved to the back of Tony's neck, caressing, shaking.

"I missed you so much," Barnes whispered, his voice breaking, looked at him straight with his eyes welling up with tears.

Tony couldn't handle it anymore. He put his arm around him and closed their distance pressed tight. Barnes's scent, body, how he melted on Tony's touch, it was all so painfully familiar, Tony clenched his teeth.

Barnes tilted his head, found Tony's lips, and dived in.

Their kiss felt natural because they've done it a million times, but it was new because now Barnes was different, and Tony wanted him more than anything.

Now that Tony got permission, he stroked Barnes's neck, pushed his hand in Barnes's hair and tugged him in, licked into Barnes's mouth, breathed and swallowed his moan.

Barnes lay down on the bed dragging Tony with him.

Tony got on top of Barnes, touching everywhere he could reach, one hand always in Barnes's hair. Barnes pushed his hand in Tony's pants, and Tony caught Barnes, stopped him.

"This is not a good idea."

"Then why are you here?"

"God damn it, Barnes. I'm not here to fuck you."

"Fuck you. I want you to fuck me. For once, just shut up and do what I want."

\--

So, they fucked.

Tony wanted to go slow, but Barnes wouldn't let him.

Barnes had no lube or condoms.

Tony said first, "I'm clean."

Tony didn't add, "There was no one else after you."

Barnes did say it, "There's no one else."

"What about that guy?"

"It was just a kiss. I saw your PI wandering."

"Trying to make me jealous?"

"It worked, didn't it?"

Tony wanted to say it wasn't jealousy that drove him here, but Barnes didn't give him a chance.

\-- 

It was too rough.

Barnes ripped his clothes off desperately, and Tony's too. When their naked skin met, Tony felt like he was falling.

More skin, more touch, more warmth, more scent, more, more, more.

Tony wanted to stretch Barnes out slowly, lick him out. But Barnes climbed on him, spat on his palm, hastily shoved two fingers in his ass a couple of times, and sank on Tony's cock.

"Wait," Tony tried to stop him by holding Barnes's hip up, but Barnes was as stubborn as ever. Barnes forced himself down with his weight, wincing and groaning because of the pain.

It was dry and too tight.

Tony flipped Barnes over with force.

"Tony," Barnes objected.

"I wanted this for so long. I'm not going to fuck you dry. No," Tony barked. 

Barnes looked up at him, silently, his lips slightly apart. Barnes was thinking. What is it?

Tony leaned down to kiss him and added gently, "Ok?"

Barnes nodded.

Tony put Barnes on his stomach and prepped him with his tongue and fingers, watching how Barnes desperately held on to the sheet, pushing on to Tony's tongue than backing off.

When Tony slid his tongue next to the two fingers he pushed in his hole, Barnes broke and climbed on Tony to ride him, but Tony held Barnes's hips tight, made Barnes sit on his face, pulled his hips down hard, and ate him out, one hand stroking Barnes's cock.

Tony flicked his tongue on his hole to his balls. Barnes looked down at him, licking and sucking beneath him with wide eyes and his mouth slightly open. When Tony slowly sucked Barnse's ball in his mouth, not breaking eye contact, Barnes lost it. 

Barnes squirmed out of Tony's hands and tongue and collapsed flat on his stomach. Tony didn't let Barnes go, jumped on top of Barnes, and pushed two fingers in, rubbing his own hard cock on Barnes's thighs.

Barnes put his face deep in the sheets, moaned and whined but never begged. Not once.

Barnes instead said,

"Are you going to finger me to death? Or are you going to fuck me?"

Tony smiled and flipped him back to fuck him, face to face. Tony had to see him. 

Tony slid into him, watching Barnes's face, feeling Barnes's opening up for Tony, and his wet, dripping, warm inside clenching his cock. He just pushed in his tip, and they both moaned loudly at the sensation.

Tony kept thinking, this is not a dream. This is Barnes.

Tony pushed in, opening Barnes up with his cock inch by inch. Barnes didn't do this for at least a year. Tony had to take it slow.

But Barnes tugged Tony's hips and buried Tony's cock to the hilt in a second. Tony saw white, Barnes's inside took his cock, quivering, trying to adjust to the pressure.

Barnes threw his head back, his neck pulsing. It was too much. But Tony had to push through so, Tony breathed hard once and took Barnes's hand clenching the sheets, clasped it tightly.

Tony took a second, thinking again, this is Barnes, I'm inside him, and it's not a dream.

"Move," Barnes said, raising his hips to pull him in.

But Tony resisted and looked into Barnes's eyes for a while.

"Move," Barnes wrapped his legs around him.

Tony put his forehead on Barnes's, breathing everything in. Kissed Barnes's cheek, and lazily licked long strip on his neck, as if he had all the time in the world.

"Tony," Barnes whispered, broken.

"I got you," Tony whispered and lay flat down over Barnes, snapped his hips rough and fast. He didn't give Barnes time to breathe, just pounded his hips, groaning, overwhelmed by the waves of pleasure.

The bed squeaked, bedpost rammed into the wall loudly. Tony worried they might break the bed. Barnes seemed like he was tight on money, and Barnes wouldn't let Tony buy him a new one.

"Stop thinking," Barnes bit Tony's lip hard.

Tony roughed it up, pounded fast into Barnes, found his soft spot, and thrust into him again and again until Barnes was gasping for breath. Tony looked down to see Barnes's cock, glistening, hard, bouncing on his stomach, craving to be touched, and had no choice but to stroke it. Barnes arched his hips up to meet him, his face damp with sweat and spit.

The sound of his cock entering Barnes's wet hole and balls slapping on Barnes's ass, the damp, dirty sound of them sloppily kissing, both of them breathing hard like they're dying, and Barnes moaning and huffing without trying to hide his pleasure and want, the constant squeaking of the bed.

It was all too perfect.

Tony felt Barnes heading to come and pulled his cock out. Barnes protested, but Tony was going to drag this out. He wasn't going to let this be a quick fuck.

He licked Barnes's nipples and twisted it hard, making Barnes yelp. When Tony put two fingers in Barnes's mouth, he sucked it obediently. With the wet two fingers rubbing his prostate slowly, Tony sucked Barnes off, using his hands and mouth. He licked around the tip and flicked his tongue to tease him. Barnes knew Tony would do way more damage, so he closed his eyes, but Tony wasn't going to let him.

"Look at me," Tony said, brushing Barnes's perineum.

When Barnes opened his eyes, Tony swallowed him whole, noting the blush on Barnes's face was deepening. Tony raised Barnes's hip and gave him a sign with his eyes and touch. Barnes hesitated then slowly and gently fucked Tony's mouth. Tony hollowed his cheek, letting Barnes fuck his throat. At the sound of Tony's whine, Barnes pulled right back.

Just before he snaps, Tony pushed Barnes down and slid into him.

Tony knew how Barnes liked it, what made him shudder, where to touch when he made a particular face when to push in hard or slow, how much pressure he wanted when Tony was stroking his cock, how dirty the kiss should be.

Although Barnes was almost out of his mind because of the pressure, his face was the text-book orgasm face; Tony caught Barnes sometimes staring at him with a distinct look. A look of suspicion, alert, disbelief.

Tony was getting frustrated when Barnes asked with his voice cracking.

"Can I come? Please."

Fuck.

Barnes begged, for the first time.

"Please."

Tony didn't answer, and paced his thrust faster, and smashed on his mouth hard, swallowed Barnes's moans. He noticed Barnes trying not to come. 

So to make it happen, Tony spat on his palm loud and jerked Barnes off without mercy while thrusting in brutally. Barnes squirmed away from Tony's cock and hands so he won't come, but Tony persisted.

Is it too much? Tony thought, but Tony wanted, just for once, to see Barnes come without permission. Tony bit on Barnes's shoulder hard and snapped his hips with his whole body.

And when Tony thought he couldn't handle it, Barnes shuddered, came with a shout. Barnes couldn't help himself, and Tony liked it a lot.

Tony saw stars when Barnes squeezed as he came, but bit the inside of his mouth and didn't come. Tony slowed his thrust down and kissed him through his orgasm, licking inside, sucking Barnes's breath, felt Barnes insides spasm.

When Barnes stopped shaking, Tony pulled out. He didn't want to come. This was for Barnes.

Tony got off of Barnes and sat beside him, with a raging hard-on, but it would go away. Tony was thinking about what to say. But Barnes pushed Tony flat down and rode him, deliciously squeezing and grinding, with his eyes on him. Tony came, his thighs wobbling. He worried for a second while shaking; his orgasm was hanging around too long, then Barnes kept riding him, this time sloppily kissed him, and somehow made Tony come again. Pleasure hit him like a clap of thunder. This time Tony was very worried he might die.

When they recovered, Tony still didn't know what to do.

He couldn't leave, he couldn't stay.

The only thing that he knew with certainty was that he wanted Barnes.

Tony leaned his forehead to Barnes. Their lips were numb and swollen, but Tony kissed Barnes while stroking Barnes's back. 

Tony could feel the old scars with his fingertips.

"Your hair is greying," Barnes said and hesitated. Barnes wanted to touch.

Tony grabbed Barnes's wrist and put it on his hair. Barnes ran his finger through, his eyes half-closed. He was finally relaxed.

"I'm an old man, Barnes." 

Barnes's smile was shy.

\--

Yes, Barnes was different. He said what he wanted, took what he wanted.

But now, even after a year, he became nervous and unsure with Tony. He asked for permission to come for Christ's sake.

He looked comfortable before, but after just a day with Tony, it was like he was already back to how he was a year ago.

The open and vulnerable, quiet, timid guy who had a hard time saying what he wanted. Thought he deserved all the pain and hurt in the world. 

It broke Tony's heart.

What should he do now?

Tony knew he should leave. It was too selfish to want to stay.

Tony broke things. Everyone who got involved with him left with their heartbroken or worse.

Tony broke Barnes too.

Barnes should be running away screaming.

Tony loved him, yes. Maybe Barnes did too. But Tony was too beat and tired that he knew that wasn't going to solve anything.

\--

Barnes fell asleep naked, his body warm and pliant.  
Tony watched Barnes sleeping for a long time and left.

\--

Back at the hotel room, Tony packed his things and called Friday.

"Get the jet ready. I'll be leaving in 10 minutes."

"Yes, sir."

Tony looked out the window. He could see Barnes's apartment from here.

Tony took his things and went back to Barnes.

\--

Tony bought breakfast, something sweet and fluffy for Barnes, coffee for himself. The flower shop was open, so he got some. Tony realized he didn't know what flower he liked. Or if he liked it at all.

Tony would ask. Ask everything and talk about everything, even things in the Tower. They could talk, and it might work out.

But when Tony got back, the place was empty.

Barnes was gone. 

Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4/16/20 - I'm back to fix some stuff. Rewrite some parts, put some new chapters in. One of the big changes is going to be the last chapter.
> 
> If you guys have any feedback, it would be much appreciated!


	26. Chapter 26

When Tony went back, Barnes wasn't there.

Everything seemed to be the same as he left. Tony wanted to believe that Barnes went out for a jog, an errand, anything that would mean he would come back and say some dry comment about the flowers, but deep down in his heart, Tony knew.

Barnes was gone.

Tony slumped on the mattress they made love a few hours ago and counted to one hundred and back, trying to keep his heart rate down.

When he got the strength back, Tony searched the whole house to find clues. Barnes's guns behind the fridge and his emergency bag in the bathroom ceiling were gone.

Tony was nothing if not observant. He found Barnes's survival kit last night. His heart sank at the thought of Barnes always ready to leave. On the surface, Barnes looked happy and settled, but he was still watching his back closely.

Tony was out for less than three hours, but during that time, Barnes took everything he needed, got rid of his traces, and took off. Tony learned later that there was no handprint, no strand of hair, no sign whatsoever of Barnes living there for more than six months.

\--

Tony knew why Barnes left.

Barnes had some unresolved feelings about Tony. Barging in on his new life, and bringing the painful memory and feeling to resurface, that was a dick move.

He came alone, but Barnes might suspect that wasn't all. If Barnes agreed to be with him, Rogers would come into the equation, and one by one, he would be sucked back into his old life. Though Tony had no intention whatsoever of getting Barnes back to the Tower.

If Barnes were there, Tony would've promised, finally promised him never to leave and protect him. He could leave everything behind for Barnes. But Barnes wouldn't know.

Tony deeply regretted that he made Barnes leave his safe life. How hard he must've worked to build that, Tony couldn't imagine. Starting with nothing, when the whole world and especially Tony were out to find him.

Tony wished to god that Barnes finally got his end. Tony chasing him, begging to take him back might've given him some sense of closure.

This time, Tony would let Barnes go. The thought of never seeing Barnes again gave him great pain, but he was happy to meet Barnes for the last time.

It wasn't a bad memory. They had a wonderful date and amazing sex.

That was good enough for Tony.

\--

Tony hid in his penthouse for weeks, drinking in the dark, until Rogers broke the door and dragged him into the shower.

"I'm going to send a bill for the door," Tony complained in the tub. Tony refused to move, so Rogers threw him in the bathtub full of hot water.

"You have a bad habit of breaking down doors, Rogers. You broke Barnes's door, what ten times? So, does this mean I'm your friend again?"

Rogers was busy draining all alcohol Tony had in the toilet. It was going to take some time.

"That's a thousand-dollar bottle!" Tony shouted.

Rogers poured it all out, looking straight at him. Tony swore and took his wet clothes off when he noticed Rogers averting his eyes.

"Barnes would be furious if we fuck now. He might come back to kill us. You want to try?" Tony smirked.

Rogers turned red and walked out, swearing out loud.

\--

Tony was sure he was going to die of heartbreak, but unfortunately, he didn't.

So he had to go on living. Plus, Rogers threatened to kill him if he didn't. Tony wasn't sure being Rogers's friend again was a good thing. But it seemed like he had no choice in the matter.

Tony couldn't stare at his hand all day, so he went back to work.

Indifferent and detached, Tony didn't feel like making anything new. He mostly did what he was asked. Tech work for missions, did some maintenance and upgraded weapons. He made public appearances when Pepper asked.

Tony was probably the most cooperative in his life. His mother used to say he was a difficult child from the start, so that was something.

He couldn't drink, because Rogers would freak out, and he didn't want to see another thousand-dollar bottle of scotch drained down the toilet. It didn't serve the drink right.

Tony would drink secretly hiding from Rogers, feeling like a teenager, or simply sat in the dark.

Tony thought about what he should've done. Or shouldn't have. Mostly what he shouldn't have.

What Barnes knew. What Barnes was feeling, thinking.

Tony tried to keep his Barnes thinking sessions limited to the past because if he started to question 'What is he doing?' 'Where is he now?' everything would fall downhill from there.

\--

Tony was at a charity event. High-class. Minimum a grand per seat.

People didn't care if Tony was broken or not. Even if he stared at his plate like a grumpy kid, they would come to him.

And broken Tony was still Tony. He could walk around these social events on auto-pilot, smile, flirt, shake hands, say something charming, act interested in their shitty stories, take those god damn selfies without any effort.

Pepper was sending Tony to these events an awful lot these days. He was grateful that he had something to do every other night. But the repetition was driving him out of his mind.

Shitty food. Speech after speech. All similar. Did they all share the same chef and speechwriter? Then some entertainment, which Tony could see on TV in the comfort of his own darkroom.

Just to kill time, Tony started to count people on these events, watch how unbroken people live.

One hundred twelve, that lady's drunk. One hundred thirteen, the lady's angry husband, oh, they're definitely going to fight tonight. One hundred fourteen, she's a blogger, how did she get in?

And then when he counted one hundred fifteen, his heart jumped.

Shitty suit. Hot as hell. The familiar figure he dreamt and ached for.

It was Barnes.

Tony doubted his eyes because Barnes couldn't be here having shitty food like it was the most natural thing in the world. And Barnes wasn't alone. He was with a much older lady, cutting her stake for her.

Then Barnes made eye-contact with him and smiled. Tony could feel his heart pounding loud. Barnes whispered something to her and headed to the door.

Tony followed him, feeling like he was dreaming. Barnes walked at a calm pace for two blocks then turned left to the alley without ever looking back. Tony turned the corner and was pinned against the wall in a flash.

"You have an arm," was the stupid thing that came out of Tony's mouth.

"Yeah, I got it."

"From who?"

"You're not the only one who can make one."

"But who? Ok, let me see that first."

Barnes mashed their lips together, hungrily dug in. Tony had so many questions, so many things he wanted to say, but he returned the kiss like his life was depending on it.

The alley smelled like most New york alleys, wet trash, piss, some kind of exotic food's smell all mixed together. But the faintest familiar scent of Barnes sank him.

Barnes stepped back and put an arm's length of the distance between them. Tony lightly pulled Barnes's wrist, but Barnes stood his ground.

"Don't track the lady I came with. It won't work."

"Ok," Tony nodded, tucked a strand of Barnes's hair behind his ear. He then touched Barnes's earlobes to his jaw, ended up at Barnes's smooth, flushed cheek. Barnes kissed the middle of Tony's palm, rubbed his face like a cat.

"You promise?" Barnes asked.

"Yeah," Tony answered, and Barnes kneeled fast as if he got permission.

"Wait! The ground's wet. You'll ruin your suit," is the other stupid thing that came out of his mouth, not "Don't blow me in this dirty alley. I could get the nearest hotel room in 5 seconds", or "Why are you here? Are you coming back?" or "Are you safe?" or "I missed you so much."

"Why do you care? You always hated my clothes," Barnes grinned as he pulled Tony's zipper down.

"That's true, but, oh, god," Tony moaned.

Tony was embarrassingly close, but to be fair, this was a dirty public alley, Barnes was wearing a suit, which was shitty but he pulled it off, his eyes were sparkling blue even in this lighting, and most of all, it was Barnes. Looking up at him with Tony's cock sticking out of his mouth.

"Can you please, uhh, ah, Barnes, wait."

Tony gripped Barnes's hair tight to slow him down, but Barnes moved quick. Barnes bobbed his head fast, and Tony almost missed the chance to take it out of Barnes's mouth and spill on the floor.

Tony tried to stand upright on his trembling legs, the embarrassment of coming so hard after a few flicks of tongue not yet hit him.

Barnes kissed him, this time softly, barely brushing their lips, and put Tony's spent cock back in his pants.

And before Tony could say anything, Barnes was gone. Tony rushed out to the street, but it was after Barnes disappeared into the crowd.

Tony stood in the middle of the street with Barnes's taste left in his mouth, his lips burning, and the touch of Barnes's warm cheek left vividly in his hand.

\--

Barnes didn't come back to the venue as Tony expected.

Tony did try to track Barnes, breaking his promise.

She was a rich, recent widower. Her son had a late meeting and didn't want her to go alone, so he found a security company to send someone until he got here.

The lady, the son, the security company, all didn't know Barnes's real identity. Barnes used a fake name, got paid in cash.

Needless to say, the lady enjoyed his company, saying Barnes was a sweetheart and a gentleman. She told Tony she wished to see him again and Tony couldn't agree more.

\--

Twelve days after the event, Tony was in Silicon Valley, the place he couldn't decide if he loved or hated, to present an Honorary award.

Pepper's dear friend was getting the award. Tony wanted to get out of the city and make Pepper happy, so he got in the jet.

Tony was reading the teleprompter dryly. She's a close friend, such visionary, she'll change the world, et cetera and stopped dead.

Barnes, again, amid the crowd, this time walking out of the auditorium.

Tony read the rest of the speech as fast as he could, rushed to shake hands and kissed the recipient's cheek with such intensity, the next day's gossip magazine was plastered with their photos.

Tony hurried out but couldn't find Barnes.

"Fuck!!" Tony shouted aloud.

Then Barnes came out of nowhere and grabbed Tony's wrist.

\--

For the last twelve days, Tony had been dreaming of this reunion. And he made a detailed plan to talk to him, ask him some questions without smothering him, none specific general things, tell him how Tony feels and if things go right, beg him to come back.

But Tony abandoned his plans and got down on his knees. If Barnes didn't pull him to the empty lot behind the building, he would've blown him in the middle of the street.

"My knees can't handle this," Tony grunted as he stood up.

Barnes handed Tony a water bottle out of thin air, still panting.

"You taking care of me?" Tony smiled and kissed Barnes's neck. Barnes slid his shaky hand in Tony's pants, but Tony pinned him against the wall and felt his way around Barnes's body. And when Tony felt Barnes relax, caught his arm.

"I never saw anything like this. Where did you get it? This is definitely not in stores. Dark market? Did LM sell this to you, because last I checked he was not in this level of sophistica..."

Barnes stopped Tony's rambling by giving him a perfect handjob, he thought his brain was dripping out when he came.

When Tony caught his breath, Barnes was gone again.

\--

Like that, their relationship started again.

Sometimes it felt like they were dating. If meeting maybe once or twice a month, all by Barnes's choice, fuck and leave, could be called dating.

\--

Next time was in a public restroom.

How Tony ended up there and how the hell Barnes knew was a mystery, but Barnes didn't give him time to ask.

On an impulse, Tony went on a walk. A walk in the afternoon, like an old man, which he couldn't say he wasn't.

He was walking around, thinking, should he get that suspicious hotdog or not? How much would he regret later?

Tony was making a mental pro and con list over a street hotdog when someone grabbed his shoulder and dragged him along. Tony was sure he was getting kidnapped, but it was Barnes. Tony followed him to a public restroom, where the dim light constantly flickered, which Tony was thankful because he would rather not see the scenery clearly.

"Barnes, listen, wait. Look at me and listen," Tony stopped Barnes from sucking his neck and held Barnes's face with both hands.

"I love that you're here, and I will suck your cock or fuck you anywhere, anytime, but this is not acceptable, ok? Let's get a room. I promise I'll let you go quickly."

Barnes just handed Tony a tub of lube and lowered his jeans so Tony could see his bare ass.

"I did half. You do the rest."

"God damn it," Tony swore and dropped his jeans.

Tony hated every aspect of the place until he found it had excellent acoustics, so he could hear every sound Barnes made. And having a mirror in front of them was a definite plus. The mirror was filthy but enough to see Barnes blush when he made an embarrassing sound.

Tony got the condom off, gasping for breath when he felt a soft kiss on his cheek and saw Barnes rushing out.

"Wait, wait, wait. I'm going to scream," Tony said, frantically catching Barnes's waist.

Tony kissed the back of Barnes's neck and said,

"Next time, we do this inside, somewhere that doesn't have piss on the floor."

"Ok."

Tony squeezed him tight once and let go.

\--

Next time, they fucked in the backseat of a parked car.

"When I said inside, I meant a room," Tony grunted, raising Barnes's hips.

"Come on," Barnes whined when Tony slid in way too slowly.

"This is not a place for a proper fucking. Maybe teenager's handjob, or a blowjob if he's lucky. Not. For. You. And. Me," Tony snapped his hips firmly to emphasize his words. Barnes threw his head back and banged his head hard on the door.

"Why the fuck would you... You ok?"

Tony leaned down and rubbed Barnes's head, and Barnes took it as an opportunity to drag him down to kiss him.

"You complain a lot," Barnes rolled his hips lewdly.

Tony put his hand between Barnes' head and the door, so Barnes wouldn't hit the car door every time he slammed in. He got a bruise and couldn't use his wrist right for two days, but Tony didn't fucking regret one second of it. 

At one point, Barnes was begging him to touch him, so Tony made him promise.

"I'm not going to fuck you unless there's a wall, a mattress, a sink. Or we get a hotel room."

"Ok, Agh, Fine. Now, will you please touch me?"

\--

It got a little better next time, an abandoned warehouse with a mattress and a broken sink.

After they both came, Barnes didn't run out right away, because Tony was lying on top of him, not letting him go.

"Are you living here?" Tony kissed the top of his head, sneaking a glance at a shitty duffle bag in the corner.

"Not anymore," Barnes raised his head to kiss him.

Tony hesitated. He knew Barnes didn't want personal talk, but...

"Do you need money?"

Barnes pinned Tony down to the mattress.

"I'm ok."

\--

But Tony couldn't shake off his old bad habit.

Tony found one of Barnes's bank account and put 50K anonymously, which didn't work. Barnes knew it was from him.

Tony got a note from a random janitor that just said, "No."

The money was back in his other secret account that only two people in the world knew except Tony. It was a warning. Barnes was almost too good at his job, which made Tony want to touch himself. And he did twice in the shower.

\--

Barnes's approach changed every time.

Sometimes Barnes would show up spontaneously when Tony was in public events.

Sometimes a note with an address and time would magically appear in his room.

Sometimes a random person would deliver him a note directly and disappear.

Tony told Barnes he wouldn't follow him, so don't go through all the trouble and just text. Barnes would nod but never did.

Barnes knew Tony would try to find him.

\--

Berlin tech university. Guest Lecture. The translator's assistant went on a coffee run. Tony's latte had a note hidden on the side. A time and an address.

At least this time, it was a motel.

Tony heard footsteps and rushed to the door, quickly brushed his nose in Barnes's neck, breathing in deep.

"Thank you for bringing me to a motel. I'm so touched. Though you could work on the quality," Tony kissed him, secretly checking Barnes if he was ok.

Barnes pushed Tony to the wall and stripped down, not breaking eye contact.

"Oh, you're cruel," Tony grunted.

Naked Barnes slowly crawled up to him, raising his hips up, like a cat. Fucking filthy, insatiable cat.

"You're a cruel, cruel man," Tony said, breathing deep, frantically thinking, 'Please don't come, don't come, not yet,' because Barnes was pulling his zipper down with his teeth, looking up at Tony like he meant the world to him. 

Tony had to force Barnes to bed. He wanted to take his time and avoid coming in his pants in less than five minutes of meeting Barnes.

"I don't have a lot of time left. I'm getting older," Tony murmured against Barnes's mouth.

"Very sexy," Barnes pushed his hand under Tony's shirt.

"I'm serious. I work a lot. I drink. I'm in tremendous stress all the time," Tony licked Barnes's neck, his hand on Barnes's hips, massaging slowly.

"Because I don't get to see you."

"You can see me now, so shut up," Barnes pulled Tony down for a proper tongue and teeth kiss, so Tony stopped talking like an obedient child.

\--

Tony found out where Barnes got his arm.

Barnes wouldn't let him examine it. No question was allowed.

Tony had to peek at it while sucking Barnes's cock. He didn't get much time, because Barnes soon flipped him to ride him, but Tony was quick with tech.

Black market. From a woman named Shuri.

He tried to meet her, offered her a ton of money, but she flatly refused. Tony never saw someone saying no to this much cash, so he decided he likes her.

The arm seemed to work fine, but he started to build a new one for Barnes.

Barnes wouldn't take Tony's arm, he knows, but what was the harm in making it in secret?

\--

Next month, Tony was in Tokyo, Tech Festival, guest speaker, and found a note in his hotel room.

He took a cab straight away and arrived in a questionable neighborhood. Tony was wondering if he was about to get robbed when Barnes took him to a closed shabby shopping mall's empty store and kissed his breath away.

"I might die soon. This might be the last time I see you," Tony slammed in, holding Barnes in place.

Barnes pushed Tony off and got on his hands and knees, looked back.

"Then make it a good one."

Barnes came three times that night. After Tony came, he fucked Barnes's abused hole with his fingers, touching everywhere he could reach, hoping to tire Barnes to sleep so he would stay a little longer.

They fucked like they were competing. Barnes won. Tony fell asleep first, and when he woke up, Barnes was gone, only confused Japanese people were watching him.

\--

Vancouver. Ted Talk. The note was in his fresh suit jacket pocket from the hotel's laundry service.

This time it was a small apartment with a wall, a mattress, and a sink. Good.

"Stop hitting me. I'm not going to move," Tony was sitting on Barnes's lap to stop him from running.

"I want a shower," Barnes whined.

"You don't need one. We're going to do it again anyway. And that's not important. Because I'm dying of heartbreak," Tony started to say the cheesiest stuff because he was that guy who could pull of the most outrageously cheesy things. Barnes frowned and pushed Tony off, but he could see Barnes blushing.

"You'll find me dead, with your picture in one hand, and another on my dick. Pepper's going to kill me again, and you're next."

"You don't have my picture."

"Oh, I do. The dirtiest ones."

"I told you to delete it!"

"Never."

\--

Tony got a dog.

Rogers argued he had to get a rescue, so he went to the shelter, adopted the one Rogers picked.

"You sure Barnes is going to like this?" Tony asked, doubtful, but Rogers ignored him, busy playing with the dog.

\--

The room was too hot. 

Barnes was lying on his stomach, naked. Tony drew a long wet line with the cold water bottle from Barnes's leg to his shoulder, grinned at Barnes shuddering.

"I got a present for you," Tony said, handing Barnes a water bottle.

Barnes took the water bottle from him and raised his eyebrows.

"Present?" Barnes shook the bottle.

"No, not that. I got a dog."

"You hate dogs," Barnes gave him a suspicious look.

"Yeah, but I have you. And you like dogs."

Tony showed him some photos, and Rogers was right. Barnes was glued to it immediately.

"She's beautiful. What's her name?"

"I wanted you to name her. So you'll get attached, which is my master plan."

"Rosie," Barnes said. "She looks like a Rosie." 

"That's a fucking terrible name."

"She looks lonely," Barnes ignored Tony and looked at the pictures.

"I'm lonely," Tony argued, thinking it was ridiculous how jealous he got of a dog that Barnes never even met.

"You're not a dog," Barnes said cooly but nestled in closer.

"She's not lonely. I already got her like five people working for her. The dog's having the time of her life, really," Tony threw his phone and climbed on Barnes.

"What a great effort," Barnes grinned and got Tony's phone back, looked at the photos for fucking twenty minutes till Tony ran out of patience and shoved his fingers in him.

"And Rogers does all the work so. Rogers misses you," Tony slipped it in.

"I miss him too," Barnes muttered quietly.

\--

The thing was, the dog with a terrible name, kind of grew on him.

Tony was never a pet person, which was Howard's fault. He never got a pet, so he decided to think that he didn't want one. But now, just the sound of the dog's paws hitting the floor when she ran to him would make him smile, so Tony was screwed.

"Dog? God damn it. Rosie?" Tony called but no paw floor sound.

Rogers was at the workshop, playing with Rosie.

"You saw Bucky again?"

"Yup," Tony answered, checking reports from her vet, dog walker, nutritionist, and massage therapist. If he was going to bait Barnes right, he had to keep her in the best condition.

"How is he?" Rogers asked.

"He's ok. The name's Rosie, by the way."

"Cute name."

Yeah, right.

"Ok, Good night, Tony."

Rogers turned around with no further comment.

"Rogers. Don't you want to know more? How could you just... go?"

"I waited for him for much longer. He'll come back."

\--

Budapest. Work trip. A kid came and gave him a note then ran away.

There was just a lumpy mattress on the floor and an old refrigerator, no airconditioning, so they were both choking of heat, but Tony swore he could live there until he died of old age.

"I'm going to, ah, build a cage," Tony said, helping Barnes grind on his cock.

"And lock you up," Tony flipped Barnes on his back and slammed in, holding Barnes's hips close.

"Really. I'm not bluffing." 

While Barnes was dozing off, Tony kissed and sucked and bit, left marks all over his body.

So Barnes would remember him.

\--

MIT. Guest Speaker.

Tony came back to his hotel and found Barnes naked, sprawled on the bed. His heart jumped not at the fact they finally had air conditioning and a working shower, but at the possibility of sharing room service.

"I'm building a cage for you," Tony said, running his fingers lightly over Barnes's cheek.

"I'm pretty sure I can get out," Barnes sucked the tip of his cock and splayed his warm hands over Tony's thighs.

"Ok, It's not a cage. I thought it would sound more romantic."

"Romantic?" Barnes raised his eyebrows then spread Tony's cheeks apart.

"You know because we talked about it last time. Why did I say it this way?" Tony grunted, watching Barnes swallow him whole.

"Stop that and listen. Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck," Barnes pushed his thumb in Tony.

Tony took a deep breath and continued.

"It's a house. Right next to the lake. Three stories. Seven rooms. Oh, come on, that's not fair," Tony whined when Barnes licked a long line on the side his cock, his finger stubbornly rubbing Tony's soft spot.

"I'm talking to you," Another finger joined in, making Tony see stars.

"You could have," Tony pushed in Barnes's soft mouth, careful not to hurt him.

"Two rooms. Uhh, fuck. One has an amazing view. Another, not so much, but you can't have everything. I'm going to, agh, use one as a workshop, one as an office. We give one to Rosie, she's getting too big. Honey, ahh, teeth, teeth."

One glance at Barnes showed Tony that it was on purpose. Barnes gave him a look, which Tony knew too well. 'Stop talking.' Tony shrugged and continued.

"We need a TV room. You know, TV got crazy good these days. The last one is the bedroom."

"That's it?"

"Ok, you can have my TV room."

"What if I don't like it?" Two fingers in and Tony was panting, squirming for more.

"Then I'll build another one. Aah, babe, slow down. You want to fuck me, you have to stop, ah, shit, shit." 

Tony came on Barnes's fingers, and Barnes didn't give him time to breathe and rammed his cock in, so Tony forgot what he was going to say.

It was, "Come home with me." But Barnes left before Tony could say that.

But Tony was pretty sure Barnes knew.

\--

Tony didn't just build one house by the lake. He bought a chunk of land around the house and built seven decoy houses distant from Tony's home.

Tony planned and designed everything, but he couldn't build it all alone. He hired seven random people from different cities to hire fourteen other people and so on, and so on. No one knew each other, and Tony made each of them sign for the contractor, interior designer, plumber, electrician, carpenters, all with a fake name, plus he snuck in the NDA form. Everyone involved didn't know who the real boss was. He put ten people and six small businesses between him and money to hide the tracks. Tony rented and sold the other houses by agency contracts, so it wouldn't look suspicious.

What Tony did was definitely illegal, but he had to, or people with agendas would find them.

Tony wanted to prepare for when Barnes decides he was ready and move in with him, with Rosie. He desperately wished that day would come.

\--

Paris. Tech expo.

They were in Tony's hotel because Tony refused to fuck him anywhere else. Tony argued it was immoral not to spoil him at least a little bit. They were in Paris, Tony's not that cynical. Barnes protested and got a vibrating cock ring, Tony's insistent tongue in his ass for a good fifteen minutes. Tony threatened him with no sex, rubbing his cock on Barnes's ass if Barnes won't give him a thirty-minute walk and a night snack.

Barnes went wild when they got to the dessert shop. Barnes had to stop Tony from buying every kind they sold. But they got out of the shop with plenty. They walked far apart, but Tony took a leap and kissed him in public. They couldn't touch because they were holding sweets on each hand.

When their kiss deepened, Barnes dropped his precious desserts and put his arm around him.

Barnes ended up spending the whole night with him. After taking a bite of every dessert, Barnes kissed him, grinning at how Tony winced at the taste but couldn't take his mouth and hand off of him.

Barnes ate everything, so Tony had to taste all of it. They stayed up late, fucked one more time, and lay naked in bed tangled.

Barnes tried to sneak out quietly, thinking Tony was asleep.

"I love you," Tony said.

Barnes froze, his face hidden in the dark.

"I love you," Tony said again.

Barnes left without a word, not turning back once.

\--

Tony worried he spooked Barnes.

But Barnes came back two weeks later.

They fucked like nothing happened.

Tony sank on Barnes's cock, watching his face, trying to memorize it.

"Stop staring and move," Barnes whined.

Tony wanted so much more, but if this was what Barnes wanted, he could get on with it. It was better than nothing.

So he slammed down, again and again, listening to the sound Barnes made and came on Barnes's cock, his thighs trembling.

Barnes looked at the bruise on Tony's hips in the shape of his fingers, to be precise, the metal one, worried and guilty.

"It's fine. I'm flattered," Tony said, trying to get under the covers so Barnes would stop staring at it. Tony could feel the bruise getting darker by the minute.

"I told you, you have to stop me," Barnes was glued to the bruise, followed him inside the cover. Tony dragged him out and looked straight into his eyes.

"Stop fussing. And don't you dare tell me you're not going to fuck me anymore. I love it when you top. Didn't you just see me come?"

"Yeah," Barnes blushed.

"So, go away and come back when you can get it up again. I want one more," Tony said, and Barnes grinned, jumped on him right then with a massive hardon he magically produced.

Tony thought, this was ok, they were good, he could live like this, while being kissed breathless with Barnes's hard cock brushing on his inner thighs.

\--

Barcelona. Charity event.

They got into a huge fight.

Tony had a big scandal with a well-known writer. She wasn't famous for her writing, although it wasn't that bad. Her fame came from her beauty. Tony was just talking to her at the event, and the paparazzi saw them talking. And she kissed him.

Tony thought Barnes would've seen it and was scared that he might not come back.

But Tony got a note with an address and a date.

\--

Tony heard the door open and started rambling.

"Hey, nothing happened. She kissed me first, and I pushed her right away."

Barnes just shrugged and dragged Tony to the bed.

After they fucked, Tony said,

"She's a fucking bitch. I'm going to find her and kill her."

"What?"

"That's what you should say."

"Why?"

"Why don't you care?"

"You can do whatever you want," Barnes stated plainly.

"Do whatever I want," Tony huffed.

Barnes started to put his clothes back on.

"Do I mean anything to you?"

"Don't do this."

"So, you're just going to leave. You got your portion of fucking."

Barnes stopped.

"You know I'm not here to just have sex," Barnes answered quietly.

"How would I know? I don't know anything. Who's place is this? How do you get these rooms?" Tony pointed at the small apartment they were in, which would probably be empty this time tomorrow.

"Every piece of paper makes my heart jump. I stare at people too long because one of them might give me your message. I open my door at the slightest sound.

Why do you think I'm coming to these meaningless business trips? I hate flying, I hate new hotel rooms, I hate weird food. Why do you think I'm here? I'm here because my chance of meeting you might be better outside of the US," Tony shouted.

"If you're going to be like this, I'm leaving." 

Tony blocked the door and held Barnes's wrist with both hands, shaking, hard, not letting him go.

"I don't know what you're thinking. When I'll see you next. If I'll ever see you again. When we fuck, I always think this might be it. This might be the last time. Do you know how it feels to wait all the time?"

Barnes stood still with his head down. His hair fell down, hiding his face.

Tony got down on his knees in front of him to look at him, soothe him, whatever he could do, whatever Barnes needed.

"I love you, isn't that enough?" Tony whispered.

Tony reached up to touch Barnes's cheek and found it wet and trembling.

"Barnes, I'm sorry for yelling, I…"

"Don't," Barnes said, under his breath.

After what felt like forever, Barnes finally looked at him, tears falling down uncontrollably.

"That is what I felt," Barnes took a short, sharp breath, "All the time with you." Barnes's voice broke.

Barnes walked away, and Tony heard the bathroom door lock.

On his knees, Tony listened to Barnes, trying to stop crying.

That was it.

Everything suddenly became clear. Barnes was not the type to try to get revenge on Tony. That was what people like Tony did, but Barnes wouldn't.

The pain and yearning Tony was feeling, Barnes had worse.

Because Tony knew Barnes loves him now.

But Barnes didn't know back then, because Tony didn't love him then.

Tony heard the bathroom door open. A few footsteps later, Barnes stood in front of him.

Tony was blocking the door. He leaned his head in Barnes's stomach and felt a hesitant touch on his hair.

Barnes would never trust him.

Tony stepped aside.

\--

Two weeks later, Tony found a note, with time and an address.

\--

Tony thought about what he should do.

Go? Don't go?

Leave Barnes? Stay with him?

Let him go? Or force him to go?

But then, before their meeting day came, Tony got hurt.

Tony was shot three times, and he wasn't wearing a suit. He saw blood pouring out of him and was sure he was going to die, so he shouted at Rogers, "Don't tell Barnes!" before he passed out. 

As if Barnes wouldn't find out.

When Tony woke up, he felt a cold hand on his forehead and knew who it was.

"Get the fuck out," Tony groaned, with all the strength he had. 

Tony didn't want to corner Barnes to stay with him just because he was injured. He wanted Barnes to choose to be with him, not stay with him out of pity or obligation.

Tony knew if Barnes decided to stay with him, it wouldn't be his choice, and Tony didn't have the strength to push him out. Again.

When Tony got his voice back, he made Rogers put guards around his room and the hospital.

"You're safe," Rogers said.

"I'm not worried about me."

Rogers understood.

The guards couldn't stop Barnes coming in if he wanted to.

But it was a clear message.

I don't want you here.


End file.
